Chase Carter's Blog

DINK

2011-03-30T08:01:00.001-07:00

DINK

Duel income.

No kids

Yup, that’s us.

Which is why we are planning vacations. And I for one and super duper stoked about it.

FEELING MERRY

2009-12-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well, for the first time in a very very long time, I am feeling downright merry.

It's been over a year since i wrote, and i doubt my of my once faithful readers ever check back anymore. But damn it i'm happy. Happy enough even to write about it.

I have SO MUCH to be grateful for this year, it's pretty absurd.

Tate and I are so happy and healthy and feeling and looking great, it's so so nice. Tate got sober 7 months ago, and it totally changed our lives, everything is so much easier, and calmer, and happier. No more drunken melodramatic fights... bliss. It's been a lot of work, and emotional upheaval, but what a payoff.

And i worked more this year then i think i ever have, and there is money both in the checking and in the savings... what a gift. I bought a new car last week, and then, with virtually no effort, i sold my car. To the first guy who came to see it. He even paid me cash. Jesus! What an amazing thing.

The present- which i find myself intensely grounded in these days- is just that. A gift. I feel so lucky- to have my health, and to be happy, and to be loved and supported. My cup really is over brimming.

The wedding is next June, and its going to be amazing. We are going to have a wonderful party, and all the pieces are in place. Catering, DJ, Dress, flowers...blah blah blah blah!! And we broke down and decided to just invite a bunch of people, so while it's still small, everyone who needs to, will be there. That is a relief.

And the cats are good, and the apartment is JUST BEAUTIFUL. And we made Tate his own room, we call it the man cave, and i have my own office.

And things just couldn't be better.

So i don't need a pinch, because my eyes are open. And as i look around i see that my life is very very good, and i am very very grateful to be here.

xoxoxoxox

VIEW FROM THIS SIDE

2008-09-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Jesus it’s been seven months since I last wrote??

That’s fucking absurd.

My god, a lot has happened.

Tate and I renovated our apartment- it’s so beautiful, we really took it to the next level. Here are some before and after pictures.

Dad moved to Colorado for the summer. I managed to eek out about 3 1/2 weeks there- it’s such a magical place- and summer really is the best time ever there. I went to Mountain fair, and went swimming in the rivers and I hiked up to six mountain lakes- 4 of which I swam naked in… that really is the only way to hike I discovered. Here are some pictures from Colorado.

Doing some pretty intense therapy- which is good for me. It has helped me a lot- to deal with all these fucking emotions,

Mom will have been dead a year, in 3 weeks. This time last year was such a traumatic time. Watching her die was so brutal, and it’s just kinda nut s to have it all behind me and try to move on, and make her proud, and to still do what I want, and be happy. We kept a calendar on the wall during those 6 months. From her sickness to her death. It was purely out of necessity- to keep track of all the doctor appointments, and the visitors and all the madness. Now it reads like a reminder of the most awful six months of my life. It’s in a closet in my dad’s apartment next door. I happened to go in there yesterday and found my self gazing at it. A year ago today she had 5 appointments. FIVE. It was like having a child with a million summer classes- and we had to take her to all of them.

It was so overwhelming.

A year later and I am having a bridal shower in my beautiful kitchen and backyard that my mother’s death help renovate. I am using her china, and my grandmothers silver- I am using her vases, and her glasses, even her champagne cooler… The furniture and the linens are mine. Ha.

I think about her all the time and I hope she is watching from somewhere- feeling proud, or at least not totally disappointed.

I think she is.

Have a busy fall. Work coming up, then a trip to Mexico for Mimi’s 30th Birthday . Hopefully I will work for most of October so Tate and I can take a deeply overdue trip to Rome. Still yet another trip to Indiana and again to Colorado for the holidays… All this and I am unemployed right now. Good grief!

Things feel good to me right now. Or perhaps more accurately things don’t feel awful. And considering the year I’ve had, shit man I’m just taking it wherever I can get it.

WELCOME FROM HELEN HAYS REHAB HOSPITAL

2008-02-15T13:08:00.000-08:00

In what I am now referring to as an astonishing turn of events, I have found myself in yet another hospital. This marks the fifth one in six months. If I count it out, actually I have been to five hospitals for 8 different people in under 6 months. Holy shit. Getting old sucks.

This time is a doosey. I am here in New Jersey visiting my dear, closest cousin TJ. Last December, totally out of the blue, he got a backache, And two days later was sent to the hospital. The next morning they told us he would not make it thru the night. They didn’t’ know why, but his system was shutting down and he was dying.

As it would turn out TJ had contracted a staph infection, and, as luck would have it- it was MRSA, which stands for Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus. Methicillin is a family of antibiotics. So MRSA means that this particular strand of Staph is non responsive to antibiotics. Charming. His MRSA led to Pneumonia, which led to blood poisoning, which led to Bacterial Spinal Meningitis.

Which, basically means he was totally fucked.

He was put on life support and had machines breathing for him for 6 weeks. He was in a medically induced coma for 5 weeks. Slowly but surely he started to come back- both of his collapsed lungs regained their former glory, his once racing heart found it’s beat once more, and his blood found it’s balance. However, because of the meningitis his spine was damaged so badly, that he cannot walk or use the lower half of his body.

But, by some miracle he has full use of his upper body, he has no paralysis, his arms function normally and his there is no brain damage… it isn’t all “shitted up” (a particularly articulate way to explain brain damage that I heard last night from a fellow spinal cord patient- fantastic).

And so here I am. Flew in for a week to give my Aunt Lois a break. Imagine- she lost her sister and 2 months later, was told her son might die. Jesus.

But TJ is a fucking champ- no Joke. He now can stand, and walk on the parallel bars, and he is in good spirits and is super positive, and we’re making cripple jokes and we all know THAT HE IS GOING TO BE OK. The doctors expect him to recover fully. They are thinking that he will check out in a few weeks- he will have to use a walker for a little while but they do expect a full recovery.

Today he got approved to go in a car so tomorrow we are steeling him out of here to go home for the first time since before Christmas…

And even though this is awful. It’s amazing too. What is most surprising about this place is the sheer undeterred amount of hope that is simply palpable here. And we are dealing with some pretty hardcore shit here. Perched on a hill in West Haverstraw New York, overlooking the Hudson: people who were simply going along when in one split second everything is different. Mike had finally dumped his (and I quote) bitch of a girlfriend- finally bought that motorcycle he wanted. A 90 year old man pulled out in front of him 4 years ago and now he lives life from a wheelchair. Ron was an undercover cop who got rammed in a high speed pursuit, boom. Now in a wheel chair. Cathy was taking a walk with her two kids, she bent over to pick up a pinecone. Her 18 year old neighbor came screaming down the street and here she is, away from her family, all alone in the hospital with only the very littlest use of her limbs. Yesterday she cut a piece of melon with a knife and fork. It was a triumph for us all.

The brutal truth about life is staggering. The world is a harsh brutal place. Things happen that fucking suck. I MEAN SUCK. People get sick, people die, people survive… people shit their pants and have to learn to walk, or eat , or cut their food.

I could look for some reason for why I have had to bear witness to all of this lately- why I have had to push not one, but now two family members in a wheel chair in the last few months- but I don’t think that there’s a reason. And even if I knew that reason it wouldn’t change the fact that I keep having to wipe family members asses….

But hope is a hell of a thing.

And resilience is a motherfucker.

And I’m proud of TJ for surviving and not dying on us. And I’m grateful. And I’m proud to be here and help him and it’s good therapy for me to be in a rehab situation where TJ is going to learn to walk again, and NOT walk to his grave, like mom. He is gonna stand up and do a lot of things, and win more Grammies, and walk down an aisle, and walk on beaches, and foreign soils… and it’s a fucking miracle.

And so when I feel like life is all shitted up, I don’t really dwell, cuz it all feels pretty precious, and inspired, and powerful.

And then I slap myself and tell myself to snap the fuck out of it and not to be such a fucking sap.

HOLY SHIT

2007-11-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

Holy shit- that last entry kills me. “Someday I will look back on these days as a blissful steady stream of one good day after another.” Ya think???

I wrote that Mach 31st of this year. Amazing.

On March 12th my mom looked down at a magazine and heard a click click click in her neck.
On April 16th my mom was taken into the ER in Santa Monica because the pain in her neck had gotten so bad.
Later that week she was diagnosed with stage 4 advanced lung cancer. She had a tumor in her lung, on her neck, in her lymph nodes and one on her rib.
On may 29th we got the news that chemo was working- we were gonna be ok..
On July 5th our cat died.
On July 6th we moved.
On August first mom had a severe double stroke that rendered her near incapacitated.
And after two brutal months, on Oct 2nd mom died from complications of advanced lung cancer.

And so Chase, yes, you were right. You do look back on those days before the storm that has been 2007 as “a blissful steady stream of one good day after another.” And I miss that.

I ache for it.

Perhaps one day it will return, but for now it is gone and I am left struggling, muddling, just trying not to drown in sadness.

I was never particularly close emotionally with my mom, but we spent an awful lot of time together, and we have always been a super close family.

The last 6 months of her life however, I never left her side. I quit my job, moved in with her and my father twice- once for a month, another time for a few weeks. The rest of the time I was at her house by 7 am and didn’t leave till 10 or 11 pm. I drove her to the doctor, changed her IV, cooked and cleaned. Packed and organized. Paid the bills. And in the end I bathed her, brushed her teeth and shaved her head. I wiped her butt and got her dressed. Rubbed lotion on her depleted body and flossed her teeth.

It was at once beautiful and deeply deeply painful.

And her death brought me relief: that she was out of pain, and out of that miserable state of affairs her life had become. But now- with some time behind me- I miss that time. I miss it. Because even though she was a mere shadow of herself, at least she was still here.

And man oh man, I miss my mom.

It’s thanksgiving this week. And I can’t remember how to make the yams. I think I know- but I’m just not sure. I mean I made them with her so many times, but I never bothered to write it down. I just wasn’t ready.

It’s also my birthday this week. SO I’m getting a double dose of missing my mom this week.

And it’s brutal.

But you know? You just wake up, and breath in. And out. And you show up, and try to be present. And you do what you can. Try to pay attention and not be too flighty or spacey, I find baking helps.

But man I cry a lot. More than I ever had before- it’s just ridiculous. Without the slightest provocation. And that is exhausting… because I’m not a crier by nature.

But all these tears, they fall so hard and so often and so sincere.

But everyone says that time helps. And I guess it does. I am just doing what I can, and being honest about how I feel, trying to feel it now so it doesn’t come back to haunt me later (anymore than I’m sure it will always haunt me)

And just putting one foot in front of me and thinking that someday, that blissful steady stream of good days will return.

It’s just not today.

Finally some links:
The Team Carter Blog (where you can read about my mom’s illness if your so inclined)
Photos:
My mom’s Colorado memorial
My mom’s LA memorial
Zoe’s Wedding
Vicki’s wedding
My trip to Indiana
My trip to New Jersey

And this: is me and my mom

>

HELLO BRENDA

2007-03-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well it’s been ages since I’ve written. Been better at posting pictures than writing. But Brenda says I have to blog, so here I am. Hello brenda. How are you?

Everything is actually excellent in my little world. Work, time off, great weather, love my man, love my cats, love my apartment. Someday I will look back on these days as a blissful steady stream of one good day after another. And that is a pretty nice thing. Over the years I have often written about how lucky I am, and about luck in general, and now, after all this time I find myself going back to the same subject. Finding myself endlessly blessed, and unable to articulate my gratefulness.

I woke up last night in the middle of the night missing Rome so much I could hardly breath. It doesn’t happen all that often, but I feel like if I don’t go visit soon, even if it’s just for 5 days, it will slip out of my fingers, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t bear the thought of going there without Tate, but given our current situation I think I might just have to… one person alone seems somehow easier than two people going… we’ll just have to see I guess.

I have tons of pictures up

Carter turned 35

Tate and I went to NYC

My cousin Shannon got married

Megan had a birthday

We had a yard Sale

Sasha had a party

Pretty fun days recently.

And fucking babies everywhere. It is official, Mimi and Santi are having a boy. Brent and Ari are due in 3 weeks, Josh and his baby mama are right around the corner… lots of babies… thank god for birth control is all I have to say… no whammies for me!!

One last thing and then I’m off to shower- Tate bought me an 80 gig ipod for no good reason. “I deserved something nice” is what he said. Can you believe that???

I have the 15 gig (which is so old they don't even make anymore) so basically I put ALL my music on. ALL my pictures on. ALL my contacts, my calendar, everything. And I still have more room remaining that my entire previous ipod. It’s AWESOME.

Love my duty!

DOUBLE OHH SEVEN

2007-01-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

So I have started about 15 entries in the last few months- none of which I can seem to finish and post. So fuck it. Pictures- that’s what I got right now. Pictures.

Emily and Sabine.

Getting Drunk with Mimi and Santi before Christmas.

My godsons that are so cute I could die.

Damaris’s Birthday Jamboree.

Thanksgiving.

And my birthday – what up 31…nice.

Haven’t been working this week _thus the time to upload pics and such. It’s been awesome…. Tate and I so live together- the place really feels like its OURS. We spent the week tinkering around making meals and fixing little things up here and there- sold a bunch of shit on ebay and clearing out the garage (which is crammed with shit) and going to the dentist and that kinda stuff.

I could be the best professional unemployed person…. Damn it to hell that I can’t be. But it sure is nice this week!!!

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

2006-12-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

Literally.

I have been in Seattle for the past week, and am finally leaving to go home today. (phew- thank god). So excited to go home- for several reasons, excited to see my cats, excited to be in 60 degree weather, excited to see Vicki and Damaris, but more than anything- excited to get a goodnight sleep.

I have not slept well since I got to Seattle. And I’m not even joking. We stayed at the westin- which for all outward appearances should have been a nice experience- kinda fancy, right down town, good room service, pool, spa, whatever- I mean bill Clinton stayed there… but holy shit what a façade. First of all there are two tall towers that all the rooms are in, and they were built on ”rollers” (whatever that means) as a earthquake precaution. But what that means is that the towers sway, and they creak. And I’m not talking about a little sway or a little noise. I’m talking water swishing in the toilet bowl and loud creaks and moans and holy fucking shit.

The first night as Tate and I laid awake at midnight, a little scared, a lot concerned and totally pissed because we had to be on set in 4 hours.

We changed rooms.

That one talked too. I’m telling you the whole hotel had something to say- it was wild. After a week I got used to it. It isn’t so bad when it’s not windy, but , as you might have heard Seattle gets a lot of rain, and um wind… it’s unbearable.

But I couldn’t believe in a town who is famous for insomnia, one of the nicer hotels in town would, it seems go out of it’s way to make the stereotype true.

Good riddance.

GREETINGS FROM TACOMA

2006-12-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

So here I am in Tacoma Washington, sitting in my rented Tahoe in the middle of the night on an Army commercial. For those of you that are avid readers, you will remember that I ended my year last year by blowing up a set, and this year ends no differently. We’ve built a set in the middle of a field- a “bad guys base camp” and we’ve been blowing it up bit by bit…

Well sort of. Lots of army dudes, gas explosions, helicopters, machine guns shooting blanks… pretty cool shit actually.

The whole job is about a month long and myself, my father, my boyfriend and a host of other dummies are up here as well…

Tacoma leaves a lot to be desired, but Seattle is awesome- we move hotels up to Seattle next week which I am looking forward to- I’ve been in shit hole Tacoma for far too long.

Excited to go to Colorado for the holidaze- Tate is coming with, which is nice… we are about to have our one year anniversary- gulp. Speaking of anniversaries , I have officially been in the US for a year… in fact it was one year ago tonight my brother threw me my welcome home/ 30th birthday party…

I was in such a different place then- just back- deeply culture shocked- unsure of where I was going to live, or if would go strait back to work, or if I was even going to stay… a lot has happened- most notable of course is Tate, without whom I can no longer imagine my life. (sigh)

And so I don’t know. I don’t feel like blogging lately, and its not that life isn’t exciting or interesting… it’s just, happening, and I am enjoying it, and I don’t feel the need to share it as much as I did before. I feel very grateful, and blessed, and so in love… it’s just all so nice. I’m a happy girl, and it’s a welcome feeling.

And so, in conclusion I leave you with this: Dirka Dirka, Jihad Dirka.

AND JUST LIKE THAT, EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT

2006-10-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

So Tate and I have been talking about moving in together for a while…. But there were a lot of uncertainties… Do we get a new place together- does he move into my place? Will it ever feel like our place? Or will it always have the stench of “my” place? How do we make it “ours”… I mean my place for the money- you really can’t do much better- but my parents own the place, and that has it’s pluses and minuses… and so we deliberate.

Then we shifted the conversation to, well, if he did move in, how would we do the place, how would we do it differently to make it feel different… we came up with switching the office and the bedroom- make it feel new, different… and the bedroom is bigger and it kinda makes more sense for two people and two desks and all that…

So the other day we did a little online browsing, desks, dressers…. What would we need to buy to make the space work for two. We found a few things we liked, a couple of things we loved etc. SO. Yesterday when we went to the store to pay and order the above mentioned pieces of furniture. Figuring it would arrive in a few weeks and by then we would have Tate's apt packed up and we could move him in and build our new shit and all that…

So then perhaps you can understand how it caught me off guard when they had everything in stock. And before I knew it , there we were moving the bed, building the desks, moving bookshelves, doing the whole thing last night.

I mean, I knew he was moving in, and I knew things were gonna change, but I hadn’t really expected it all to happen in one day…

And to make things crazier, when we found out we could take all the shit home, we figured we would move it all around today, and spend the rest of the week, bringing Tate’s shit over and settling in, but yesterday afternoon I got a call to start a job today- so suddenly we had a shit load to do all before I came to work this morning….

But before I knew it, it was 11 pm, and there we were, with 2 new desks in the old bedroom, and our heads laying where the fax machine and printer had been just a few hours prior.

It was wild, but I guess that’s what you get when you have two art dept people move in together. Instant house… like it’s a set.

The truth is that the rooms look great, and I think I am going to like it a lot. It will undoubtedly take some getting used to…. Middle of the night trips to the bathroom, closet still in the office that kinda thing? Where do I put my dirty clothes now… etc. But it feels like a new apt. And that was the whole goal. Make it new, make it feel like Tate and I made it together…

As a side note- my cats were totally confused. It was bed time, mom was in her pajamas, but why did she keep going in the office? And why wasn’t the bed in the bedroom? What the fuck? It’s gonna take some getting used to for sure…

THREE CANKER SORES AND A FRACTURE THANK YOU VERY MUCH

2006-10-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the Santa Monica infirmary. Where I am hopped up on Vicodin and my cat Pete is loaded on Morphine. Fun times at 1450 Franklin.

I have had a ball buster of a sore throat for a week now- so bad that I went to the doctor twice. The first time I went they took a throat culture, as it turns out I don’t have strep. But a upon a second visit it was determined that I nave not one, not two but three enormous canker sores on my left tonsil.

Terrific. Those fuckers are huge and they fucking HURT. I mean big time. Haven’t had pain like this, since, well, ever. Shit is maddening. But the doc gave me Vicodin for the pain- so in between gargling with salt water, and NOT eating very much I am getting seriously high on the vics…..

It would seem perfect timing that the week I spend in bed all doped up my cat would go and fall out a window and fracture his leg. (His left leg I might add) I think the whole thing was an attempt to get special treatment and an excuse to get wasted and lay in bed with mom- but in all fairness the screen finally gave way and he fell out of the window about 6 feet onto the concrete and fractured his bone and has been limping severely ever since.

But that’s why they made cat morphine. And human vicodin.

Another dose Pete? Yes lets.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

2006-10-08T16:45:00.001-07:00

I could tell you all about brents wedding.

I could tell you about when Rachel got married.

I could tell you all about indiana.

Or I could just show you the pictures

FOOTBALL HAIKU

2006-10-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

Watch the pigskin fly
See the fat man run and catch
Cover the spread bitch.

WELCOME TO FORT WAYNE INDIANA, HAVE A COOKIE

2006-09-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

That’s what the man with the cookie basket says as he greets you as you deboard the plane. “Welcome to the Midwest, forget your diet- it’s time to fatten up.”

And it’s no joke. I single handedly undid 5 months of dieting in 11 days in Indiana. And I have only one thing to say:

YUM. No joke- Fort Wayne was delicious, everything soaked in butter and salt, served with macaroni salad and French fries, oh my god- BLISS. Cakes and pies and donuts and you just can’t believe the things they made. Tate’s mom is a FANTASTIC cook, far and away the best macaroni and cheese I have EVER had. I mean, it was serious, holy lasagna and burgers and chocolate cake… and I mean what was I gonna do? Say no to Tate’s Mom? Aheemmm no. I asked for seconds.

It was great.

We left Fort Wayne this morning- and as is the case with certain places in the world, I can tell it is going to take a few weeks to digest the experience. But there are a few things I found particular to Fort Wayne that I have never seen anywhere else in the world.

For one thing- everyone still smokes- with the exception of Tate's immediate family- every other person I met smoked, and as you can still smoke in restaurants and bars- they all smoke A LOT. Secondly, everyone, when saying good bye says “be careful” I’m not sure what there is going on in Indiana that everyone is so cautious about… but the result of this is two fold- on the one hand you feel a heightened sense of fear- as there is something evil out there that needs warning against, but on the other hand there is a tremendous sense of kindness that is extended to you because everyone is looking after you… it’s kind. And the third and particularly strange thing I discovered in Indiana is that when you go to a restaurant they ask you, before the meal, how you would like the bill. Chase and Tate together, And Dave and Lori together, and Cory came alone so separate him… and this happens everywhere. At EVERY MEAL. It’s not that it’s annoying or bothersome, at least not to the costumer- would seem it would bother the waiter if anyone… but this is just HOW IT IS. Totally normal. And to me, it’s one of the strangest customs I ‘ve ever seen.

In truth it makes it easier, and it is fairer and cleaner and no complex math to do, but it TOTALLY takes the romance out of trying to buy someone dinner. All that “no I insist” at the beginning of the meal just isn’t the same….

I don’t know what that says about those Hoosiers- are they cheap, are they stingy and don’t want to pay a part of a friends beer? Or is it simply an easier way to enjoy a meal? All I know is I get the serious stink eye anytime I ask for a check to be separated anywhere else I have ever been… strange little place Fort Wayne.

I actually liked it a lot, I loved meeting Tate’s family and seeing the world he grew up in. I learned so much about him in a short amount of time- it was like cramming for a test- except um, without the test. And everyone was so kind and sweet and very REAL. No pretentious Los Angeles crap that is so prevalent out west- just good old real kind people. But admittedly there is a lot if ignorance going on there, just silly bigotry or comments about “fags” or some shit- and these people don’t mean it, they just don’t know any better. And that makes it frustrating- because to offer another opinion to some people is seen as an offence, or an attack on their way of life, and that can be sort of saddening and terrible frustrating. I spent a lot of time with my mouth shut, and smiling politely. Tate is not so good at that- he lets people know what he thinks, and I’m sure if it was my home town I would too, but it always stirs up the shit, and when your probably never going t o agree, sometimes its better just to stay quiet and just enjoy dinner. (ahha chase- for those of you that are longtime blog readers perhaps you will remember a religious argument that happened on these pages about a year ago where I was singing a slightly different song- my, how your tune has changed Chase…. Tisk tisk tisk)

Either way I had a wonderful time and was so grateful to be taken into Dave and Lori’s home and to be included in all of Tate’s family meals and outings… it’s was pretty great.

And my favorite part was Tate. Because he was pretty cute.

SHOPPING

2006-08-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

I love shopping. Damaris, my newly appointed “stylist” took me shopping a few weeks ago and we bought me some much needed new clothes, and it was AWESOME. Then this week we took my cutie pants boyfriend and bought him (and I’m not kidding here) and entire new wardrobe. A suit, shirts, ties, jeans, button ups, fucking- a, even pajamas.

And I gotta say, my man looks good.

I love shopping with Damaris. In fact I love doing just about anything with that girl. Shopping ,movies, working, driving a car, watching TV. She’s just a good girl. The best part about shopping with D is she has good taste, and she knows what is allowed.

That’s the thing about shopping and clothes that I always hated- it’s that it seems like there are all these rules to clothing.

“Oh god you can’t wear that with that…”
“good lord look at her!”

…and I just, don’t know them. Lord knows my mother tried…but she will be the first to tell you I never got it. Dead of winter in Colorado and I am heading out the door in shorts. (now that sounds like common sense) but seriously. I just never got it. Combine that with the fact that I am not your average boutique size, and I just kinda give up.

T-shirts and jeans- that’s where I’ve lived. For years. I look like my father. (god my poor mother). I mean, m mom went to fashion school for god sakes!

Anyway. It wall started with the jeans. Girls jeans don’t fit- well, not if your like me and have a bit of the “junk in the trunk” as it were- so I go to men’s stores. Levi’s, wranglers… whatever. For years damaris has been saying “those jeans don’t fit- you look like you have a terd in your pants”. And I would say- “I can’t wear girls jeans,” and she would sigh and quietly roll her eyes.

And then the other day I called her and said. “ok D. Lets go buys some jeans” The next thing I know I’m at the register with my credit card in hand, at barneys, saying “shit I’m unemployed, but spending this much money in an afternoon is FUN! And it was.

But I will say this, my junk in the trunk is looking a lot more like budunk-budunk.

THE BOWL AND THE BUS

2006-08-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

In what has become a three years in the making tradition- last weekend Nikky and friends celebrated her birthday by renting a double decker bus and driving a bunch of friends- several cases of champagne and a ton of food thru Hollywood to the Hollywood bowl.

It’s always so much fun and so ridiculous- and indeed it was again this year. Had some new kids which is always fun for someone to drive up la brea, or down Hollywood with a full bottle of champagne in your hand howling at pedestrians for the first time. (and it never seems to get old for some of us – ah carter???)

The show was the reggae nation or something- and it was really fun. I’ve never seen so many wasted people at the bowl, and it has certainly never been so lax about smoking cigarettes and pot in your seat. Love those hippies man.

Anyway, an excellent night. And, not a ton, but a smattering of pictures here.

BIRDS POSSUMS AND CATS OH MY

2006-08-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Flap flap.

Thud thud.

That was the sound I awoke to at 5am on sunday morning as Pete the cat had a bird half dead and flapping around on the floor IN MY BEDROOM.

I am not good with birds, especially half dying stunned little grey ones on my floor. There was Pete, just happy as could be- “look mom I brought you a present!” Little fucker. The bird was so not dead yet, but quickly on his way…

‘Tate…. Uhhhh, mmmm, aaahhhh, eeee honey wake up, get the bird, get the bird out… help honey”

Now imagine this spoken by barry white: (becasue for some unknow reason that's how Tate sounds when he is still half asleep)

“Go back to sleep baby, don’t worry about it, Good boy petey, get him...”

That was his answer. Fucker. Meanwhile the bird is like, seizing about a foot away from my head. Finally Sally and I had had enough. So we shut the bed room door with Pete Tate and the bird inside, and she and I slept our morning out on the couch. And when I returned to the scene of the crime a few hours later there were feathers everywhere, a small bloody carcass at the foot of the bed and two soundly sleeping jackasses.

***

That same evening I watched Joey, my parents Jack Russell attack and kill a possum in their backyard. Didn’t really take long, that little dog kicked some serious possum ass. He didn’t stand a chance. Couldn’t tell if he killed him or if was he just playing possum, either way he wound up shoveled into a neighbors yard thru the alley.

It was a gruesome day for the “domestic” animals over here in Santa Monica.

Yuck.

It was the kind of day that makes your ankles feel vulnerable. I hate that.

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START

2006-08-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

Seems like I write less and less these days and I am forced to summarize more and more, and as a result my blogs are well, less than their former glory.

What can I say- some people blog every day… I don’t.

They win.

The last month and 1/2 have been good- sometimes very intense, and at times hectic, but mostly good.

Did a commercial and a music video back to back which was a bit much… two big jobs really take it’s toll on the sleep factor. Another bad side effect of too much work is that I unfortunately had a falling out with a long time employee where by he told me to go fuck himself and I basically haven’t hired him since. It was pretty heartbreaking, because he was a loyal employee, and a good friend, and I feel his absence on my jobs since…

BUT.

I had a FUCKING AWESOME fourth of July. I have uploaded some pictures here. It was just really really fun. It started watching Italy win the semi finals of the world cup, then we had a bbq at Emily Fosters house (god damn is her baby cute… seriously) and then we went to the Dodger game where not only did we sit in the FRONT ROW ON THE FIELD, but my friend brad got HIT WITH A FLY BALL in the chest (hilarious) and THEN after the game they let us rush the field and we sat on the grass and watched an EPIC fireworks show. God damn SO MUCH FUN. I’m a big fan of music during fireworks… and they played all the Americana great ones- Neil Diamonds comin to America, fucking john cougar…. It was pretty awesome. Very America, very 4th.

After finishing a horrific music video (I’ll never do another one ever again, but then, I say that after EVERY video I do)… I actually had a few days off. And that was marvelous. I actually got some time to work on my backyard, planted some roses, built a cat door for my cats (totally changed their life and mine by the way) I can’t really take credit for the cat door though- Tate really did that big boy)…then we refinished my teak table and chairs, and after a few days my backyard was actually wonderful again…

Then I went to Block Island for Justin Dragonas’s wedding. It was a lot of fun and there are a shit load of pictures.

Came home to work (which is always nice). Doing a Remington shaver commercial with Cindy Crawford. And I have to say, often models are not nearly as hot as they should be,. I suppose that why she is a “super” model. She really is stunning, and it really is pretty amazing to see a woman who is THAT beautiful in the flesh…

Coming up, I have 3 weeks of traveling in September… Tate is taking me home to Indiana the first week of sept, (gulp) then we go to Wash DC for my dad’s art opening, then we go to Martha’s vineyard for a wedding, and finally we get to relax for a week or two in cape cod… so as of now I am just working working working to afford my little September travels….

In terms of personal stuff I am kinda terrific. I am so head over heals for Tate- it’s totally absurd. We are very much in the thick of it, and that’s totally fun and new and wild and just fucking great.

I do miss Rome all the time, and can’t believe sometimes I don’t live there, and now that its been like, Jesus, 9 months (!) since I was there, my time there is coming into focus in terms of what it meant in the scope of my life… pretty wild.

SO that’s kind of it. Been thinking of all sorts of odds and ends to blog, and I never do… kind of a jackass that way.

Anyway- hope everyone is well.

Xo-me

BACK IN THE SADDLE BITCH

2006-06-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

Well wouldn’t you know it the second Tate and I got all settled in in Oregon ready for more fishing and fun- the phone rang and within 16 hours Tate and I were back in the car headed down to LA to go back to work. Damnit. I wasn’t gonna take the job- but Phil and Tate talked me into it and since they will get days on it too- I listened and this morning started another job.

Good lord.

It was a super fucking bummer to have to leave- but the drive was quick enough (yea right 12 fucking hours) but we made it and here we are.

And that’s kinda it- working my little sunshine ass off, and looking just fine while I do it.

What!

GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

2006-06-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings from central Oregon. Tate and I are having yet anther little adventure together. This time we decided last minute to jump in the car and drive up north to go see Phil. I’ve been working with Phil for going on 7 years now- and for the last 5 since he moved here it’s been “you gotta come up, this place is the best ever…” ect ect.

But I have to hand it to Tate for making it happen. We decided on Friday afternoon and we were gone Saturday morning.

We spent the night in San Fransico on saturday- which is always so awesome- Tate had never been there so we drove down Lombard st and sat in golden gate park, had a beer on the haight and then stumbled onto the Italian North beach festival- during the Italy US world cup game- which was awesome. We ate Italian food and watched the game, smoked a joint and laughed at the world going by. We hooked up with my old friend Max and his friends and went out in the Castro… and at 7am the next morning we departed the city via the golden gate bridge…

It was awesome.

We got to Bend Oregon on Sunday afternoon and since then have been given the total royal treatment… we went hiking yesterday and rafting today and tomorrow we are taking Phil’s boat out in the morning and then another hike, and on Thursday we’re going g fishing….

Man Oregon is fucking awesome. So beautiful and clean and amazing. Bend is a cross between small town Colorado and small town new England. It’s totally wild- it’s kind of red neck and mountains like Colorado- but then there is a very manicured elegance like in Martha’s Vineyard or upstate Connecticut,… it’s really fucking cool.

Right now I am at Kinko’s downloading shit for work (What the !!!) as Phil doesn’t have internet at his house. But that’s just about the only thing he doesn’t have. I mean it- 5 acres!!! He has a pond and a fire pit and a hammock and a HUGE backyard, a Jacuzzi, a paddle tennis court, a barn and a boat- he has a horse 2 goats, 3 cats and 2 dogs… its so so amazing.

So anyway- my shit is done downloading- so I am off.

Be good, go Miami and don’t forget to keep your head in the game…

HOLY MOTHER OF….

2006-06-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hello and greetings at 9:30pm doing nothing at work except waiting for my favorite 4 letter word to come: wrap.

Finishing up a mother of a job. Spent 5 days in the hideous desert- hotter than 2 rats fuckin in a wool sock out there- fucking hell man. 2 days in Palm Springs hell, and then 2 more in 29 palms on a god forsaken salt flat.

The sun was hotter than shit out there- let me tell you.

But the real highlight was when a 20 foot speed rail pole came sweeping down out of the sky and slammed my dear old boyfriend Tate square across the head and sent him to hospital where he was the lucky recipient of two, count em two staples in the noggin.

But the upshot of him splitting his head open, getting knocked out and becoming fairly severely concussed- was that he and I got to spend the rest of the afternoon in the sweet loving air conditioning of the emergency room.

And while I ‘m on the subject- let me tell you about the ER in a hi-desert community. Jesus fuck those animals are all meth addicts. Even the doctors and nurses…. No joke- these sand mongers are fucking crazy- and not just because they don’t know any better- but because the heat has melted their brains- mush, mashed brain. Terrifying.

And damned entertaining….

The woman in the bed next to us was so blisteringly wasted- she kept pulling out her IV and dripping blood on the floor so she could leave to go smoke a cigarette- finally they had to bring in the police to strap her to the bed- brutal. Then there was the kid who was so strung out on meth he collapsed at the front door of the ER- and how could I ever forget the teenager who was brought in by his mother for what she called a severely ingrown toenail.

I guess my question is this: how ingrown does a toenail have to get to warrant a trip to the ER. Apparently in the desert it’s all par for the course.

Alas- Tate is fine. He received two staples, a bottle of vicodin and got the rest of the day off. He has, admittedly been a little rough around the edges since the “pounding” as I’ve taken to calling it- he does things like try to roll down car windows that are already down… he gets dizzy and lightheaded… his first cat scan was fine- and we are going to get another next week- but man- the first two days after said pounding he was the definition of concussed. I guess I know that he’ll be fine- which is why I can laugh.

Cuz it’s funny. But not like ha ha.

LIFE HAS A WAY

2006-05-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

Of just moving right along doesn’t it?

I mean, one day I was living in Italy doing things the Italian way, writing a blog all the time, and the next thing I know, I look up and realize I’ve been back in la for almost 6 months to the day (WHOA….) and I never take the time to write anymore- and I think what the hell has happened?

And the truth is – a fucking TON. Truly a ton.

First and foremost I fell in love, and that changed everything. I now am thinking for two-and it’s so nice. And he’s so the greatest guy- and it’s so real and wonderful and intense, I mean, I have a serious boyfriend, and I see my friends less, and when I’m not working I’m with him, and it’s WILD.

IT’S SO DIFFERENT NOW. LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT.

And at the same time- it’s exactly the same. It’s fucking weird.

In a nut shell, the last, Jesus it’s been a month and a half since I wrote- I worked like a maniac this spring- really brutal back to back jobs- paid down a lot of debt (not all the way- which is the American way).. watched a lot of basket ball- my team the clippers made it to game 7 of the semi finals (which for the Europeans online- that is the equivalent of someone like Leeds almost winning the premiership) – it was fucking intense…. I went to Colorado for two weeks with Tate.

Saw the babies, painted my parents new house, as a sort of thank you for letting me bunk up at their place for 4 months… we hiked, and played, and napped, and got massages, and drank in the afternoon, it was so so nice- and I had forgotten the importance of taking someone you love home. Sure Tate had met my family- but home is Colorado and it was so wonderful for him to see that.

Then we packed up and came back to LA for one day and the two of went to Hawaii for a week. Tough life, I know. I got these insano cheap tickets online and we were supposed to only go for a weekend, but we got there (Waikiki for those who care) and 4 days was NOT going to be enough- so we extended our trip. It was the BEST. Since were back everyone has been asking what we did: “did you go surfing, hiking, waterskiing, para gliding, base jumping?” And the answer is , “uh no.”

We did nothing, not a god damned thing, and fucking hell if it didn’t take all day to get it done. I mean, we just got our little chairs and umbrella and sat our ass on the beach and that was fucking it. And we played in the water, and cuddled and ran around and drank in the afternoon (and morning) and slept in late, and just RELAXED. Total vacation- total bliss.

It was AMAZING.

And now I am back ,and started work already- some, what am I dong? Oh right Cover girl. Cover girl: shoot in palm springs for 5 days- I went to scout yesterday –it was 105 Fahrenheit. Holy shit. That’s fucking hot.

But you know, back in the house, the clippers lost, the cats are good, I’m back at work, gearing up for a summer of weddings in the east coast, ( I have SEVEN wedding s this year- holy hell fire- ranging from Mexico, cape cod, Martha’s vineyard, Dallas Texas, Block island, Florida and one in LA- so much for vacation this year- all my money is going to a free meal on the other side of the country… shit)

And so it’s nuts- sure a lot has happened- but it blows my mind that it’s been SIX MONTHS since I left Rome. And I can’t believe that I am not going back tomorrow- and I can’t believe that I haven’t been back yet- I miss it- and I don’t.

I mean, I miss my friends, and I miss the life style, and I miss being an ex-pat, and being away from the states- but there are things here that I can’t get there- like Tate for one, and my family, and I don’t know- TV and sushi, and Mexican food and yard sales with friends, and my god sons, and all of that shit- you know, my LIFE.

And that’s been a strange realization- that my life is here- and home base is here- but that the deal is, I work and then TRAVEL. Cuz that’s what makes me happy- and I CAN. It’s not that hard, and I’m into it

So, that’s it. Hey pics uploaded- Hawaii, and Colorado. Fun times.

SO THEN….

2006-04-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I have written, and for that I apologize- but after I try and surmise all that has occurred in the last few weeks you might begin to understand why I haven’t had a while lot of extra time to write…

Firstly, I moved back into my old apartment. This happened for a couple of reasons. The renters that were living here decided to move out, and suddenly my apartment was available. I had been considering a move- or at least renting an apartment in LA. Work has been going so well, and I actually am enjoying being here- combine that with a new man in my life- I wanted to have a place where we could go that wasn’t his place and that want’ my parents house- if you catch my drift. So I decided what the fuck- it was about the easiest move I have ever done- all my shit was either in the apartment already or in the garage outside. I didn’t even have to get a truck. It was pretty sweet. So I got the place fumigated and cleaned and within a few hours I was in.

Talk about instant life- I feel like Guy (for those of you familiar with the reference…) Nothing like a car, a man and a home to make you feel all settled in. The cats were more than a little shocked, and I think twice as happy to come home. It really made me think about the last 18 months of my life, and all the travels the cats and I have done, coming home. Little things like plugging my phone charger in next to my bed for what could be that last time in a while gave me the most amazing feeling- I have been on the road for so long- what a marvelous feeling to come home- combine that with the absurdness of moving BACK into an old apartment- unpacking is such a no brainier- shit, I already know where everything goes… strange. I did re-arrange slightly- gives the house a new vibe- I like it a lot.

Then there has been work. Just back to back to back to back jobs. Seriously going for it. Got a new art director and she and I are working really well together- like two little peas in a pod. It’s nice. I have barely had time to scratch my you know what- I’ve been working just like a manic. It’s good.

Then my brother had a birthday- which meant we had to throw a big ol party. I footed much of the bill, and so the while “getting out of debt” suffered a minor setback because of it, I say fuck it, it was seriously worth it. Highlights include a chewbaca shaped piñata, me in gorilla suit knocking over the tip jar on the bar, and ruining a few books- and me spilling three fresh drinks in a row on the floor because of a dare- it seems the night was an utter success.

I do get weekends off these days- and that has been pretty blissful. Been spending a lot of, ok all of my free time with Tate who is so fucking marvelous- I almost don’t even know where to begin- I have taken him to a few parties and such, and he’s always such a champ- he’s a total hit with the friends, which always makes me feel good, when people like my man… so that’s awesome. And I really like him too. Carter and Nikky have seen him the most probably, as we have a permanent standing Sunday brunch date these days, and the 4 of us are really having a nice little time… I swear he and carter are so alike- it’s a little disturbing…

What else- I made a reservation to go to Hawaii in May. Decided I was going to freak out if I didn’t have a trip on the horizon- so the aforementioned “getting out of debt” has suffered yet another minor set back- but I REALLY don’t care about this one- 4 days in Hawaii with Tate is so worth any money I can throw at it- it’s gonna be great. Found this absurdly good deal online- so I was like BOOK NOW THANK YOU VERY MUCH…

Ahhh.

What else. Damaris moved, which is so weird that she and I always seem to move apartments at the same time…

Oh, I worked with David Lachapelle last week, which was very cool. I like his work A LOT and have always admired him, so that was pretty cool to see an idol at work…

Doing a McDonalds commercial this week (woo-hoo) and then I will do Ford and then another Target spot after that…

I guess I am surprised how comfortable I am back into LA. I swear I just really didn’t think I would be staying when I came back- I really thought I was going to sweep in and get out. But I didn’t account for Tate, and now because of him, I want to stay. And it seems like I am going to. I mean, getting the apartment back and all. But I had to keep reminding myself that moving back in wasn’t a life sentence- it’s just an apartment, and if anything, this place is month to month, and better than almost any OTHER apartment this one is the easiest to be temporary in… but I don’t feel temporary. I feel quite settled, and after my uber transient year, it’s come as a welcome and comforting surprise.

So shit is good, I am happy and well and good. And that is pretty great. Will post some pics soon. And when I do, you all will be the first to know.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the emails asking for me to post- it’s always nice to know you are all listening. Till next time, fear not, for I will remain

Chase

HAPPY DAYS

2006-03-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

So I am here in LA, working my little rump right off, working for the swill merchants of the American machine…

And I have to say I am pretty fucking happy. I love my little car, I have paid off almost my entire debt, I totally have a boyfriend (weird), and I like him so much, and in general I am just really really happy and doing awesome.

I had the entire week off (!!) and it was just so nice to finally have a little time to get my car cleaned, and do some shopping and I did my taxes, and my shit is just super on point…

And it feels good.

I just love being happy. I think I used to take happy for granted, and now I know how hard I have worked to be here, now, and happy.

And I totally totally am.

I’ve said it before, and I hope to say it again.... But,

happy days.

VERY DRUNK

2006-03-05T04:50:00.000-08:00

At the airport. Its probably a federal offence, I am probably breaking the security act, or the patriot act, or the decency act, or whatever- but mama is SHITFACED at the airport. 7:37am. My flight leaves in 2 hours and I am HAMMERED. Sitting with my very sober dad at the fort Lauderdale airport, drunk as a skunk… 3 sheets to the wedding, hanging on my a shred, fucking wasted, blotto, still drunk from last night. Just. Drunk.

The last thing I remember was switching to tequila with my uncle,. HE HAD NEVER HAD PATRON. That needed to be remedied. I found my phone on the front lawn, or, I should say, my father found my phone on the front lawn by the rental car. I don’t remember a fucking thing. But in the words of my father I was a “total asshole”.

I’ve been drunk a million times, and I’ve made a jackass of myself at least that many times, but somehow being that sloppy in front of my 20 years sober father makes it all more vivid…

I think it was a fun wedding. I think. I actually remember very little. Dad says I was trying to light a cigarette in the car on the way home, and telling him to fuck off.. and god knows what else.

Dads been sober for almost 20 years, and he hates that I drink. Can you blame him? I’m a fucking sloppy drunk bastard (and especially so this morning)… all I want to do is get on the plane and pass out. Oh my god. Drunk.

Have to eat a bagel. Or two. Or twelve. And maybe a bloody mary. Or twelve. Ha.

God I smell good. MMMMMMMM.

I look good

IT’S ALL HAPPENING

2006-02-23T19:59:00.000-08:00

So I am at work. Unnecessarily so. I could leave. I don’t have anything left to do. But I am trying to impress this new fancy pants production designer I am working with, and to show her my tough as nails work my ass off attitude, so I am staying late and putting on a show….

When in fact I am emailing and writing my blog over a sausage sandwich.

I haven’t had to prove myself at work in a long long time. Seems like I’ve been doing this shit for so long, and it always came so easy to me I never had to push- I was just naturally good.

And it’s not that I’m not good now- I just have to pretend to be better right now… (God, does that even make sense?)

There’s just some extenuating pressure on this job, and I have to say I totally dig it…. I like it when it’s hard.

And it’s working. She just told me she wants me on every job with her. Which would be pretty fucking cool, because she’s probably the most talented high profile designer I’ve ever worked with, and she works all the time, all over the world…

But whatever. Cuz right now it’s 7:46pm and I haven’t done shit for like 3 hours… I’m just chilling, getting dinner and keeping her company. But sometimes, that’s the job description.

In other news. I guess I have a boyfriend. I don’t know quite how it happened, but I am seeing a guy and it’s getting kinda serious and I like him a lot. It’s weird.

Strange how it all happens when you least expect it to. I swore I was coming to LA for 3 months- make cash in and out. And well, I kinda wanna stay right now. I am really enjoying my life right now. I feel happy and healthy and it just all feels good.

And once again, I find myself Happy. Right where I am. What a gift.

Oh and PS- my friend called me to say that he bought his black razor phone because they played “back in black” on the commercial… guess I’m not alone after all. Fucking advertising. Anyone who makes commercials should die. I mean, uh… ahem...woops.

TARGET AUDIENCE (aka love letter to the 80’s)

2006-02-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I got taken. Total snap drag take out by the man- suckered by advertising- targeted, zoomed into and fuckin sold. It’s the heartbeat of America, it’s our raison de etra… it is the great American machine. I knew it was happening, I felt it go down, and I did nothing to stop it. Because that’s how capitalism works. God bless it.

And some days I just love it.

Last week my cell phone broke- well, it wasn’t completely dead, in truth I probably could have gotten another several months out of it. But the fucking things sucked. It hung up every time I flipped it open… it was a piece of shit. Slow, old, total piece. (albeit at one time a very expensive piece of shit) but it was dying something vicious and it was not going to be long before it was completely caput, So I decided to head that fucker off at the pass and get a new one.

So I went to the Cingular store- figured I’d just buy the new razor in like, black or silver or whatever cuz it was closest to my old phone (you know, the piece of shit), and it was actually only $100 which seemed reasonable enough. (my last phone cost me almost $400… so $100 seemed like the deal of the century)… Plus, I knew a few people who had the razor, and they liked it enough.. so ok I figured I’d buy it. But then at the last minute I decided not to buy the phone that day- I don’t know why, the person I was with got antsy and I decided I didn’t care enough to stick around and buy the fucker.

Honestly I was thinking do I REALLY need it? The phone isn’t dead YET, and after a year in Italy, the idea of rushing out to buy a little shiny object simply because I could, seemed… well, unnecessary. Like do I REALLY NEED a new one. Not totally, not yet, not 100%.

I’ve been very aware of that recently- all the marketing and advertising that has been pushed my way. I don’t think I ever really noticed it before- having grown up with it- but to have a brief respite from it- I realized how much of a relief it is to NOT have all that advertising shoved down your throat… and what a difference it really makes. Can you imagine?- I didn’t WANT anything. Not for an entire year- new camera? no, this one works. New blackberry? Please. New I pod, why? New digital whatever, new nothing… no. No new phone- NOTHING NEW. No clothes, NO NOTHING NEW- in a year I bought myself a ring (which actually my mom bought for me) and a pair of earrings. And that’s it. Seriously, food, beer and 3 pieces of jewelry. I didn’t even do Christmas. No shopping, no consumerism. I actually felt really good about NOT having all the trimmings. Such a relief.

Because before I left I was- fuckin, knee deep. Two phone lines, cell phone, fax, TV, cable, tivo, fancy car, all the insurances, video camera, computer, digital camera, extra batteries, extra cables, a charger in the car, in the bed room, in the office and one in the kit… I mean shit, you name it I had it… serious… all the STUFF.

And when I got rid of it all: pheeeew what a relief. I can’t tell you. And so much extra space in my life.

So then I go and lolly about in Italy for a year- no advertising, no marketing, no desire.

I’ve only been home two months. What can I say? My defenses are down. My stamina is low… my immunity to “the sell” is weak.

After I didn’t buy the phone that day (which I was secretly proud of) I was watching TV when a cingular commercial came on- for the razor phone- IN PINK. Which is pretty fucking awesome. But THEN they had the psychedelic fur’s “Pretty in pink” as the god damned soundtrack…

DUDE.

How can I fight that? Seriously… dude- I have no resistance to pretty in pink- I go right back to my love for Johnny Hughes, my endless infatuation with the 80’s… I think of Molly and Judd, Little Anthony Mikey Hall, Emilio, Abe Froman even James Spader… fuck me…I’m 16 in my trans am, a black one- not the guy the car- a black car, a pink guy, I’m twisting into a sea of 80 music and leg warmers, Ferris is there and life is moving pretty fast but I’m stopping to look around so as not to miss it, adults are the enemy and when you grow up your heart dies, I’m in a rolls, I’ve heard the fender on this is 5 grand- do have 5 grand? I don’t have 5 grand, but THIS is getting good- oh man, put the diamond earring in my year, cross the football field because no one was buying this together woman of the 80’s thing anyway…. And let’s plow because I’m the duckman and I live to like you and Jakes my boy, and the girl in the hat is so vogue and for a moment I’m farmer Ted, I’m not really a farmer though, and long duck dong is there and it’s sofa city sweetheart, and I can remember lots of things… because life is not what not and secondly it’s none of your business… and I got Caroline in the bedroom right now passed out cold I could violate her 10 different ways if I wanted to.. but it’s time to whip it and I’m having a total eclipse of the heart. In the 80’s it was really human for you to listen to all of my shit, even if we did have bra’s on our heads, on the highway to the danger zone, and screws fall out all the time in the 80’s, because the world is an imperfect place, but I’m a fucking genius because I can’t make a lamp, but moe-lay really pumps my nads and the question isn’t what are we gonna do today, it’s what aren’t we going to do, but it’s all voodoo economics, and it’s no problem what so ever because my best friends sister’s boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

And it WAS pretty serious.

Seriously.

And this is the thing about advertising.

They flash that pink phone and play that song, and me, their IDEAL target audience sees it. And that last paragraph storms thru my mind in an instant. And they win.

Game over. I loose they win. I HAVE TO HAVE THE LITTLE PINK PHONE. I have to.

And so I do. I go down to the store and buy it, and because its pink (and pretty) it’s $150. But I pay, I pay for Ferris and Molly and all of it.

And then I have it and every time it rings (and it rings a lot…) I have a little bit of that with me.

And that’s a lot. Plus every time someone sees it they say “ohhhhh you got the pink one, awesome….”

AND I LOVE IT. LOVE IT. I’m using the word love. I love my phone. IT’S AWESOME.

Sick. Demented. Delicious.

Caroline laughs and it’s raining all day and she loves to one of the girls…She’s pretty in pink. Isn’t she?

SCREWED BY A STRANGER

2006-02-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

So, as you know I am sort of all over the place right now… wandering jew kinda thing (except with a place to sleep and not a jew). So when my friend gave me the number of a psychic who “was amazing” and had “blown her mind”I thought I’d give her a call and see if she could pull some mystic info down from the ether and perhaps offer some direction to me and my wandering ness.

Now I am kinda of a believer in psychic energy… I worked on a documentary on psychics a few years ago and it really kinda gave me new information about them. And I have remained curious about them ever since. I’m not a card carrying believer or anything.. but I think that anything is possible… and I have certainly experienced sensations like a deja-vu and coincidence- and it seems awfully closed minded to say that other people might not feel those feelings more strongly and be better honed at controlling them. For me that possibility exists, and therefore I am willing to indulge from time to time. For fun, for fascination, and to keep the hope alive that there is something great and cool and mysterious lingering just above all of our heads.

So I made the call, got an apt. Looked vaguely forward to it… blah blah. Was even prepared to drop the cash for it… and it wasn’t gonna be cheap.

But fuck it right? So I called this week to leave a message – hey I have an apt- where are you located, I don’t know where to go kinda thing. Then I called again morning of… uh- do we have an apt?

No answer, no call back.

Dude, no dice.

Totally stood up by a psychic. What a bitch. (and a wee bit unprofessional if you ask me). But seriously. What the fuck? Total spiritual fuck over. Screwed by a soothsayer. Bitch. So much for reading into shit now.

One can only hope she’s just unprofessional, and hasn’t been abducted by the Libyan army for testing or something…..

But I say fuck her either way.

Because I did ok- I managed. I was on the east side when I realized she wasn’t going to call back in time for my appointment. So I went to a park, sat in the sun, took a walk around the lake. Let the sky cross my mind. Then stood up and spent the rest of the day with the boy I like. Didn’t suck.

HOME ON THE RANGE

2006-02-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

So living with the parents is starting to suck.

It’s nothing they have done- all they do is want to hang out and keep a stocked fridge, do my laundry and have a cleaning lady…. I don’t pay rent, I don’t pay bills I don’t even feed my cats.

It’s hell. Seriously.

I mean- how can I complain? On one hand I got it made- But dude. I got to get out of here- pronto.

I just need privacy. 30 and living with my parents. I love to save the money- but this is totally brutal. This weekend all I wanted to do was sit in MY SPACE and be ALONE and have a little privacy.

I guess the other thing is that since I have been here there has been someone else in the other guest room which means I am sharing a bathroom, and… well, after a year of being 6000 miles away from my closest friend- eating meals alone, sleeping alone- not speaking very good Italian or whatever… I just go so used to BEING ALONE.

And I fucking miss it. I do. I really just miss the quiet of my own thoughts while I chew, or sleep, or stare, or draw or read of WHATEVER.

I can’t get that here- and I knew I wouldn’t, and I knew coming into this that it would be like this- but, I’m afraid that doesn’t make it any easier.

And I don’t know what to do. Do I sublet an apartment- do I move back into my old one? Do I just stick it out? Can I even make it another month? I mean I want to save money but not this bad… am I even still going to Colorado? Should I just make money and move back to Europe? Don’t know what to do-

Really really confused man.

I guess that’s ok. Just feels weird. I’m not used to feeling this way, and I’m not a particular fan of being in unfamiliar territory.

But I’m not complaining. (or am I?) Just venting- on the little corner of the world that I have made for myself to do that.

HOLY MUTHER FUCKING SHIT

2006-01-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the vortex. I am working as hard as I work these days. Commercials lined up back to back to back. Looks as though my trip to Italy in early feb will postponed- hopefully I can go end of feb… I really want to go and have a visit- but fuck man the work is coming on strong and I say keep it comin- mommy has bills to pay. So I figure make the hay while the sun shines and take a trip when the opportunity presents itself..

Haven’t had much time for a personal life- just work round the clock. The fucking Bronco’s lost (American football for my EU readers). Whatever… seen the boy a few times… I feel pretty whatever on that front as well.

Fuck it- I came to this town to make money- and well, I am. So happy days right.? But Jesus- I have been going from 6am to 11pm… it’s intense. Just when I get done with commercial work- I get an email with scripts to read… fuckin-a. So I work all day long these days. But it’s all good.

Actually I’m not complaining- it’s good times.

One totally awesome moment was last week I was working on a stage in Manhattan Beach and I got to go on the set of the “OC”. Which is pretty much my favorite show of all time… or at least my favorite guilty pleasure… man I was so fucking excited- full on kid in a candy store… It was almost embarrassing how excited I was- but my producer was equally excited- so it made for shared guilt… there are some pics here.

Then also I did a pretty silly commercial with dogs in it… the videos are pretty funny- will post a few soon, but here are a few pics… fucking advertising.

Anyway beyond that it’s all status quo. Work work work. At least I have a light at the end of the tunnel. What that is, I’m not entirely sure this evening… but I do know that it’s there.

K SO.

2006-01-15T14:19:00.000-08:00

So, it’s not so bad to be here in LA. It’s actually pretty fun. It’s nice that it’s temporary…. But for now I am totally enjoying myself. I bought a car- a super shiny nice silver Honda CR-V. It’s great… its a 2002 but it feels brand new. I mean, the fucker is perfect…. Not a scratch on it… so that makes it fun to be here- because living in LA means lots of time spent in a car- and having a new one makes that fun.

Been working hard and it’s nice to know that there is money coming in… I’ve been spending lots of time with Damaris and Mimi, and that just fucking rocks. I’ve been seeing lots of movies and watching DVD’s and fuck knows I love the picture show. And I had a date the other night that was totally fun and not annoying or horrible (as they so often are) and so that is promising. Then the Bronco’s won yesterday which is the best shit ever, and tonight I am throwing a surprise birthday party for Damaris- which is fun and naughty and… so. You know- everything is good.

Living with the parents is mostly good, few rough patches… but nothing too intense… just the usual crap.

One thing I hate right now is “the question”. I got the question my senior year of collage, I got it when I finished the short film, and now I’m getting it again. I hate that question. You know the one: “So, what’s next for you?”

“Um, like, I don’t know man- just kinda freeloading off my parents for a while, trying to get out of debt, then gonna go to Colorado where I will freeload a while longer, hand with 2 year olds, make mud pies and then like, I don’t know.”

Maybe I had better answers last time. But I hate answering that question these days. There is always this tone of- you went to Europe… so now what. What epiphany did you have? Like they expect that they I am coming home to take over the world… and well, I guess I feel like I am disappointing them… or maybe I’m disappointing myself… or who the fuck knows… but I don’t want to talk about it. I just kinda want to keep it slow for now. I’ll speed up again… but not today.

Everyone always says in theory giving yourself a “sabbatical from life” is a good thing to do- but the looks one gets at dinner parties when trying to explain that you have no plan- or, more pointedly that the plan is the “anti- plan”… it doesn’t always bode well…it’s hard a hard one to spin…
So anyway- got that going on.

Mostly it’s good. And I feel good. Happy, healthy, looking forward to a lot of travel in the next few months- Rome, NY, Florida… Rhode island, Massachusetts… France… got a lot of miles to travel this year, and it all feels good.

So you know… happy. Happy days- anywhere I am. These days are Happy Days.

HELLO NEW YEAR. HOW ARE YOU? NOT SURE YET HUH? ME TOO.

2006-01-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

I started my new year decidedly different than any other year ever ever ever. And by that I mean this: I slept right thru the fucker. Seriously. In bed. Asleep. Happy days. That may not seem that unusual to you, but I ‘m a big new years eve-er… I fucking love the night. An excuse to party for no good reason- it’s not religious, it’s not celebrating independence or a person… it’s not about jack shit… it’s about a fucking calendar for god sakes… not THAT is my kind of holiday… instead of new years eve I feel that we should call it “for no good fucking reason”… yes.

But I digress. In just about every year past I have had some extravagant plans whereby a group of friends and I howl at the mood in some mind altered bender at midnight, and no calls me crazy when I set things on fire.

And I had that all lined up this year, I had an excellent small but good times party not far away from the house where I could get shit faced, howl, ice skate, be by a fire, be under the stars, fireworks on hand… perfect… happy days.

But at about 9pm I got in bed, called Shoni told her to count me out, put my eye mask and my ear plugs in and got under the covers.

Somewhere around midnight I woke up to the sound of fireworks, and right out my window was a huge fucking display… I mean huge, and right in basalt. SO without as much as getting out of bed, Pete and I never moved, we just pulled back the curtain, watched the AMAZING show, rolled over and went back to bed. It was kind of awesome.

However, when you are expected to be the “life” of the aforementioned party, the guilt and the expectations and the disappointments when you don’t arrive at said party… well, that shit follows you around… and everyone thinks something is wrong with you and blah blah blah.

And I’m like “no man, I was just tired…”

But I can see a trend starting here. Not about new years, but with my friends looking for the chase they used to know and not having an easy time finding her.

----

Back in LA I feel like I am finally back in the states now. The last month has been such a cluster fuck- between work, incognito, driving to Colorado and the f-ing holidays… mama needs a break.

So I have spent the past few days paying bills, organizing my life, moving in to a comfortable level, seeing movies.. but mostly my time has been spent shopping for a car.

The last two times I have bought a car it was always fun… I mean shopping for a car means … well- YOU GET A NEW CAR. But this time it sucks ass. I attribute this to two factors. Firstly I am buying a used car (blarg). And secondly I don’t really WANT a car. I’d rather not thank you very much. And if I HAVE to… I thinking hybrid. Did you know those mother fuckers START at $30,000? Fuck that. Do you have $30,000? Cuz I sure as shit don’t. So then I’m like- go boring, reliable.. think rental car but not rented right? Oh for fuck sake how blasted boring is that?!!

I want character, spunk, spice, life… verve… But I also want the fucker to start in the morning. Ahhh the precarious nature of consumerism.

So after 4 days of 5 hours a day searching, I think I found a car that will due. I am driving down to Long Beach in the morning to check it out.

I think I am going to buy an SUV. Pause, wait for the “I’m joking” Actually I’m not. It’s not really a SUV, except that technically it is. It ‘s the Honda CR-V. It’s like a girly SUV. Lacks the gas guzzling cahones of a “real” SUV. No this puppy will get 30 miles to the gallon, a SUV I think not. (it’s essentially a civic on a truck chassis…

So anyway. I want to kill myself because those car salesmen are blood sucking greed mongering devil dick heads…. But I trudge on- thru the fiery pits of consumerism… trying to find my cay, one car panel at a time…

God damn this country is bleak. I guess the upside of buying a car is that the soon I get it the sooner I can see LA in my rear view window as I get the fuck out of this town. Ha.

MERRY MERRY BLAH BLAH

2005-12-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

You know why I love Boxing Day? (that’s the day after xmas for all you yanks…) Because it means Christmas is over and we don’t have to listen to anymore crap Christmas music. I mean really. How can people stand to listen to those same fucking songs over and over and over, year after year?… they’re not even that good of songs. Silent night my ass, not with all those jingle bells rocking round the Christmas trees decking the halls and jamming pigeons up pear trees.

Fuckin hell.

Christmas really is such a production in the states, and my family is no exception. My mother is a bit of a Martha Stewart, and so every year there are perfectly little wrapped jems under a perfectly decorated tree while some sweet little cider kind of beverage cooks on the stove and makes the whole house smell delicious and safe and there are candles in the windows protecting us from the outside and all we do is cook and eat and be lazy.

It’s pretty fucking awesome, but as with everything in my family and in this country, there are a million expectations and responsibilities and expectations. Yesterday everyone went sledding and when I opted to stay home for a precious few minutes of quite time you would have thought I told them I wasn’t coming home for xmas or something.

“What do you MEAN your not coming!!!! You HAVE to come!!!”

Actually, no. I don’t.

I just needed a little down time. A little time without food, or cooking or cleaning or talking about what we are going to cook, clean or eat. (As I write this now, everyone is down stairs eating AGAIN. I don’t think I can EVER eat again. Fucking a. TOO MUCH.)

Re-entering the states at this time of the year is just, a lot. These people are fucking crazy. Americans are nuts. Wound so tight, so predictable so exhausting. And the gluttony is especially apparent and overwhelming this time of year.

I’ve been crying more than usual. And the usual is sort of never for me. I’m not a big crier. But I have wept like a baby a few times since coming home. It’s the strangest thing. I just get so overwhelmed. It’s not rocket science why… call it sadness about not being in Rome, call it sadness abut having had the dream of living in Italy for so long and being home so quickly after that began, call it being simply TIRED, call it being bored at home, call it searching in a REAL way for the first time in my life, call it not being alone after spending a year alone virtually each and every day, call it being 30… call it whatever you want.

The simple truth is I can’t do the things like I did before I left. I am different. And when I try and pretend I’m not, I freak out and have to lock myself in a bathroom or a closet or someshit and have a good long hard hard cry.

It’s a new thing for me. I’m not a huge fan of the new weepy chase. But what the fuck. At least I’m listening to myself, rather than trudging on, turning it into stress and needing a massage that I never get. Fuck that.

I pretty much always try to remain present in any given circumstance- you know show up, be present. But sometimes I just need to crawl up to my bed room with my cats and pound away on my computer for a while. Because even though I’m here, in this house, in Colorado, with my family right now. But in my heart, I am a million trillion miles away… in a little secret garden with my cats, and the sun, where it is quiet, still and I don’t need to cry.

FUCKIN A

2005-12-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

I’m beat. I mean like I am so tired I feel like I need another year in Italy just to catch up. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a night in weeks… and film work is so hard and the hours are so brutal… I just kinda forgot.

This last job was a totally fuck jam. It sucked ass. The crew was good and I had fun with the boys. But it was HARD. My boss/ dad got really sick, and as luck would have it all hell broke loose on his sickest day. It was the fucking worst. Plus the producer was such a cocksucker it made us all wanna walk. But we didn’t, of course. We just bent over, grabbed our ankles and took the atomic wedgie. Cuz that’s what we do sometimes.

I forgot how much I like to get a little dirty and fuck around on set. The last day I kinda went for it, got the work gloves on and got pretty dirty. I also drove a forklift for the first time- call me a country girl… but I just fucking love operating heavy machinery. ALSO we got to blow up a house on this job. It was fucking awesome. I have some pics here, and if you want to see the video (cuz it’s amazing) out can download that here.

Other than work I have been trying to see my friends and pretty much failing at every turn.

Fuck it - I just can’t do what I used to do here. I think it’s fine. I’m not sure how everyone else feels about it. Last night I didn’t answer my phone for a few hours and I swear to god my father put a fucking APB out on me. I got so many calls this morning, like “hey where were you, your dad was looking for you” I was like- back the fuck up. He called 15 people looking for me… I’m not kidding. I had to give him a little talking to this morning. Makes me feel like a fucking teenager…. For the past year I have been so goddamned independent- didn’t talk to them for weeks at a time. No one hears from me for like 5 hours and I must be dead.

Fucking Americans. Always imagining the worst. Good god.

Anyway. Stayed tuned on the living with the parents situation. Yikes.

Went to TWO sports bars last night- talk about fucking Americans. What a sausage fest in there. Americans are so very… loud. Loud in so many ways. Their voices, their gestures, their egos, their pride, all of it. And god how much does LA suck at night in the bar scene. Whew, brutal. Desperate. Pathetic.

Anyway. Going to Colorado in a few days, have to finish wrapping this job and then I am off. I’m excited- but snow? Fuck that.

This morning when I realized that maybe I made a mistake moving in with the rents- and I started to think about my options again I came up with a pretty profound realization.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE ANYMORE. It’s a totally mind fuck. I guess it wouldn’t seem so big if my whole life up till this point hadn’t been so directed and driven. I just- dunno. It’s all open and the opportunities are almost stifling. I guess next is Colorado: godsons, nature. (One step at a time Chase).

Thinking a lot about a tropical island. I think I am ready for my Tom Cruise in “Cocktail” montage. Although I think getting cats to the tropics may prove to be tricky.

Speaking of cats – Pete has a bump- like a fat chunk (or a tumor). Dunno- the vet took wee bit of the hideous growth and I am hoping to know more soon. He’s fine I think. Actually he better be or I’ll kill the little fucker myself. I can’t live without him blatantly. Fucking cat.

OK- I’m fucking sick of being in front of my computer, sick of being alive today. Need sleep desperately. Have to eat and sleep. But I can’t seem to stop typing. Need to get up walk away, go to the kitchen, feed the cats- but similarly to when you stare and you can’t break it, I cannot stop my fingers from moving. Even though my neck burns and my eyes are heave.

I am a slave to my fingers.

BASTA.
ps: also posted some pics from my 30th birthday party here.

TWELVE FOURTEEN OH FIVE?

2005-12-14T14:36:00.000-08:00

Is it really the 14th of December? Jesus Christ it’s been a long time since I wrote… I mean I guess it’s only 8 days but that’s a lot for me… fuck man. LA. Being back here- fuck, I’ve slipped right back to where I was before I left and sometimes it feels like my time in Rome, my life there, and that whole experience didn’t even exist….

It’s fucking weird.

I think the jet lag is finally wearing off. I was in a state of exhaustion for about 2 weeks- seriously fucking tired.

I did the museum thing… what a relief to get that over with. I got 47 volunteers. I have no idea how I did it- working and being all jet lagged and weird… but I did it and the evening went great and blah blah blah…. I just felt like I could finally relax once it was over. That week building up to it was just brutal.

I hadn’t been back in the country for a week and there I was making upwards of 50 phone calls in a day- balancing budgets, multi tasking, going out with friends at night, Basketball games, dinner parties… I mean it was like my life here in LA was on hold, just waiting for me… and all I had to do was show up and it would just start again…

Like my life was a part in a play that some understudy had been performing for me for the last year… and now I am back, and while it was a little strange at first, automatic pilot took over – and I am here. Playing this part, being this person… doing this job, being this daughter, and this sister, and this friend…

And it’s nice and comfortable and all of that- I mean Jesus, I can’t tell you nice it is to HAVE THIS. HERE. STILL.

But.

But I don’t know… feels kinda tired, and I feel kinda like this is just a means to an end. Come here, make money, move on.

I was talking to an old friend who (after telling me I looked simply exhausted) was hoping I would take care of myself in the next few weeks and that I would remember all the things I had learned and the ways I had changed and that I wouldn’t just let myself slip back into my old ways…

And I was trying to explain to her, that while I would love to have time for myself and have the nice relaxing pace I’ve had for the last year… I don’t know how to do that here-

How am I not going to go to dinner with Mimi and Damaris next Monday? How am I not going to go to Harry’s birthday party cuz I have to get up at 5am? (Oh wait I did that last night and have felt guilty all day. And MORE than guilty, I feel like I missed something…) because I WANT to go to Harry’s birthday, and I WANT to go to the Clipper games with Max, and to Thursday night to watch Lost on Tivo with my friends… I mean who wouldn’t?

It’s fun to have a social life… it’s just fucking exhausting.

Anyway.

I am home and I am fucking KNEE DEEP IN THE HOOPLA. Looking so forward to Christmas- cant wait to go to Colorado and get the fuck out of LA again.. taking my cats (my poor cats… they are so cool, so tough, so awesome… what a team we 3…). I think I am excited for Colorado because it is comfortable and familiar but I don’t have adult patterns there, and I can’t wait to have a little nature in my life, and finally- I just can’t wait to kiss those two little boys. I just can’t fucking wait.

So for now I am at work, making some stupid insurance commercial. Sitting on an apple box, in the sun, on a back lot in LA, surrounded by fake houses, watching my life go by.

Because that’s what I do in LA.

BACK IN BLACK

2005-12-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

Holy shit I live in America again.

It’s kinda hard to know where to begin. I guess where I left off.

SAYING GOODBYE:
I only cried twice. Once when I sold my Vespa. I don’t know… Luigi was so good to me- he was my man, we never crashed, he never broke down on me, he was such a pal and he was so so baby blue. I actually cried. Then I cried the next morning when I put the cats in the elevator with some strange Italian man who shuttled them away and I freaked out. Luckily I took drugs and calmed down. Thank god for drugs.
TRAVELING
Flying for that long blows. Period. 10 hour flights just sucks. I mean, I doped up when I dropped the cats off, and that made me sleep for a while. But 10 hours. You wake up, you know? Luckily I had no one sitting next to me on either leg… so that was kinda sweet.
NEW JERSEY
Spent the night in Jersey at Aunt Lois’s house. TJ, Joe, Lois and Bryan. Love them. The real highlight was Emily and her amazingly beautiful daughter Sabine, came out for dinner and had a visit. That was pretty great. She looks amazing… and that little girl- holy shit. Gorgeous. The cats were fucking fine there… I mean like “what up we’re worldly cats… gimme a new house I don’t EVEN care.” It was bizarre.
ARRIVING
I was tired… obviously. In fact everyone was. The family was working so we ordered take out and kinda just starred at each other. I woke up at like 6 am on sat morning and thought fuck it and so I unpacked. Got mostly settled, made a run to my storage. Tried to take a nap- totally didn’t. I was feeling pretty fucking weird.
CULTURE SHOCK IN SAV-ON
I don’t think I’ve ever had culture shock before. Not like, real culture shock. But I pretty much lost my mind in Sav-on. It was the tomato soup. I’ve been craving tomato soup with a white bread and Velveeta grilled cheese sandwich for fucking ages… (gross I know, but you miss the strangest things when your gone for long enough) and there it was- right there- in Sav-on… in the food aisle. And there was just everything- food, detergent, stockings, cotton balls, convenience, check lines… it was all of it, AMERICA right fucking at my finger tips… it was so intense… I never felt like that before. Shortly there after I totally lost it and cried my eyes out for as long as I could..
THE PARTY
There wasn’t much time for crying or shock because in about 2 hours I was to arrive at a party for my 30th birthday that Carter threw me with about 300 people. It was truly awesome. I mean, it was just so much fun. It was strange at first, so I started in on the champagne. I got pretty drunk. Which is not surprising considering the amount I drank over the 8 hours in which I was at the party drinking- and considering the jet lag and the shock and exhaustion… actually I think I did pretty good. Except that I don’t remember anything- as I look back now- the entire thing was such a blur I basically can’t remember a second of it. I mean- sure I remember it… but not really- not really at all. (in fact I seem to remember the drunk bits clearer than the NOT DRUNK BITS…) It’s so weird. One thing I absolutely remember is that at about 4:30 in the morning a gorilla suit appeared and I put that fucker on and rode a bicycle a full lap around the book store. It was a definite highlight. Seriously- it was so much.. I had a fucking blast. But I was in such culture shock at that time it’s all like a dream to me now.
VICKI
There’s a reason she’s my best friend. She flew all the way out from NYC for my party. What a girl.
THE JOB
SO then I started working today. 12 days. In a row. Oh my god. Here we go. (we’re building a house so we can blow it up…it’s gonna be awesome but what a waste- fucking Hollywood)
INCOGNITO
And then there is the whole reason I came home early- an art show I am coordinating. I need 50 volunteers by Saturday night. I have 35. Fuck man. This is all a lot.

I have this theory that we don’t bite off more than we can chew… like we can always pull shit off if we make ourselves. But I just… I just don’t think I want to anymore.

I’m not as good as multi tasking. Or maybe I’ll get better at it… but I had to hang up with Damaris tonight because it was quite simply too hard for me to talk on the phone and work at the same time… that’s like, pathetic for me.

So even though I may be back on the playground… it might take a minute to be in full swing again. But luckily I got plenty of people around to give me a push…

TOMORROW

2005-11-29T16:02:00.000-08:00

Is my last day in Rome. I have packed completely so there is very little to “be done” tomorrow- apart from a long lunch, a relaxing morning, 2 scripts to read, sell my scooter and say goodbye to my friends round the pub tomorrow eve.

It’s not sad, not really. I already have a flight back in Feb. And although I will obviously miss my friends, and SO MUCH this city, this time, this way of life…

I still feel, very much, that everything is as it should be.

And that makes leaving somehow easier.

All systems go- t minus 48 hours.

I’ve said it before, and I will, blatantly say it again:

Buy the ticket.
Take the ride.

Hambrula.

FOR THE FIRST TIME

2005-11-26T14:52:00.000-08:00

I got really excited to go home today. Just realized all the amazing people that are there that I miss so much, and all the wonderful luxuries I get to indulge in: Showers, baths (been fucking months man) A haircut from Brenda and fucking mani pedi whenever I please… oh man and sushi and Mexican and mom’s cooking and carter and nikki’s cooking and warm weather and a yard for the cats and the beach and TV and movies all the time- oh fuck man. And Whole foods and basketball and a big desk, oh man and my printer and my desk chair!!! And a bed that’s not a cheap ass futon fold out couch… And sally’s ugly carpet pet ladder thing so she can get to high places without me lifting her p and getting her down…and Sav-on drugs (don’t even need anything, just love that it’s there….) And how bout this one- computer screen cleaner- gagging for that, my computer is just filthy, god and Tivo and THE OC, and Damaris and Carter and Jacob and my parents and Frenchie and Jamie and my mans and ma meems and just to pick up the phone and not have to dial with a calling card and punch in the number and blah blah blah… to call Emily and Vicki whenever, at any hour… god and life without a 9 hour time difference, and to just be able to speak FLUENTLY, ELOQUENTLY to anyone- to order meat at the butcher and actually get what you want… and to be funny to strangers, to be able to have CHARM back… god- and work. I’m excited for work- you know a proper job with a proper income so I can fucking buy a thing or two should I fancy it…

YES. I needed desperately to be away from all those things. And I needed to be broke and live simply. And I did, and I was and IT WAS AWESOME and hard and fun and simple and liberating- fucking hell so liberating.

But I think I might be done now. (Or at least this week I am).

I mean, am I apprehensive about going home? Sure. Am I apprehensive about living with my parents for ummm, an indefinite amount of time- absolutely. Do I wish I could bring Luigi the Vespa there and not have to buy a gas guzzling monster machine car? Fuck yes. Do I fear the greed heads and the hate mongers that run the country? So much. Am I worried I won’t have any time for myself to read and to sit still, and wonder and ponder and stare and write blogs and work on my little projects? Yea, it’s been an amazing year for that: ME TIME…Am I afraid that after 4 weeks I am going to number one want to buy thousand and thousands of unnecessary over advertised electronics and number two (and worse), decide I made a mistake and wish I had stayed- ABSOLUTELY fear that.

But coming here was a risk- and I did it and it worked out great. Going home is a risk too, in a way. But it seems to me the thing to do. And right now- given all the circumstances, financial and otherwise, things decidedly feel like they are, as they should be.

So I can’t wait to go home and fuck about for a few months in LA. Sounds fun. Finally. It sounds fun.

TURKEY DAY

2005-11-24T14:05:00.000-08:00

Happy thanksgiving America. Not my favorite holiday (the whole slaughtering an innocent nation of people… I don’t know), but absolutely my favorite meal. I am just chilling in Rome alone- no celebrations no nada. Just a chill night at home with the cats.

My birthday, on the other hand was, awesome.

My near and dear Zoe George took me out and we had a fucking blast. We just wandered around Rome creating havoc- going from bar to bar, restaurant to restaurant- drinking champagne, popping balloons, lighting fireworks, jumping on monuments, tried to steal a golf cart… (foiled unfortunately)… it was absurdly fun. I spent a lot of the day on the phone- thank you all for calling and emailing me- no shit, it was an impressive turnout- birthdays always make me feel loved when I get so many calls… (and some random ones too- how about my babysitter from when I was like 5 called to say Happy 30th… amazing).

Anyway- my first day of my 30’s was, ahem, not so fun. It was just like my 20’s only the hangover was much much worse.

It literally happened overnight. I’m gonna go right ahead and say in the TOP 5 bad hangovers of all time. Actually, fuck that- it’s number 2. (there was one other really bad day- but I was in Aspen and there was some altitude lack of oxygen element that really fucked that one up…) this one was just pure and simply brutal.

Anyway… I suppose the long hard road of old age has officially begun… I’ll begin saying things like “oh, there goes my back again” and “why I remember when I was a kid, we used to write our letters BY HAND” Fuck man. All that “your only old in your mind” shit is- well shit. I live like an 18 year old, but I get hung over like a 30 year old. That shit ain’t fair.

Anyway-

One good story for you today. Took the cats to the vet for their health cert so they can fly next week, and couldn’t get a taxi home. 5:30 rush hour, called for one twice, couldn’t hail one on the street- BRUTALLY cold. Waited for so long- but the cats were cold, and so was I, so I said fuck it, and walked. 20 minutes. Uphill. With the two cats. Sucked. Now, for those of you who have met Peter, you know, he’s like, well, if my brother was a cat… or say, an SUV perhaps. HE’S FUCKING ENORMOUS, he’s the better part of 20 pounds, and while Sally is comparably small, at a mere 11 pounds- put that together, and that’s a whole lot of pussy to be dragging down the street. It totally sucked. But it made thankful. For taxis, and cars, and free rides, and heat, and having another person in your life from time to time to help carry the weight.

And I’ve been in Rome for a year without these things. All these things I so took for granted. And today, maybe truly for the first time ever. I really was grateful, that so so soon- it will all be back in my life.

Ci vidiamo dopo.

HOLY DREAMS AND SHIT

2005-11-21T05:41:00.000-08:00

I’ve been having some decidedly fucked up dreams. Total anxiety morning madness- good fuck. Dreamt I had a fight with my parents last night cuz they took me to a football game, and I was “bugging out” (that was the phrase I used in the dream…) and ther was a wave machinge that used real water…(in the dream that was impressive) and I wanted to leave because I fell in love with an old friend (which made me wake up with the creeps), but I was pissed because my mom tricked me into going to the game, and I needed her car to leave… oh man- just weird shit that are all obvious to read into and I feel silly for having them… it’s like JEEEE-SUS.

I went shopping (this is not a dream) for my birthday breakfast today- salmon, capers, cream cheese and the closest thing I could get to a bagel. It’s totally NOT a bagel, but I’m real good with my imagination- and I have a real fancy bottle of champagne- so I plan to bring in 30 with a little treat for myself. Then I am going to lunch with the girls. And then I think I’m gonna get a tattoo. (I feel so naughty about that… tee-hee).

All my friends are really loving on me right now- it’s kinda overwhelming. For the first 6 months I could hardly get them to open up- and then, like when you try and try to open a jar and it suddenly gives- so too did they with their friendship. And for the last 6 months I have been forging some really important wonderful friendships. But the shit that’s gone down in the last week- saying goodbye when it feels so fucking premature- we all just fell in love! And now it’s later days to the Yank. Anyway- they have a few pints and its “we love chase” time. It’s kinda intense. Nice and sweet, and feels really good (even though inside I am laughing aloud at them all.. cuz their such saps…) but still it’s kinda heavy.

Turning thirty tomorrow. Wow.

That’s so fucking awesome I can’t even deal. Dirty Thirty.

Thirty is a full fledged grown up. I’m like a big kid now. That’s so wild.

I’m a grown up and it’s fucking cold today. Oh yea, and did I mention that I am grown up without HEAT IN MY APT. Wow does this suck. I’ve never not had my heat work in my life. Lemme tell you it really sucks. It’s so cold in here… ahhh. All I can do is laugh at the absurdity of this country. I called my land lord a MONTH ago about the heat. Don’t know why I should be surprised it’s still not fixed, and now it’s like, fuck it, it’s just a week + I can make it. But fuck it sucks. Sincerely.

Anyway- in the words of my favorite red head, “You need 4 inches of bod and a great birthday”

IT’S A LOVE FEST

2005-11-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

Here in Rome. Leaving in a week and 1/2. Turning 30 in two days… oh just let the celebrations begin. And they have.

We celebrated my last Friday night of my 20’s, and I suffered greatly on Saturday… but Suzie and Zoe disguised as a UPS package (as if) weaseled their way into my apartment and bloody mary in hand carried me out to celebrate me last SATURDAY night in my twenties.

Next week is already a blur and I it hasn’t even happened yet. SPQR baby. SPQR.

I’ve decided to get a third tattoo to commemorate my time here. I think I will do on the Tuesday. I like to bring in decades with a bit of irreverent behavior. The last night of my teens I shaved my head bald. (thank you very much for your help Max Wheeler)…

But thirty needs champagne and caviar no? Too bad I’m so broke it’s more like Prosecco and gnocchi, but do I sound like I’m complaining?

On a different note quite suddenly it became winter here. I mean holy fucking shit it is cold. Too cold to go outside to smoke a cigarette, you need a COUPLE of coats to just walk down the street. I’m sure last night was in the low 30’s. I don’t think I could take it all winter. I don’t know how people do it.

I tell you one thing, my ass is RUNNING back to the wintertime in LA. Gimme some bitches in bikinis on rollerblades on the beach. Woo-hoo heat and alliteration. That’s what I am looking for. I say god damn.

But so anyway- I am leaving so so soon, and it’s a love fest out here. Can’t believe I am leaving. I just, can’t believe it. I think actually maybe it hasn’t hit me? How is that possible? I feel really aware and present- it’s just, I can’t believe that I am not going to get to walk into fins and see 25 people I know at any giving moment. I think I get the big picture, but it is the little things that I don’t even know that I love that I will miss- I have that feeling very strongly.

Is it possible that there is something greater at work here? That, for all my introspection I have still somehow missed, the biggest part of this whole deal? Perhaps one day in a month or two I will be in Colorado with the boys or in LA at work or wherever the fuck, in whole foods and BAM, Whatever I feel I am missing, will hit me like a ton of bricks. And I will find myself in a whole in the sidewalk. Looking up at the sky- seeing in it a shade of blue for the first time? Or am I wrong about that.

Is the sky really just that color?

I also am feeling a little apprehensive about going to LA. It’s not so much that I won’t have fun, or love to see my people again, but I’m afraid that the silent sneaking depression that was so present in my life for the last few years of my tenure there, will return. I know I am in a different place and much stronger and smarter and whatever… I HAVE THIS. This thing inside me that I got from coming here. And I think it is probably strong enough to ward off whatever LA can throw at me. But I am still a little scared.

But I guess that means I’m paying attention. Wouldn’t be right if I turned 30, left Rome and moved in with my parents all in the same 2 weeks… I SHOULD BE SCARED. Which I guess is why I am excited to go.

Because I dig that what scares me. BRING IT THE FUCK ON. You know? Lets do this.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Stay the course Chase. Buy the ticket. Take the ride.

I say God damn. I’ll see those bikini clad bitches yet.

GOT A FEW

2005-11-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

Pictures from mom and d's visit...

tons more to come, just tossed a few up there today.

tra la la.

MONA LISA’S AND MAD HATTERS

2005-11-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

Well, mom and D have been here for 6 days. What a fun fun time. I can’t tell you. So so amazing and wonderful. It was such a trip, and in many ways solidified my experience here in Rome. Sometimes it takes a best friend and your mom to show up to make it all real. Even if it is two weeks before you leave….

We had such adventures. We went to the Vatican (which was so wonderful, so much better than the last time I was there a month ago) and we traveled down south to Pompeii to see the crazy ruins (which was so beautiful but after an afternoon in the south I was just plain THRILLED to get home to Rome). And we shopped and moseyed around and we went to the flea market, and mom bought me THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ring for my birthday, AND WE ATE. Oh man did we eat. Just meal after meal. Sort of a final hurrah for me. Being that I am off so soon, it was just bliss to be able to share all my favorite stores and restaurants and corners of the city with them. And we crossed a few things off my to do list, and even found a few I didn’t know were on it. It was so great.

But now that they are gone it is back to life.

My precious life that I get for only two more weeks. Which aren’t even normal weeks. I turn thirty, I cook thanksgiving (or a version thereof- no turkey- bird flu is a real thing here…) and then I say good bye to my favorite city in the world and I go back to fucking America.

I am totally resigned to going at this point… but I have realized that I AM NOT DONE IN ROME. And that makes me feel strange that I am going. I am very aware that I don’t want to go, and at the same time I am OK to go… I just know sometimes as a grown up you have to do certain things, and now that I am 30 (or at least I will be in less than a week) I must act responsible and like a big girl and do what I must.

It’s time to get my cats home. It’s time to go and make some money. It’s time to be a god mother.

But
this
time

IS.
ALMOST.
OVER.

And I will mourn it’s passing. But I am so grateful and happy and blessed that It happened at all.

And I will maintain and I will survive, and so too will Rome. As long as the Coliseum stands, and the eternal flames glows and my heart beats.

So too, will my love for this great seat of western civilization live on.

However buried under soot and silt and sewer over how many thousands of year… I will love this place, and this time.

“I thank the lord for the people I have found. While Mona Lisa’s and Mad Hatters, sons of bankers, sons of lawyers, turn around and say good morning to the night. For unless they see the sky, but they can’t and that is why, they no not if it’s dark outside or light. “ -EJ

And in more un sentimental news my brother is throwing a huge fuck all coming home/ birthday party for me the night after I arrive to LA.

So I suppose fuck Mona Lisa, fuck her mad hatters, Its time to go back to one.

LET THE WILD RUMPUS START

2005-11-07T01:04:00.000-08:00

Holy mother fucking shit.

Oh man. November’s gonna be a big month. I can feel it.

I’m such a schmuck. I’ve got this smile on my face and I can’t get rid of it… such a goof ball.

I’m so happy.

Anyway, yesterday I got a phone call and my mom and damaris are coming to Rome to visit me for (what I am calling) a pre birthday happy days weekend… they get here on Wednesday! It’s Monday! I’m so pumped. No time to anticipate… they get here in two days…So it’s the ol’ clean up, straighten up and get ready for my girls. So fun.

AHHHH. Smile. There it is, that goofy child like, just got a piece of candy grin.

Ha.

LOVE LETTER TO MY TWENTIES

2005-11-05T03:33:00.000-08:00

In a few days I will be leaving my twenties and entering my thirties. It’s a milestone. It’s a rite of passage. It’s a reality.

I loved my twenties. I partied my ass off in my twenties. Holy shit.

Here’s a look back at a few of the highlights:

1995- 1996- 20
I was still in college. Living at 525 Newbury street with Vicki.
It was junior year. I spent the spring of my twentieth year traveling thru Europe and living in a castle in Holland. It was the first time I came to Rome. Jake and Vicki broke up. I started my senior year of college. I quit smoking. I was still doing theater. I stayed up for 7 days in a row during finals that fall.

1996-1997- 21
Big year. Became a senior in college, turned 21, dislocated my shoulder. My best friend Miles died. Started smoking again. Finished off senior year- began my relationship with alcohol. Moved out of Boston with a suitcase and a jar with a plant clipping in it. Spent the summer in Aspen. Looked east looked west. Decided LA had better weather and moved to Santa Monica. Got an apartment at 1306 Arizona Ave. Met a boy named Hugo. Got a job in the Art dept. Planted the clipping. Got a cell phone.

1997-1998-22 (My golden Birthday year)
Amazing Year. Sometimes I still feel like I’m 22. I found a cat and named her Sally… Formed Chick Pee Productions. Raised 40 grand with the Girls and shot a movie. Josh and Dave Carr lived with me for the summer. Ate Drank slept Jack and Jill. Moved the plant to a bigger pot.

1998-1999- 23
Spent the spring not doing anything to the film. Major guilt. Got another cat, named him Pete. Broke up with my loser boyfriend. Started dating a girl. Got a DUI. Finished my movie.

1999-2000- 24
Brought in the millennium with a premiere of my first film at CAA. Great premiere. Everyone I ever knew was there. I felt like a movie star. I was still so hopeful. Spent the spring traveling to film festivals with the film. Realized I hated the business side of film. So that summer I launched into a documentary on psychics that I never finished. The actors went on strike and I had to get a “real” job. So I helped my parents build their house. That fall I moved into a new apartment at 1450 Franklin St. Brought my plant. 3 days before my birthday I died my hair purple.

2000- 2001- 25
Another big year. Brought in my 25th year with the first of many enormous parties at my new apartment. Drove to up the California coast with my best friend Vicki. Got a tattoo of a star on my wrist. Went to Hawaii for work for two weeks. Produced a short film called Ménage A Zombie. Fell in Love. Got my heart broken. Lost about 30 lbs. Performed my first wedding ceremony. Threw a party that lasted 5 1/2 days. Found out I was sick… something hormonal…And spent the rest of the year on a drinking bender.

2001-2002- 26
The drinking bender continued. Brought in the New Year with 6 of my closest friends from college. Suffered deeply from a still aching heart. Spent a lot of time at the doctors. Gained back all the weight I had lost. Hit rock bottom in Culver City. Vowed to get healthy. Grew my hair out. Decided to get the fuck out of town and drove thru 36 states in 46 days. Made a coffee table book called WC USA.

2002-2003- 27
Felt better, but numb. Got to work. Worked my ass off. Bought a convertible, completely re-did my apartment. Became a godmother. Bought a myself fancy new computer. Threw a few parties. Realized I was done with LA. (didn't realize I would stay another 2 years...)

2003-2004- 28
Started this year by having $3000 of my savings stolen. (There goes last year’s hard work). Did some soul searching and bought a plane ticket to Rome for the fall. Worked my ass off (again). Went to Rome. Fell in love, found happiness. Came home and stated packing up my life.

2004-2005- 29
Packed my apartment. Sold my car. Quit my job. Took a clipping from my plant. Moved to Rome. Bought a Vespa. Found an apartment at 189 Via Panisperna. Planted the clipping. Wrote a book. Learned to speak Italian. “Found myself”. Forgave myself. Ate, traveled, remembered how to smile. Performed my cousin’s wedding, got a job with Medusa Films. Made new friends. Spent all my money.

2005-2006- 30
Few things are certain for me… but this year I plan to go back state side, buy a car, work in LA forthe winter, move to Colorado for a while in the spring to be with my godsons. Maybe spend the fall in NYC, dunno. Guess we'll see. This is much is for sure. Where ever I go, and whatever I do. You can be sure, I’ll take Pete, Sally, and my plant with me.

THE FAIREST OF THE SEASONS

2005-11-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

Now that Patrick is gone- it means I am the next one to go. I leave in exactly one month and I am so not looking forward to it. Blatantly.

Obviously it will be fine- but after 30 years of being sentimental and lets-face-it, a bit melodramatic… (why stop now?) I feel all this sadness about leaving…

I keep blaming my departure on the fact that I can’t afford it- and while that is the truth, it’s not about money… you can ALWAYS make money, it’s not that… it’s… you know I chose to leave, and I’m going to. Because it’s time. An I just really don’t want it to be.

I just feel sad. I liked living in Rome, and I liked being a vespa owner, and I liked being an ex-pat, and I liked saying- “I hate George Bush why do you think I don’t live there?” And as I watched TV last night (a friend has a satellite and he actually had CNN on in his house… it was wild)… but there I was, watching Condoleezza Rice talk in circles about Syria, and I just thought- fuck man, I can’t go back to that country- where you have to drive in the lines, and you can’t carry a beer down the street, and works starts at 4 AM instead of PM… and the PTA of America has so much control… I’m just not sure I can deal with it all again.

I guess I need to stop looking at everything like a life sentence, it’s only temporary, if I choose to make it that way… I can be on a plane right back here in a few months if I decide to…

I think I just know deep down I probably wont, and even if I do… it’s never the same as when you left. It wasn’t the same when I came back in February, as it was last summer- NO FUCKING WAY- not even close, and it won’t be when I come back next time… and so, I am, in a way mourning the closing of THIS PERIOD….

And you know it’s fine, it’s great. It’s all ok, and part of being a grown up… and I get it... It’s just sad…to look out my window on a rainy November day in Rome and think that this is all coming to an end.

Ahh Nico said it best didn’t she?

“Do I stay or do I go, and it is finally that I decide that I‘ll be leaving in the fairest of seasons”

Anyway. Megan, got some Halloween Pics up for you… I was road kill. Stupid. But totally fun. Did you know in Europe Halloween doesn’t equal costume? It has to be gory, in fact they make fun of Americans that say “I’m totally going as a cheerleader this year” if it ain’t dead or bloody it don’t count over here… funny huh?

IT’S WHAT YOU TAKE WITH YOU

2005-10-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

So as my time here comes to an end, my mind is full of “what next-isms.” I keep thinking about the things I have gotten used to, and all the new shit on the horizon, and all the things that are old, that will feel new- and that which I have attained here- and how much I will bring with me.

First there are the little things- a full set of kitchen knives, choices of plates, more than two mugs… A bigger shower! Being able to control the temperature of water in said shower… wow- a BATH. Wow. And no vespa! My parents house. I have to buy a car. FUCK. I don’t want a car. No way out of that I’m afraid.

Then it’s things like going back to the land where complex carbohydrates are the enemy, and everyone is image obsessed. (Imagine the last 9 months I haven’t heard ANYONE talk about their diet… amazing- so so life altering, I can’t tell you).

And what of TV, and movies anytime I want? And the language… to be back where all communication is possible.

And time. What of all this free time- where will it go? Gobbled up in vacuous LA- land of too many people not enough time?

But life without phone cards, and a real stereo, and my brother and Damaris… And a proper mattress- AND A CHANGE OF SHEETS!!!! Oh wow. So many little things.

But I’ve so gotten used to this paired down lifestyle. Do I really need all that nonsense? No. And yes.

Perhaps I have endured with one set of sheets for 9 months because I always knew, that in a box on the other side of the world, I have more. And maybe I have forgone shaving my legs in the shower for the better part of a year- because one day I will sit upstairs in my parents enormous house looking at a chandelier while sitting in a hot foamy bubble bath… I can be this simple- because complexities are just a plane trip away.

I suppose I won’t know anything until I arrive and it all unfolds. But as I lie in bed- and listen to the sound of Rome outside. Vespas, yelling Italian prostitutes, lost tourists, drunk Irish boys, church bells… god, a thousand church bells… I wonder- what will I miss the most? What is the thing I will want back? Is it in the shower, or the kitchen, or the smell of cobblestones and history, or in the sound of the bells and the motorino’s mufflers? Or is it me? Will I miss who I am here- out on the other side of the world, all alone, the most recent version of myself? Where my oldest friend is someone I met last September… perhaps I will miss the isolation- the privacy. The quiet.

I suspect I will miss the stillness the most.

Is that stillness inside me? Or is it here in this place? Will that quiet be in LA too? Will I find again in Colorado?

Is it in me? Or do I leave it here?

And how much, if any, can I take with me?

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC

2005-10-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

I mean seriously man. This calls for a god damned celebration.

OK- first good news. I may yet be out of the woods with regards to the cat debacle. (see previous entry). Too soon to really say anything yet, but I can confidently express there is a very promising situation on the horizon. Whereby me, Pete, and Sally all arrive safely stateside, and on schedule.

And the second piece of good news, and this one is the doosey… with many thanks going to my brother Carter Carter and my most recent visitor Zoë Foster, it looks as though I won’t have to say goodbye to Rome after all. Allow me to explain.

While Zoë was here she gave me a very wise talking to in regard to my career and my current job and put my head on square (as it’s been a bit wobbly as of late) And with that pep-talk in my back pocket, and my ever techno savvy brother just a phone call away- the following has transpired:

I successfully figured out how to hack into the Medusa network- meaning that I can now receive their emails from anywhere on this blessed globe. (say for example, LA, Colorado.. you see where I’m going with this…)

And then I gave my boss a little talking to- telling him I had no intention of terminating my employment with him, and that I would continue to read scripts and monitor the Hollywood scene for him- only via internet. He, was thrilled by the idea- AND BETTER YET, when he said, “and then we’ll just sort out payment” I suggested in lieu of payment, every other month or so- he should fly me to Rome, where we can have a face to face, and I can… well- come back to the city I love most in the world… for free!!!!

So that’s that. He thought it was a fucking smashing idea, and I, for one am just so damned pleased with myself I would kiss my own ass if I bent that far over.

Seriously. Happy fucking days.

Smile with me world… It’s all gona be terrific, I just know it. Oh and look at that- Chase turns 30 in one month to the day. Good grief.

Buy the ticket. Take the ride.

OK- STAY CALM CHASE

2005-10-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

So I just found out that Continental (the airline I am flying out on) DOES NOT accept cats internationally any longer. Gulp.

Neither does US AIR- which is what I came in on, they recently changed their policy. Gulp.

Doesn’t look like very many airlines at all fly cats out of Italy. Gulp.

So, uh…. I am trying to figure this mother fucker out.

Of course I will get them home, obviously it will all work out. I will do anything I have too. Of course. It just might, uh get really fucking stupid expensive.

Awesome.

I’ll keep you posted.

WELL IT’S OFFICIAL

2005-10-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

My parents sold the farm I grew up on in Colorado, and they have downsized into a super cute little house in basalt. I’ve been receiving pictures from dad over the past few weeks, and I thought I’d share them with you.

When I see these pictures I know, it’s gonna be great to go home.

ONE MORE THING

2005-10-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

I would personally like to French kiss Steve Jobs. My new favorite person. Today I downloaded the season premier of Lost (which I have been unable to watch because I live in another country you see) and I watched the fucking show!!! I cannot tell you how awesome it was. I think that man is a genius. I thinks Apple is the greatest company in the world (kinda). And that makes me very very pleased. Now if they would just get the OC on there my life would be complete.

Ahh, how I love American TV. You really don't know how good you've got it.

HOLY SHIT

2005-10-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

Been meaning to write for days, but honestly it is not until this very moment that I have had any time. And even now I should be reading an enormous pile of scripts that has accumulated on my desk this week. BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK visitors. Haven’t eaten at home in almost two weeks.

Exhausting. LOTS of fun, but bloody exhausting.

So first it was Zoë. (Well, technically it was Leisa first- who was here for what amounted to almost 3 weeks on and off)… Then it was Zoë. Had a really wonderful couple of days while she was here. Sincerely. It was so so great. Zoë has been to Rome twice before, so the obvious pressure to take her to all the major sights was totally alleviated- leaving us to do as we pleased. What’s more- Zoë was very encouraging in terms of doing things I still hadn’t done. So, for example even though I’ve been here almost a year I still hadn’t climbed up to the top of the dome in St Peters (500 steps up… and very strange and claustrophobic and hilarious)… nor had I been blessed by the new pope, or gone to this really swanky fancy restaurant I had heard about… all of which we did. It was so fun. Zoë is so low maintenance and she was a pleasure to have in town… so it was awesome. And as always a wonderful wonderful to spend a few days with an old old friend that knows me so well, it really is nice to have friends for a long time. To check out pic’s of Zoë and I go here
.

Zoë left Thursday the same day David Franco arrived in Rome (AKA Amy French’s boyfriend) and the same day 8 of my relatives on my dads side arrived. The fame got in late so I was able to have an evening with Mr. Franco.

We had a wonderful long long long very Italian style dinner. We even moved inside when it got cold. I think we were at the restaurant for almost 4 hours. It was lovely. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see him again because the next morning bright and early I went and met the Carter clan.

My father’s oldest brother Jimmy, his wife Beverly their two kids Scott and Shannon. Scotts wife Michelle, Beverly’s sister and brother in law Judy and Al, and Bev and Judy’s dad- the amazing 90 year old “Pop” who kept up with us all the way.

They were a big group. I can’t imagine ever traveling with 8 people.. and after this weekend I know now there’s no way I could. That being said, we had a really really nice time.

We went out and ate fancy dinners and drank delicious wine, we told funny stories and laughed a lot… having my uncle here reminded me so much of my dad- it made me miss dad so much (ahhhhhh). I hooked them up with a private tour of ancient Rome, and on Sat we went to the Vatican on another private tour, that I went on too- it had been a year since I had been in there, and it really is fucking amazing.

They all left this morning- and even though it was so nice to see them, I was relieved to see them off- if only so I can have my fucking life back. I’ve been so neglectful. Today I did laundry and read, and slept past 7am… you know? It was nice.

Anyway.

I have to admit- I’ve been having some very serious reservations about going home. Well, more about leaving than going, truthfully.

It’s really hard for me. And I’m pretty sure it’s only going to get harder.

I don’t want to leave. I mean all my friends are REAL now… you know? And something changed in me about a month ago. I woke up one morning and realized- I can fucking speak Italian. I mean not fluently or anything- but fuck man- I learned it, and I can fucking do it. It’s one of the most amazing things I ever done EVER. And I can’t believe that now that I am finally getting good I’m leaving. It’s so stupid.

But I mean, it’s official, I’m going back and I’m leaving this place. AND IT SUCKS. All my friends know, my job knows. It’s happening a month and a half. Or 44 days to be exact.

I actually get really sad and weird and kinda choked up when I think about it. Because, I’m not done here- I’m not. I’ve just gone broke and I have to go stoke the proverbial financial fires as it were.

At any rate. I’ve constructed a list of things to do before I leave. It’s surprisingly not that long. Mostly I just want to enjoy the city, enjoy my friends. Get really really balls out rowdy on my 30th birthday, cook an enormous Thanksgiving dinner for my British friends who have never had it before, and you know… eat pasta, read more scripts, drive Luigi around and just try to be present and not miss a second of this.

It’s all starting to close in on me. I know in my heart it will all be ok… but sometimes I feeling like I have to do a lot of convincing of myself. It’s intense. But that’s life isn’t it. If it wasn’t intense for me it would mean I wasn’t paying attention. And I refuse to live like that.

A vafanculo. Niente non e importa…. Sono un po stanco, ma in fate tutti va bene.

KINDA TRIPPING OUT

2005-10-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

I’m starting to freak out a little bit about leaving. It’s resolved and it’s official, I am leaving Rome. Dec 1st. And it’s dawning on me that I am soon enough going to be back in the States and this life, and this apartment, my job and these people will all be a part of my past.
And, as is normal with moves like these, I have begun to evaluate my time here- what it meant, what I learned, why and if and how I move on- emotionally physically- etc.
And, as I may or may not have mentioned, my friend Leisa Inman has been in and out of town for the past 3 weeks. (Travelling throughout Italy, using Rome as a home base). But she is leaving tomorrow, and being the dope sister that she is, she is taking a suitcase home for me. Mostly summer clothes, some fancy shit I’m not gonna wear, extra bathroom shit that- being that I have zero minus two months left, I won’t use up.
And packing that bag today? It totally bummed me out.
I mean, I’m excited to move on- new heights, new stuff… the boys (!!!!!!!!!) I’m looking forward to Colorado so much. Kinda freaking out about LA actually. I’m ready to move FORWARD not backwards.
I left LA for a reason, and I can’t believe I have to go back. And that makes me wonder what this HAVE TO really means? I mean, yea, I’m fucking broke. And it’s only gonna get worse- and the only place in the world for me to live rent free and make lots o’ cash in a short amount of time, is LA. And I’ve created this- I mean, I spent all my money. I partied and gallivanted in Rome for year, at some point- you gotta go back to work Chase. That’s just a fucking fact.
And maybe that’s a part of it. Is that I have really allowed myself to be on a sabbatical from my life here in Rome… and maybe simply I don’t want to go back to the “real world”. But it feels like more than just that.
There are a lot of pressures for me in LA. There are a lot of roles I play there. Sister, daughter, boss, employee, best friend, second best friend, oldest friend, college buddy, high school friend, ex- girlfriend, industry wanna be, aspiring artist, apartment owner, fellow drinker, Laker fan, Clipper Fan Christmas gift giver, hell, cell phone answerer, Starbucks drinker, Whole Foods lover…ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
I led a very social life in LA, and truthfully, I hate it. At least I’ve came to. Once I had a blast there, but now, I’m done. And you can’t go back.
It’s exhausting for me there. And I don’t want to have to be THAT PERSON. And yea, I can sit here and say I don’t have to, and I’m not going to an blah blah fuck you blah. But- us humans, we don’t change. We have our roles and that’s where we live and how we play.
Who am I kidding to say that when I get to LA my cell phone won’t start ringing and just fucking never stop. And who am I to pretend I wont love every fucking caller. Because I have history with them- with you. But it’s overwhelming there for me.
And I’m not trying to whine. I’m really not. It’s just. LA is like the belly of the beast for me. Go back and work for the man. Go to hell and create advertising for the most gluttonous society in the world. I spent almost a decade selling shit to America. Shit they don’t need, and they can’t afford. And I made a great life out of it. But I became a numb sad vacant version of myself.
And while I KNOW that person won’t come back- because I’ve changed, I know that. It just seems pretty hard-core to have to go there at all. And I think I’m afraid to get stuck there again. Like if I go back and am in LA, that doing that somehow de-values my time in Italy. Like my time here meant nothing.
Whatever. Most days I wake up happy as shit- convinced I’ve got this game beat- or at least I’m winning. And most days I’m right. But it’s time to get on the road again. Because nothing great lasts, ebb, flow blah blah blah. Keep em’ wanting more... that’s what they say right?
If I have learned anything from my time in Italy, it’s that courage is in the stillness. It took all I had to walk away and sit still, and shut the fuck up and listen.

And I won’t loose anything I’ve learned. Especially once I land in Colorado. I just know from experience: LA is the least still place in the world.

SPEAKERS, RAINY DAYS AND DOUBLE DIGITS

2005-10-03T04:16:00.000-07:00

Oh it’s October. We have arrived in 2005’s double digits…. It’s fall. I mean it’s totally fall: Rain, grey skies, sweaters, jackets, scarves. It’s fucking wild.

This may not seem like much to you- but this is the first evidence of the change in season I’ve experienced in almost 10 years. IT’S SO FUCKING COOL. I mean, quite simply I had forgotten how cool mother nature is. Not that I am really in her arms- I’ve been surrounded by concrete for going on two decades… but seasons. How awesome they are- how much more aware I am that life is happening, that I am here, that THIS IS IT, all because it’s fall. Another reason to be grateful for life’s little miracles.

A second reason to be grateful is for a little guy I like to call dad.

My father changed my life, and he doesn’t even know it.

Since I arrived here in Feb- my only source of music has been my computer, and my ipod. And that’s it…. I mean sure Italian Top 40 streamed in over the grocery store or whatever… but as I’m sure most of you know the speakers coming out of a computer is like listening to your favorite song from the speakers in an elevator.

It sucks. It’s too quiet, it sounds like shit, it’s just so frustrating…. It’s like a musician’s worst nightmare… seriously.

Now, when I arrived here originally I bought two speakers which exploded and died the first day I plugged them in. Right... 220, 110. Lesson learned. And back in Feb I was still reveling in the release of all things materialistic… I was thrilled to be free of all my crap, and so a life without speakers was one I was willing to live…. I even embraced it. I was thrilled to be without them (almost).

But all these little sacrifices, no TV, no speakers, no dryer, no closet… these things grow heavy after a while, and we remember WHY we have them in our life in the first place… because, simply, they make life better, easier. Better, in small little ways, that I had all but forgotten. I mean- living in my sweet apt, with all that STUFF. Fuck man, I had not one, but 3 closets. 3!!!! and they were fucking huge. Hell I had 3 closets AND 2 garages. Jesus.

And now, after nearly in year, I have finally learned how to appreciate that again.

So now your like, “ok, I get it, she’s happy again… appreciating her luck, her life,“ yawn… “I mean Jesus, Chase we get it your lucky, what in the sam hell does this have to do with your father” you ask- right.

When I was in Cape Cod my father gave me a small but fantastically efficient pair of Sony speakers for my computer. I was thrilled (not about the extra weight in the suitcase, but for the potential of being able to ROCK THE FUCK OUT… you know- turn the music up and jam out like it’s the last night of your life… (god I live for that).

Anyway- I got back a few weeks ago and realized after carrying these fuckers 3000 miles- they are 110 and not 220 capable.

SO I was resigned to accept my fate as an only partial rocker these days. I had made it this far. BUT THEN, yesterday I realized, remembered, whatevered, the speakers take BATTERY.

I cannot explain. I really can’t. Otis Redding’s “I’ve been loving you too long” at top volume- windows open- music filling my room, cascading onto the street below for even the hookers to enjoy….

Total bliss.

Over speakers. Bliss over sound, music, projection. This coming from a girl who had speakers wired into every room of her last apartment. Seriously….

And so- the rainfalls, the air chills, the music plays, and I realize how luck I am to have relearned what it means, to appreciate.

Thanks dad.

A JOKE

2005-09-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

did you hear about the guy who thought he was a moth?

He went to the doctor and says "doc, I think I'm a moth",

and the MD says, "that's not really my specialty, you should go see a shrink"

and the guy says, "I know, I was on my way, but I saw that your light was on"

DOES ANYONE ELSE

2005-09-28T06:09:00.000-07:00

Find it funny that two words I can’t spell are business and career?

Without spell-check I would get those two wrong each and every time.

I think it’s perfect.

RECOVERING

2005-09-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yea I was in the mood for rowdy… and I got it. Holy shit. Not once but twice.

Really fun. Highlights include dancing on tables, breaking a TV in a taxi, walking down via Cavour at 6am (have great pictures), a very very hairy Italian ass crack (also captured on digital film), some French girl named Elodine, and a hung over dog hair that turned into the whole damn dog.

Fucking happy days. Fun times. Indeed.

Would like to think it’s gonna calm down for me… but that’s a fucking joke. Leisa Inman is in town this week- it’s her birthday on Monday, then it’s Suzie’s birthday next weekend, then Zoë Foster is coming in for 4 days (HOORAY!!!! SO SO EXCITED), and two days after she leaves my entire family on my dad’s side (the Carters) arrive for the weekend.

So fuck it. I’m just gonna turn this party up to a nice respectable level. Because I know it, and you know it, and everybody here knows it, and above all, I deserve it. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that this party is about to become a historical fact. But don’t worry mom, I won’t hurt anyone, I won’t even touch em. I’m just gonna make ‘em cry a little. Just by lookin’ at em.

HAVING A HANKERING

2005-09-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's friday afternoon and I am feeling the grind of a 5 day work week creeping up on me. I've never had a job that made me work weekdays before... no wonder so many people want to blow their fucking head off. Not that reading scripts and watching movies is all that bad of a fucking job... it's just... how do people live without weekdays off? Anyway.

I think I am going to go out and get kinda rowdy this weekend. Feeling it on the deep and down. Somethings just need to be done. I read so many scripts this week, and screened one TERRIBLE movie after another... where do these fucking people with their terrible movies come from? (oh wait, I AM one...)

Anyway. Time to blow off some steam- as only me and the ex-pats can.

There are those that can't do. They teach.

This weekend not only will I do... but they be teaching future generations about it.

ha.

HOLY FUCKING TRAFFIC

2005-09-22T14:35:00.000-07:00

For the record, I don’t think I have ever seen traffic like I saw tonight… what normally takes 10 minutes to ride on my Vespa from work to my house took me OVER AN HOUR. And that’s on a fucking motorino… I bet it would have take 3 hours or more in a car….

I’ve NEVER seen anything like it before.

It was so bad I actually thought the terrorists had blown something up, and I just hadn’t heard about it yet…. I mean it was brutal. I still don’t really know why it was so bad… a huge rain storm in the afternoon caused some massive floods and several accidents…

I mean, I guess. It was wild.

Normally you see cars all lines up- think of the 405 right? This was totally different- every possible inch of the street was filled with car, truck, van, bus, motorino… pedestrian…. Each going different directions… All so smashed in that you literally couldn’t get thru…

Italians have a very loose grasp on the whole “block the box” concept… meaning they don’t have one. You know those MC Escher drawings where every shape co-mingles so tightly each going a different direction so that after a while they become one solid mass.

Yea, Italian traffic. It’s kinda like that.

It was like the worst I’ve seen in New York and LA times about 100.

It was awesome.

But at least it wasn’t raining, like it was on the way to work. I got so unfucking believably wet. At one point I was so absurdly wet, my glasses were fogged and my face soaked- the top of my jeans were soaked all the way thru- my rain coat was simply emptying onto my lap. I considered pulling over to wait it out- but I would have been late… and for some reason I decided to trudge thru it. So I said fuck it, and I cranked my ipod to some serious classical music and just embraced it.

I Laughed and screamed the whole way there…. It was amazing. In a totally stupid absurd ridiculous my-kind-of way.

COMMENTS

2005-09-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

And to think I almost didn’t even post those midnight rambles… I’m glad I did. Thank you Amy and Roberto… you must have sensed I needed a comment or two. (something other than advertising on blog commenting… hate that)

It seems silly to rant on when Caroline’s parents and so many other have lost everything they owned… so many people lost their lives, and here we wait while Rita moves in… Jesus.

At any rate thank you, you remind me of what IS in LA. And that is most of the people I love most in the world. I’m so lucky to have all you amazing talented bastards (especially you two) in my life…. And that’s the reason I can stand it there for 3 months, or at all.

But I’m not there yet. Am I?

I awoke to a crisp fall day. It seems over night fall has descended here in Rome… Afternoon rains, chilly nights and cool crisp mornings. Work is in full swing right now- so I had two scripts to read today… which kept me in bed with the cats all morning… cuddled up and laughing. Finally TWO hilarious scripts… (I will omit the part about screening the worst film of all time… wow- some people just shouldn’t quit their day jobs).

Come lunchtime I jumped on Luigi and on my way to the store found a Korean market… it was so close to my house, I can’t believe I had never seen it before… I went nuts- tofu, mushrooms, sesame oil… wow. I can home and made a stir fry feast (thank you Penelope for leaving the wok..) Holy yum. OTIF right here in Rome. (Other Than Italian Food… is what that bad boy stands for, it’s what us WOP’s say…)

It was such a small thing, but finding something new today, right when I was all tumultuous about leaving… but damn it was great. Not making me want to stay, or leave… it just, made me happy. Complete. Imagine that. A Korean market making you feel complete. How delightfully simple I can be.

At work I use a PC. I have been a MAC user since I was in 3rd grade. It is a point of pride that finally after 5 months I finally figured out how to change my desktop picture. (Understand the computer is in Italian as an added bonus of difficulty). I put a picture of my godsons up. So no matter how silly I get with my desires to be more, go farther, be different, I can look at the boys and know…they are the light at the end of my tunnel.

Going back to LA is only a means to get to them.

And I can’t wait. But I refuse to let this precious moment pass by.

Everything is just so delicious isn’t it?

PS: Life on Mars by David Bowie is really a great fucking song. Seriously.

I'M LYING HERE

2005-09-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

It’s 1am and I can’t sleep. It was a year ago I lied in bed, not far from here, unable to sleep. Tossing and turning thinking about picking up and moving to Rome. And here I am literally, just down the street, a year later, thinking about moving back.

My mind is racing. What will I do with that comforter I bought? How much do I give away, can I afford to ship my vespa home, will it pass a California smog test, should I bring it to Colorado? what I do I do with my coffee maker and TV? God, do I even want to come back? Is this permanent, am I really going back? Do I have to go to LA? Really? Fuck man, I want to go to Colorado, New York, some small tropical island, sure as shit not fucking LA…

The Russian just went to bed. Thank god. I miss Penelope. The Russian talks too much.

I told her today she has to move out earlier than expected. And I told the other girl that was going to be my new roommate not to bother, I was leaving for an indefinite amount of time. She wants to rent my vespa “while I’m gone”

What does that mean, while I’m gone? Do I really want to leave?

I guess I do. It’s just. I like it here so much, and what about my job? I mean, yea it’s not enough money, but I really really like it. I love reading scripts and talking about movies all day for a living. Too bad it’s not A LIVING. That’s the whole problem isn’t it. It’s not enough money it’s just fun. I like acquisitions and development. Maybe I haven’t pushed myself hard enough. Maybe I could have gotten more out of this time…

But what more? Wasn’t this whole time in Rome about NOT pushing myself for once, wasn’t it about resting and finding stillness, and letting my ego rest? Didn’t I do that? Why am I freaking out?

I am kinda. Freaking out.

I don’t think I want to go back to LA. I don’t think I want to turn 30 and move in with my parents a week later. I don’t think I want to go out and watch all the people I love slowly drink themselves to death. I don’t think I want that mediocre life of mine back in LA…

I think I’m just feeling whiny. I think I am just pre menstrual. I think I’m tired and don’t want to have to take a sleeping pill to sleep again tonight. (fucking jet lag… it’s been like 6 days….)

I don’t know. I’m tired, and Pete is snoring for gods sakes.

Maybe I should leave early. Maybe I shouldn’t leave at all.

WHAT A STRANGE LITTLE LIFE I HAVE.

2005-09-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

So I am back in Rome.

Got in the other day, and it was really like coming back to real life. I guess I really do live here now.

My vacuum cleaner is broken. I have bills to pay, I need to resign my lease, I start work on Monday. Back to life. Yuck.

Not that this life is all that bad at all.

Got a new roommate. She’s a Russian. Her name is Julia. She lived in Russia for her first 11 years and then in Santa Cruz. Just my luck, a Russian surfer chick. She's ok- not spectacular, (she aint no Penelope) but I think she's gonna be fine. She seems nice enough, and whatever- you know?

Anyway.

It's kinda weird to be back. Now that I know I am leaving, in December, and probably not coming back for a while- I feel weird.

I really don’t want to tell my friends. It took me so long to get them to open up, and now I’m just gonna bail on them? Shit. I mean, sure I can come back and visit… but I feel like a traitor. Like by planning to leave I am breaking some sacred ex-pat code.

This is of course a bit melodramatic… but I do feel this way somewhat…

Anyway- tonight is Notte Bianca. I was here for this last year. Amazing that I am starting to write about things a year later, and still in Rome. Actually come to think of it, I’ve been blogging for over a year, oh and yes, I’ve also been in Rome for a year now (not consecutively of course) but I first came here over a year ago.

What a strange little life I have.

This is from a blog I wrote almost exactly a year ago today:

“I want to be here- I like this life- I want to get paid to write and live in Rome. I want to learn to speak Italian and I want to be an ex pat. I want to be away from all the things that I hate in America- I want to learn to appreciate America again.
I want to live in Rome. And take weekend trips to sienna and Tuscany and I don’t know- everywhere. I want to do it.
I can- I mean- I think I can.
What the fuck? For so long I have come up with excuses- not to act, not to direct, not to do any of the things I want to do- no more.
I want to change my life.
And I’m the only one that can do that.”

That’s the great part about blogging- you can always go back and look thru. I mean I have really come full circle from that. For one thing I live in Rome, I have gone to Tuscany and I am learning to speak Italian and I am an ex-pat… and dare I say it, I have even begun to appreciate America again. (gasp!)

But more than that I have taken the reigns of my life and owned them, taken responsibility for them. And it’s pretty fucking cool. I wish I could stay in rome, but financially it just isn’t happening here.

So I guess that means Its time to come home.

A few more months and then it’s me and lil ol America…. It’s gonna be good. But these days, it’s always good. In fact it’s been this good for over a year now… wow.

HAPPY DAYS

2005-09-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Whoa. What a couple of week. I swear I feel like life couldn’t get any better.

I sometimes wonder why I get to be so lucky. Why me? How is it possible? Not a day has passed in literally months when I don’t pause and realize, I FEEL HAPPY.

Really Really happy.

It’s magnificent. Everything I ever wanted, I have, I need for nothing. I am so blessed with friends and it feels so good.

Being back in the States has been pretty wild.

The wedding was a blast. I mean, top 5 weddings of my life, really fun, really rowdy, really crazy. The ceremony was beautiful… just about every relative I have came up to me afterwards and told me it was lovely, and wanted to know if I had a parish or what. HA!

The late night crowd was in full effect. I will say only this. I have trashed some hotel rooms in my life, but this one takes the cake. It was a proud moment for derelicts everywhere.

The day after the wedding was one of the best days of my life. Me and my family, and the rowdy kids from the night before, my grandpa and his brothers family all in my Aunt’s backyard lighting fireworks in the daytime, eating pizza, hanging out, laughing- god the laughing… haven’t laughed that hard since the last time I was around the people I loved the most in the world… felt so good.

Then I went to the Cape. 5 days in a gorgeous house on the beach with my mom, my aunt, Nikki and Damaris. Holy fucking great. We went to the beach, we did jig saw puzzles (including the hardest one Nikky or I have ever bothered to complete.,) we read, and ate Lobster, we played mini golf… it was amazing. Then my dad and Uncle showed up… It was just SO FUCKING GOOD.

And all the while New Orleans continued to drown.

There is nowhere like the states to make me feel so entirely, whatever this feeling is. Guilty, ashamed, confused, HELPLESS? Man I hate this government.

Being here, I’ve been thinking a lot about coming home for the next year.

I think I am going to be in LA for the winter (YIKES) to work for the man and make some money, and then be in Colorado next spring and summer and maybe even NYC next fall? I don’t know. But I want to be with my god sons more than anything else in the world, and I ache for the country… so I think I am going to give myself the gift of the babies in Colorado next spring. Me, mud-pies and mountains. Happy Days.

But I have to say I have serious reservations about being a part of this country again. I mean, part of me has never left, but do I really want to be paying taxes to a president who makes his vacation in the middle of a war a priority over the single greatest natural disaster in this country’s history? I’m just not sure that’s a corporation I want to support…

I’ve loved being so far away. But I miss my real friends. Being around Damaris is like remembering how to breathe again. I’m just better when she’s around. I miss that, you know?

Anyway. To quote Lloyd Dobbler I “Can’t figure it all out right now sir. Just kinda hanging with your daughter.”

But for now I am in NYC. Been staying with Vicki, spent a wonderful afternoon with Brent yesterday, went to Justin Dragonas’s birthday party, saw a real movie IN A THEATER… New York is fun.

I love this town. And I kinda wanna come here for a few months so I can see my friends for more than just an afternoon a lunch or a drink. It would be nice to actually spend some time with these people. (to have time to see my most secret loyal reader, you know who you are…)

I don’t know.

I do think my new career is to be around the people I love as much as possible. It may not be the most financially responsible thing I have ever done, but at least I’ll be happy.

And man, right now I am. I am just so fucking happy.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. But, what a lucky girl I am…

KNEE DEEP IN THE HOOPLA

2005-09-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

So here I am… in Crazy-ass New Jersey. I swear to god New Jersey is like a different country. It’s like a twisted subculture the likes of which gods not seen. And my Aunts house is the zeitgeist. Ground Zero. New Jersey-ites are the strangest people on earth (think Sopranos except more white trash) … It’s all a bit much.

I think I thought- “oh I’m going back to the states- I’m going home.”

I AM DEFINITELY NOT HOME.

Holy fucking shit.

But all that being said, I’m having a pretty good time. It’s fun to be here in the land of the insane. My cousin is getting married in a few hours, and I am performing the ceremony.

I guess I’m ready. I mean, I’m kinda nervous- it’s a pretty big wedding, and it’s my entire family on my moms side. Yikes.

Remember Sixteen Candles? The house the morning of the wedding- that’s us, literally. There are 9 of us at my aunts house, sharing one bathroom, 6 cars, 2 cats, 2 dogs and several hangovers… It’s ridiculous. My uncle smoking ciggarettes and making bacon, Carter and TJ building a sculpture out of lawn furniture wasted at 4 in the morning...( they actually TP'd the backyard) it's beyond beyond.

Meanwhile- New Orleans is underwater, families are displaced, people are being raped, shit is being looted, water moccasins are rocking out with floating coffins- the levee is down and the end of the world is upon us…. And there’s Bush, looking like an asshole and thinking about golf and oil. What a dick.

Anyway.

I gotta go- I have a wedding to perform. Andiamo.

FOR THE RECORD

2005-08-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

I guess I've not been very clear, especially if Megan and Amy are confused... you two are like my most loyal readers... so for the record:

I am in the states for two weeks. I am not going to LA. I arrived in NJ yesterday and I will be here till Monday when I go to the Cape with my family for a week's holiday. I am here in Jersey because my cousin Bryna (mom's side, TJ's sister for those keeping count). The wedding is Saturday, I am the minister (gulp, getting nervous now that I am here, can't say a word about being nervous...because, ah, it's NOT ABOUT ME...)

Will be going to NYC tomorrow thur for the day, and going to see Em and Justin, Vix, maybe meggo? Then will be back in the city on Sunday for the same thing... then after the cape next weekend-ish coming back to the city till I leave on Tuesday the 14th. Have to be back in Rome the 15th because I have a new rommate moving in...

THE RUSSIAN. We don't know much about her, american russian, doing her Masters in Rome...seems nice on the phone. Hope she's cool. Scary right? Anyway.Stay tuned bacause the cold world stops: At Via Panisperna 189- Roma.

So there it is, for your voyeuristic viewing pleasure.

Fun times.

IT’S 6 AM

2005-08-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

It’s 6:17am and I am on my way to the airport. I was awoken just 5 minutes before my alarm clock went off to the phone. Miss Zoë Foster calling to say, that Emily and Justin Henry had a baby girl tonight (for you, last night for me).

We don’t have the name yet, but we do now the baby is healthy at a whopping 8 pounds 15 ounces, slightly induced, and slightly epidurilized…. But here and happy and god damn it.

So happy for them. So happy I get to go meet the newest family member, because by nightfall I will be in the tri-state-area…

Feeling a little strange- going off to America in a few hours. Jesus. Excited too.

Going to a wedding this weekend, I mean uh, DOING the wedding this weekend, and having some time down at the cape, and get to see Emily’s baby, and see my new found gay friend (go M!) and you know, fun times.

AHHHHHHHHHH. My fucking digital camera broke today… it was the drop that finally killed it.

I’m devastated. I’ve grown so so used to it… feel very sad. But at least I will be in the states the next time I go to sleep. I might just say fuck it and buy a new one. (what else are credit cards for????)

I already miss my cats, and I absolutely already miss my friends and miss my Rome….

Shit.

My friend Julie got married yesterday (Monday I know… weird, here too)… but it was SO MUCH FUN. And a lovely send off if I may say so selfishly.

It’s now 6:23 and the city is waking up, scooters starting, buses driving, metal doors rising…. Noises I will miss. Just not at this hour.

Seems like things ARE changing. At least, today they are.

I CAN’T HELP IT

2005-08-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

I am filled with an overwhelming feeling like all good things must end.

I hate this feeling.

I am one of those people who are both blessed and cursed with a hyper aware sense of perception. Which means, when I am in the thick of a moment I become aware of it… this has been a gift and a curse in many ways. Often it has given me pause in a hectic splendid time to reflect, smile and be grateful for my present surroundings… but all the while appreciating that they are indeed temporary… and this time, in my life, will, at some point, end.

Because noting truly great lasts.

Not living with Vicki, not collage, not Shoni, not Miles, not 1450 with Emily and Jocelyn, not poker with Hugo, Brendan and Emily, not the days of Big Al and the ‘back to one’ crew… nothing. It all fades, it all passes… everything grows up.

And so shall I.

…One day.

I am overwhelmed with that feeling today.

Finally I am comfortable here, and with that casual happy, comes the inevitable impending sense that this too shall pass.

Most days I smile, and am grateful that I have been so tuned in, to learn to appreciate such moments as they progress, but today I feel melancholy, and a little premature longing for what I have at present.

Which is a sure fire sign.

That things, are about to change.

BACK IN THE SADDLE

2005-08-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

Holy shit the rain. It has been raining so hard here its wild! It’s fucking cold too. I had to get a blanket on the bed, and last night I even got a heated cat bed out for Sally… I’m talking chilly. It’s weird, isn’t it August? July was so unbearable hot, and August has been such fucking awesome weather… who knew? August was supposed to be terrible, not so far! (knock on wood…)

Does anyone remember about a month ago I asked about cold bed for the cats? Well, my friend Kate responded with an answer. It’s called “the Chillow” and it is exactly what I was looking for, a pillow (designed for humans but works for cats) that you fill with water, and it radiates cool. It’s AWESOME. Course it arrived today when I just got the heated cat bed out… but none the less, it’s should be great. I’m sure September will be hot and unpleasant, so they will be life savers.

Oh and get this, don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet, but my tenants are moving out of my apartment in LA this month. And (for those of you that I went to high school with) your never gonna believe who is moving in… Perrin Elisha.

For those of you that that means nothing to (which is probably every single one of you), I went to high school with Perrin and literally haven’t seen her since. And I get this email from her last month, am moving to la, heard you have and apt building…etc. The NEXT day my tenants tell me they are moving out. Fucking timing. SO Perrin and her man are moving into my apartment. Pretty great. Cuz it could have been a wee bit complicated finding a new tenant from Italy… but these things have a way of sorting themselves out don’t they?

And in other TOTALLY FUCKING FANTASTIC news. My parents, being the real estate genius’s that they are sold the house in Colorado, BUT BUT BUT they found a small Victorian right in town that they are ACTUALLY trading houses with, plus being paid the extra. It’s like the worlds greatest deal ever. So. Even though I will never get to go back to my childhood home in Emma, by next month we will have a new Home in Colorado, and now that that is a fact… I may very well have to move there next spring and be with my god sons. I am feeling the need to be near my boys.

I spoke to Shoni the other day and she put Aizean on the phone (FYI my 2 year old god son) who said. “Bye.” His twin brother wasn’t’ quiet up to the challenge, but I almost dropped dead right there on the phone. And that’s when I realized my god sons are growing up and I AM MISSING IT. And that sucks. And I don’t want to. So, as much as I want to be in Italy, I might very well want to be near them more. And now that there is a home on the horizon, I might very well be able to.

Ahhh. It’s all very exciting.

What else. Can’t believe I will be in New Jersey in like, a week. That’s scary. Fucking Jersey.

Anyway. Jersey, than the cape, and lots of friends. Gonna be great.

As for now, I am going to paint a sketch I did this afternoon, and then perhaps down to the pub to see some friends, and I’ve rented a few movies and It will be a snuggle up this evening.

I feel like I’m retired. It’s awesome.

Also I posted about a fucking thousands photos for your viewing pleasure:

Venice
Lucca/ Cinque Terra
More Cinque Terra
And Cortona…

Enjoy.

C

LITERALLY

2005-08-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Without being too melodramatic, my Italian vacation was just about the best week of my life.

I went to Lucca, wound up in Cinque Terra, and then spent two of the most glorious days in Cortona.

If it didn’t before, Italy really really has a hold of my heart now. I love this country so deeply, it’s kinda absurd.

I started off in Lucca, a small town near Florence. I took the train and arrived mid day. Roberto and Caroline were already there, and the three of us had gotten a hotel together. We had a wander for most of the after noon, Lucca is a small town and the original walls are still perfectly intact… it was amazing. We had a fine time. Realizing one day together was entirely not enough they hijacked me and drove me up north with them to Cinque Terra. Cinque Terra means literally, 5 lands, and it is on the coast up by, say the mid thigh/ upper knee of the Italian Boot. It is the bottom of the Italian Riviera… The area, Cinque Terra, is a collection of 5 towns that were fishing villages, they are essentially unreachable by car, and so you can walk in or take a train.

Cinque Terra is so obscenely beautiful, it was kinda hard to deal with… I mean, good fuck how the hell is anything that magical? So the three of wandered around, ate amazing food, drank Camparies by the sea and white wine by night…

The next morning Roberto and Caroline opted to head north, and I went south. I again, took the train, but not before having a swim in the sea (naked). Holy fucking calming surreal amazing.

It actually kinda spooked me how calm and the level of stillness and quiet I achieved… It was massive. And I realized all these months in Rome had been leading up to that morning in the sea, on my back, eyes closed, alone and silent. Floating there in the sea… totally calm. I had achieved all I had ever been looking for. And from now on is a clean slate.

It was pretty powerful.

So after one of those mornings that changes your life forever, I got on the train and headed down to Cortona.

Cortona is most recently famous for being the town featured in “Under the Tuscan Sun.” Aside from the obvious annoying connotations, Cortona is one of the most breathtaking places I have ever been. I had a deep and powerful connection to that place, and I have a feeling that, in my life, at some point I will live there.

It too was massively powerful.

I stayed with Lisabette and her husband Jamie- who are my dear friend Dede and Missy Brinkman niece/ cousin respectively. I had met them once about 9 years ago at Missy’s wedding, I completely didn’t remember them, but the three of us hit it off so big. They are both retired, living in Italy, ex-pat, cat lover, time wasters. The three of us were three peas in a pod, I’ll tell you what.

First of all, their apartment is so fucking amazing- it’s huge and comfortable and has the worlds best view, and just so happened to be perched directly above the town’s main piazza. (Imagine living above times square, without the noise, people, lights, crime, dirt, violence, Americanisms or ugliness… then, it’s kinda like that except a 500 times smaller and without all the neon).

It was such a fun fun two days. I wanted to stay so much longer, but I am such a sucker, I missed my cats and wanted to come home to snuggle them…. So I ended up leaving on a high note, with an unconditional invitation to return…

But Cortona gave me something I had been missing from my Italian Experience, and that was nature. I went on long walks, and we went out and picked wild black berries, and had a picnic in the woods… and the whole thing made me remember that despite all my efforts, I remain a country girl at heart.

The other thing it reminded me was, how much I enjoy drawing and painting. I hadn’t been doing much of that recently, and since I was in Cortona I can’t seem to stop sketching fucking everything I see. It’s very satisfying.

So I got home to Rome on Sat night, and it’s been kinda cold and rainy since I got home. Which is perfect. Because me and the cats have been snuggling overtime… My roommate is moving out in 2 weeks and so she and I spent the entire day in the house yesterday and made a huge Italian feast for dinner… complete with cake! Yum yum yum!

So it’s good to be home… but we’ll see. I may need to move to Cortona. That town, fucking amazing.

It was a great great great week.

VACATION

2005-08-14T04:52:00.000-07:00

As if living in Italy isn’t a holiday enough, I am giving myself a real live vacation next week.

My dear friend Roberto Schaffer and his awesome wife Caroline are in Italy for August- and as I will be in the states when they are in Rome, we have decided to meet up in Tuscany.

Don’t have exact plans yet, but I booked us hotel rooms in an awesome little hotel (I found in this bitchen book of B and B’s in Italy that Gracy gave me). The hotel is in Lucca for Tuesday night. So I will take the train up to Lucca (just 30 min from Florence on Tuesday meet up with Roberto and Caroline for the night- don’t know about Wednesday night yet- maybe Pisa? Siena? Maybe somewhere wonderful and coastal? Maybe Montifillanco where there is supposedly the “best restaurant in Italy” “LA CHUISA” (or so says everyone whom I trust who has traveled this country extensively…- I’d LOVE to go…) then Thursday and Friday I will be in Cortona staying at Lisabette Brinkman’s. She is a cousin (?) I think, of my old old friend Missy Brinkman… so it is like family. I met her and her husband years ago at missy’s wedding, (not that I remember that, but they remember me, course… I had blue hair- kinda hard to forget blue hair…)and anyway, they invited me up, and so fuck it I’m gonna take them up on the offer.

After that I don’t know… come back? Maybe see Siena that day.. don’t know. But I speak good enough Italian now to wander safely. I don’t have too much money to spend, but I have this gift of time off, and I REALLY want to explore this country. It’s ridiculous that I have been here this long and have been out of Rome so little.

I am really excited.

On a side note, Friday night was a fucking blast. Me and my little crew actually played truth or dare… holy fucking funny. The thing about that game is, it doesn’t matter where you are from.. a dare is a dare in any language. We had an Irish boy kiss a Sicilian, an English girl get in a dumpster, and a French dude sing the American national anthem… it was solid stupid fun.

Starting to laugh more. Starting to drop the guard and actually laugh. Starting to really really enjoy and trust my friends.

Good times in Rome. Good times.

TO MEGAN AND WANNA

2005-08-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

You have to check out this guys web site. He's is a computer animator from UCLA, and his shit is great... make sure to check out the interactive features... totally bitching.

You don't have to be Megan or Wanna to go, I just think you two will like it.

Check it out.

OH DEAR.

2005-08-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

Should anyone want a good hardy laugh. Have a look at first comment on the most recent post.

Three words. Laugh out Loud.

Perfect, subtle, ironic, delicious.

God bless America.

UNTITLED THOUGHT

2005-08-10T10:23:00.001-07:00

They say your not suppose to drink water while you eat. They say it’s “bad for you.” Did you know that? I didn’t. I just found this out. Every time I tell someone they say, “yea, I’ve known that forever.” As if it were as common knowledge as sugar makes you hyper.

Well I didn’t know. And what’s worse is I DO IT. A lot. I mean, I am a big water drinker at meals… I’m a fill ‘er up a few times ever go round.

So now, anytime I sit down to eat and I plow thru my requisite 3 or 4 glasses of water, instead of feeling refreshed and quenched, as I have been, for, oh say, the past 30 years. I now feel something that I refuse to associate with food. GUILT.

As if there aren’t enough rules revolving around eating and food as it is. Don’t eat fat, don’t eat sugar, don’t eat carbs, don’t eat after 7pm, don’t overeat, don’t eat too much of one thing, eat a certain percentage of grains, proteins, fats and carbs at every meal, count your calories, and the latest addition: Don’t drink water with meals.

What the fuck? Just wondering, is there any other way we can strip any shred of enjoyment from the consumption process?

I mean, we need food to survive. It’s something we HAVE TO do every day of our life, EVERYDAY. Why have we turned it into such a deeply regulated event, devoid of any pleasure or spontaneity? How many times have you heard someone say after eating a cookie or piece of cake, “that was so bad” or “god I’m gonna pay for that later”… when did eating what makes us happy become such a source of guilt and self disapproval?

The two other things that we have to do every day is sleep and shit. Right? And are there already enough rules in those departments, why must food join these two? Are we capably of allowing nothing in our daily routine to give us happiness? Why must we make every thing so restricted, so stringent, so sterile? Why can’t we just relax?

Sleep needs quiet, dark, soft, warm, alone, together…ect. It’s a pretty specifically formulated daily event. And who hasn’t wanted to sleep in, take a nap, get to bed early, stay in bed late more often? Sleeping has become an indulgence, instead of a right. A luxury instead of a basic necessity. We are forced to deprive ourselves of sleep to maintain productiveness. “But don’t wear yourself out.” What is the first thing they are you when you start to feel sick? “Have you been getting enough sleep? Tsk Tsk, you’ve got to take care of yourself.” As if you should know better. How dare you. To sleep all day is to be a lazy bum. To try and keep up is run yourself ragged. It’s an impossible position. And the result is guilt.

And shitting. Don’t even get me started. Talk about rules. God damn there are actual laws against defecating in public. Hell you can’t even piss in public. And holy hell the guilt the surrounds the toilet. Think I’m wrong? Ask yourself why you lock yourself in a closet several times a day. I mean, when was the last time farted loudly in a business meeting? Can you imagine letting one rip and smiling with pride in front of your boss? “Ah a fart, what a celebration to be the animal that is a human!” yea, I don’t think so.

It’s amazing the capability humans have to be ashamed of that which makes us what we are.

And within that, the desire to better out current status. I suppose that’s were dieting comes from. Not so much to be the best you can be, but really just to be better than you already are. Dieting fulfills a need to feel like WE ARE WORKING ON THE SITUATION. As long as I’m aspiring to achieve perfection, I can forgive my current inadequacies. For now, because I have stripped the fun out of eating, and given up hours of my week in a gym, I can feel better because I am working on it, and only now can I tolerate the fact, that I, am only human.

Now then. What can be said for people who don’t diet? People who ignore the innate desire to improve their current status. Do we assume that hey are guiltless? Is that possible? Do they feel that they’re perfect and need no improvement? I think we can pretty much insure that with the crippling prejudices against fat people these days, that that is most likely not the case. Or, do we assume that in fact that are so bogged down with guilt and self loathing that they have simply surrendered to their imperfections and now survive only to indulge them? I don’t pose to know the answer to that question. I think it’s differs person to person, obviously.

Either way, the fact remains that to eat what you want is against the rules. To sleep in is not aloud, and to squat and pee when you are about to burst is simply gross.

We just don’t want to admit what we are. We want to pretend it’s not true. So we idolize these highly manicured and manufactured images of celebrities. People who are nowhere near the perfect creatures we pretend they are. No matter how much she diets, waxes, plucks, jogs, has entire PR teams primp and protect her, and spin her image… the fact remains that when (insert name of your favorite celebrity here) wakes up in the morning, she has bad breath, she needs more sleep, and her shit DOES stink.

My favorite part about it, is that WE KNOW ALL OF THIS. But, it’s akin to jealousy. We can rationalize all we want, and talk about it till we are blue in the face, but we can’t change THE WAY WE FEEL.

Guilt over being human is brutal. And it crosses nationalities and cultural boundaries. It’s human. It’s not animal, it’s human. Dogs shit on the street and look you right in the eye while they do it. They have no shame, no guilt.

It brings me back to the water with my meals. Humans are 96% water. How can water be bad for us? It’s part of who we are. And yet, why do I suddenly feel like an outlaw when I sip my San Pellegrino with lunch? Why do I feel like I am about to be scolded, or worse that I am silently scolding myself?

Perhaps the next time I order, I should just ask the waiter to bring another glass of water, and this time hold the side of guilt.

DUDE, BINGO

2005-08-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve had a pretty good couple of days. I am officially off work, and it’s like a whole new world. So awesome.

I have two days left of Italian class, and it is so much fun. It’s very satisfying to go back to class and to remember everything else I’ve already learned.. as it turns out I actually might be able to one day speak this language.

As you may or may not know, Italians take the month of August off. They all just close up their shops and grocery stores, and businesses and gas stations, and go out of town for the month. It’s pretty amazing. I mean, can you imagine LA closing down for an afternoon? Never. But Rome is dead. I mean dead, and every day it empties out more. All the coffee shops are closed, most restaurants are closed, LUCKILY my grocery store is remaining open (thank god) but book stores are closing, clothing stores, all boutiques… it’s amazing. Now, that being said a certain amount of really touristy things stay open.. it isn’t worth it for them to close, but in general the city gets really quiet.

And fuck man, it’s nice here. The streets are empty. Driving is bliss! This week a lot of construction has started, they use this opportunity to repair a lot of roads and such… but there is parking everywhere, and the sidewalks are empty... it’s just really nice. Course the bummer is all my local restaurants are closed, no pizza, no kabobs, no ice cream, no sandwiches…. But McDonalds is open… woo-hoo.

Speaking of American food, last night me and a few friends went to the Hard Rock Café. Holy shit it was AWESOME. I hadn’t been so excited to see a plate of nachos in my entire life. Fiona, Zoe and I ate them so fast we actually ordered a second plate. HA! We were three girls who had been without cheddar cheese for far too long, and it was time to fix that. Hard Rock has an excellent happy hour, wicked cheap, but I must be getting old, because it is really fucking loud in there, and it reminded me of the hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. The only hard rock I have been to in years.

It was funny, going to the Hard Rock, it made me remember that there was a time when one of my life ambitions was to see all the Hard Rock Café’s in the world. I realize now that was about the travel, and less about the T-shirts… but it brought me back to a time, when the most valuable thing was my hard rock t-shirts… good grief.

Another highlight in the last few days was this weekend when me and a crew of brits when to a roman bingo hall. Pretty much your standard scene out of a kubrick nightmare… it was a really creepy room with enormously high ceilings, a whole smoking section… the walls were primary yellow with burgundy trim, and a whole wall of ENORMOUS industrial piping, somewhat decoratively painted shinny matching burgundy. The room was completely silent save the pre recorded voice of a woman in Italian calling out the numbers.

Quindici.
Due
Venti quatro.

All exactly the same, save the number sesanta sete. For some reason this one was recorded by another woman, and after several rounds every time the number came up, our table erupted with laughter.

It was a pretty fun night, mostly because they kept asking us to be quiet, and this just made us laugh harder. It was like being in church, except you could smoke. We kept ordering round after round of drinks, and not fucking one of us won bingo… it think the fucker was rigged against us. At one point I won. I mean, I totally got bingo, so I yelled out with all my might BINGO!!! Oh man it was awesome, my entire table cheered, everyone gave us dirty looks (a funny thing happens to a group of foreigners who have been in a country so long, and been consistently sneered at by locals… you begin to learn how to sneer back…)

Anyway, mother fuckers came back to me to tell me I in fact had not won bingo, I had mistakenly marked off a number. I was so deflated, heartbroken really. But I decided not to make a big deal and let it go. As the night wore on I got more and more convinced that I should have asked to see the proof. I got robbed man,… I felt like the guy from Dazed and Confused who gets more and more pissed off after getting shoved at the party (Came here to do two things, drink beer, and kick some ass, looks like I’m almost outta beer)… that was me, all brooding hours later…

HA! I didn’t really care. It was still fun as hell. We returned the fuck you by stealing a trophy. Which later was stolen from us by a group of male American tourists… at a bar in the center… ahh how the world goes round.

All in all things are moving along just fine for me.

Let me put it this way, I have taken a nap 3 days in a row, and that, if nothing else, is worth writing home about.

SOLDI SOLDI

2005-08-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

I hate shopping.

I always have.

I am one of those shoppers that always puts it off until I absolutely have to go… you know, I wait until I am down to a few ragged pair of underwear, and I finally breakdown and say fuck it, and go to the Gap Body. I walk in, throw 10 of the exact same size and color on the counter and run for my life.

My mother is the only person I shop with. She is probably the only person in the last 5 years I have tried clothes on in front of. She makes shopping easier for me. She’s fast, has good taste and often pays for things. Somehow it’s not as bad with her.

But lets face it, it’s always pretty bad. Especially because, number one: I don’t have a lot of money to buy whatever I want, and number two: I don’t have a body shape or size that stores tend to favor. So shopping sucks. I can’t fit into anything, and when I do I can’t afford it.

Shopping is evil.

Ok. So I am performing a wedding next month in New Jersey. (for those of you that don't know I am an ordained Minister and my cousin has asked me to perform her wedding, which will be my third). So I have this wedding and I don’t know what I’m going to wear… and normal, it’s like fuck it, I don’t give a shit, recycle clothes, no worried, everyone is looking at the bride anyway. But see, IM THE FUCKING REVEREND., it’s not like I am going to just blend in and be anonymous. I’m pretty sure I will get noticed.. I’d say there is a pretty good chance at least everyone at the wedding will be staring in my general direction for about 10 minutes during the ceremony. Shit

So I have a skirt I can use, and I am totally gonna wear the stand by comfort heals,… that just leaves the shirt. It’s all about the top, which is easier for me than bottoms, so that much is good I guess.

Here’s the rub.

IM IN ROME.

If I thought shopping in the US was bad… holy fuck,.

Stores in Rome are like Beverly Hills on Meth. All the clothes are size fuck you, and so are the prices. I mean SERIOUSLY. And the women working are so mean it’s amazing… really amazing. I’m not intimidated very easily, but I went into a store today and oh my god, I thought they were going to call Interpol on me or something… how dare a person like me DARE to shop in their store…

And now that my Italian is better I can now understand, that no, I’m not being paranoid, they really are talking about me. AWESOME.

God damn I hate shopping. I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. Unfortunately I neither have a very wealth sugar daddy or an ass you could crack a walnut on, so it was kind or a sham in the end for me.

There are only 2 reasons I have any clothes at all. One: my mother. Two: I know where to go at home for what I want when I need it. So when I absolutely have to I can do the old in/out move and get said desired items.

Ahhhhh. SO now we have come to the crux of my problem.

I need something, and I don’t know where to go to find it which means, sadly enough.. I will be forced to…BROWSE.

Is there nothing worse than this? I think not. Wandering for hours looking at one store after another filled with my insecurities and loathing,

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I wouldn’t give for the familiar comforts of the fancy department at Banana Republic right now.

PAGE 80

2005-08-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Weather I like it or not, I have to admit that I have always imagined that my life is a movie. That somewhere someone is watching, laughing, crying, pulling for me. Interested.

I guess it means that in this confusing ass seemingly meaningless life… there is a point, a happy ending. And even further towards the painful admission… I think it’s a romantic comedy I’m living. I mean as far as I can tell… this ain’t to period epic, definitely not a western… and up until now there has been no conspiracy theories that have forced me to jump off buildings to risk my life for the betterment, and survival of the world.

Ok. So that being said, I think I hit the scene tonight where, despite our hero’s every effort to be disgruntled, angry, lonely and bitter… she suddenly turns around and without realizing it, catches herself being totally happy,

There I was, in my kitchen, in my bra, shitty jean shorts, high heels still on from work and an apron. Cooking eggplant parmesan (something I have PERFECTED here in Italy)… singing out loud, top of my lungs, music blaring, dancing around my kitchen, sweating PROFUSELY.

And actually, if anyone was watching, if anyone was looking in I would look like a bonafied asshole.

But the thing is, it’s sincere in this moment. Happy, hot, sweating, pleased, drinking cold wine.. looking like Shaq with the amount of sweat on my forehead. I mean COME ON.

And then, all the sudden, all alone I start laughing… and that’s when I realize…

Oh my god, I’m having a Molly Ringwald moment….

Awesome.

It really IS a movie… ummm has anyone seen Loydd Dobbler?

LIVING IN ITALY

2005-07-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

My day starts slow. Double cappuccino. Rarely breakfast. Sit with the cats. It’s hot already- so I shut the shutters- because the morning sun is poring in and making my room hot.

I usually have a script or two to read. Depending on the heat, or my mood, or whatever- sometimes I’ll stay at home, lounge on the bed with the cats, or sometimes I’ll go out and read. Sometimes I go to villa borghese or villa pamphili. Some times I read at a pub or café.. but not usually in the morning hours. Often I stay at home. Read for 3 or 4 hours. Sometimes I write, look things up in the internet, email… draw.

I never have anywhere to be until 4 pm. So my days are my own… sprinkled with errands, reading… whatever. I spend almost everyday by myself.

At 3:45 I go to work. I ride my baby blue Vespa, Luigi to and from the office. I work behind the villa borghese. Sometimes I like to cut thru the park on my way. It’s illegal to ride a scooter thru there- taxi’s only. But it’s so beautiful, and it always smells so pretty, and people are just happier in a park. Some days I risk it.

Driving to and from work are the highlight of my day. When I am riding Luigi I am complete anonymous. There is no way to tell I am un staneri. (Foreigner). I look, drive and speed like a local. I swerve and jab- zoom thru traffic. Barely stop at lights- NEVER put my feet on the ground… it is bliss.

Work is a funny place. There are 4 people in the office. Christina- the woman I see most. I work in her office- the receptionist room. I help her answer the phone when she is on it, I open the door for people… she is Roman, and now that I work there- her English is fucking good. She is the first Italian woman under 35 who has been nice to me. And I like her a lot. Most days at work I write my coverage’s from the scripts I have read… sometimes I read in the office. Christina leaves me alone when I read, I don’t have to answer the phone or talk to her, I put my ipod on and see how fast I can get thru a script. She’s been timing me. I’m getting faster.

Faruk is my boss. He is Turkish and really nice. He is funny, handsome, charming, smart, and has excellent taste. (and really amazing art in his office- including an original Monet, two Warhol’s, a Chagall and a sketch from the school of Michelangelo…it’s intense). Then there is Massimo- still can’t figure out what he does. And Teng. Teng is Chinese, and as far as I have gathered, Faruk and him are old friends, and Faruk just lets him use the office for his fashion business in Hong Kong.

I don’t have to go to the office if I don’t want- but I enjoy it, plus it gives some structure to my day.

This will be my last week of work for a while- we are closed most of August. I have decided to go back to Italian school. So it won’t really be like I am off. I am just exchanging one daily project with another.

At 8 pm I get off work. I’m usually hungry. Sometimes I go home a cook something, Sometimes I treat myself and eat out. Sometimes I pick something little up and go down to Finnegan’s, my local pub and see if I know anyone in there. I almost always do. The thing about an ex-pat small nit English speaking community in a foreign city- is you tend to stick together. This bar is our living room, it is where we watch TV, and listen to music together. It is where we play pool and laugh.

A few months ago I didn’t understand the pub thing. I went there and got drunk. Didn’t realize yet that the alcohol is a total secondary thing at the pub. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that it’s there- but it is hardly the root cause of why we, and I go there. At least, not anymore.

I pull up on my Vespa, and there is a group sitting out front. Zoe and Suzie yell in unison “Yeaaaa, Chase!!!” They make me feel nice. They like me. And finally, after 7 months I’ve realized, I like them too. They are great. Then we sit around and tell some crap story. Talk about some bullshit or another. It’s the same core crew, give or take a few. People come thru all the time… transients, temps. Giles is here just for 6 weeks. He works for the Canadian embassy. He is smart and funny. And I get to talk international politics with him. Hugh was here for 3 months. He’s gone now. Hannah has left too, so has Damaris. Suzie and Tony are moving to Sardinia. But not for a year. There is always a feeling of the temporary here. We are always aware that this ride is short, and everyday we just try to stay on for as long as we can. None of us are from this place, but this is where we have chosen to be. And we all just hope that no one will show up, and make us go home.

Sometimes I hang out for a while, sometimes I just pop in. When I go home. I have to read a script. But I don’t do it right away. I sit in my room, look out the window. Smoke a cigarette and let the sky cross my mind.

Pete is sleeping on the floor by the closet. Sally is asleep on the chair. It’s cooled down a bit – but it’s still hot. Finally it’s gotten quite. The occasional scooter goes by under my window, the building shakes slightly.

Maybe I’ll take a look at that script. Who’s in it? Nah. I think I’ll just go to bed. I’ll have plenty of time to read in the morning.

CUPLA THINGS

2005-07-30T03:21:00.000-07:00

So TJ my cousin came to town- totally surprised me. Just showed up for like 36 hours. It was really awesome. We had so much fun- amazingly my job just happen to give me Friday off (“we have decided to take a half day tomorrow, so you don’t have to come in..”) Awesome. I Love Italy… half days everyday!

So TJ I ate a bunch, rented him a scooter, walked a lot, sweat our asses off, got very drunk and rowdy- stayed out all night on Thursday… it was fun.

He left as quickly as he arrived- pretty classic TJ, but we laughed a lot. I love that kid. He’s a smart funny bastard.

Today I am taking my scripts and going to the pool. I have to read, but I need to be in the water, I can’t take another day of this kind of heat. So I am gonna jump in my suit and go to the pool in a few minutes.

Oh and great news, did any one hear about the terrorist they found in Rome riding a bus? Totally sweet. Really pleased about that.

Fuck.- I know it’s a big tourist town but how bout this- if you want to kill us your not invited. Is that cool?

Anyway- people are a little spooked around here. Little too close to home you know?

Ok fuck this- I have really bad cramps and I’m hot as a motherfucker. So I am going to the pool. Ciao box.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S HOT

2005-07-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

I mean hot. I mean like unrelenting oppressively unbearably hot. And with no a/c at home- there is never a time that the heat stops.

Without getting too melodramatic, I’ve quite simply never been this hot this many days in a row. Today was probably 110 degrees- maybe 105 I don’t know. The fans blow hot air, I lye around with ice on my head and take cold showers. I have maybe brief relief… but nothing that lasts. I just never stop sweating.

It’s one thing to be hot- it’s quite another to be this hot for this long. I almost don’t want to say it out loud, but I’m worried about Pete. He’s so hot… I can just tell he’s miserable. I put ice in his water, cool him down with wet towels, put ice in the sink and then put him in it…

But it’s just hot all the time. Even at night. I made the mistake of being outside in the world between 12 and 2pm today- went to lunch. The restaurant had ac so there was a brief glorious respite, but the wall of heat that I walked into after leaving the restaurant… I thought I was standing in front of an ac unit outside… it was like that hot, that intense.

Fuck man.

Let me put it this way- my eyeliner is melted. And it’s been sitting in my bathroom… does that give you an idea of what I am talking about here. I mean. It’s fucking hot.

I hate the hot. Almost as much as I hate the cold. I miss LA weather. Too bad it’s in LA. Fuck.

It's nikkys birthday! Happy birthday girly.

WEATHER

2005-07-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

It’s so hot here, that today, as I was sitting directly in front of my fan, which was blowing hot air at me… I actually had to reach back behind the fan and check whether or not the heater behind the fan had been turned on accidentally. It hadn’t. It was just really that hot.

Fucking hell. Makes me miss god old temperate LA.

SPLURGE

2005-07-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

I cannot tell you how, after months and months of living without a TV and DVD player- the amazing sense of self I was returned to after I walked into the video rental place and rented two movies. This might be sad to say- but I felt almost human again. It’s just, after 10 years of working in the film biz not being able to rent a fucking movie and veg out was starting to take it’s toll.

Consider that when I lived in LA I had every electronic gizmo known to man. 2 TV’s, tivo, a phone line, a fax line, a fax machine, a cell phone, a computer, an ipod, a palm pilot, an airport, caller id, (fucking hell in my two bed room apt I had FIVE phones… )shit, I had the thing that makes the ipod work in the car… even the fancy car to boot. I mean my shit was consumerized… all the way.

And for the past several months I was feeling so liberated from all of it. From all the fucking cables, And all the energy consumed, and all the bills that went along with them… Just all of it. But after the novelty wore off- it feels good to have a TV. And granted it’s only a 14-incher, and has DVD connected to it… but it’s just about the fucking best TV I’ve ever had!

And so I guess that got my appetite up- so yesterday I went out and bought myself something else I’ve been needing awfully bad. (not an electronic…) But a big pot and two frying pans! Oh man. What bliss it is to cook in proper cooking ware. So simple. So happy.

I guess sometimes you just have to strip down to basics to realize how lucky we are to have the simplest of things.

And then sometimes you have to reward yourself with a few meager purchases to remind you that- you are in fact, an American, after all is said and done.

I know I have 3 scripts to read for work tomorrow (yea, that’s 600 pages) but fucking hell, I might just have to put in a movie first!

UPDATE

2005-07-22T02:22:00.000-07:00

So Max left. He had a whole bunch of shit come up that he had to deal with, so he’s gone back to the states… seems like it’s for an indefinite amount of time. Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t give notice on my apartment right?

So it’s too bad that he’s gone- but I will survive. He wasn’t really here long enough for me to get used to him here.

So that’s that. Once again it’ just little old Chase out here in the big Italian unknown all by here self. Awesome!

MEDIA WORLD

2005-07-21T04:57:00.000-07:00

So after just the most infuriating week ever, where by it took 2 days to get a repair guy to come look at the broken fridge, he simply stated- “this fridge is broken. It is not worth it to repair it you should buy a new one”.

No shit.

So after an absurd amount of phone calls back and forth with the landlord and the agency guy… I just told them this morning- fuck this, I was going to the store to buy a new fridge and I would deduct all costs from my rent.

So I took a taxi to Media World (italy’s version of best buy or circuit city) and I bought another fan for the kitchen, a top of the line new fridge and fuck it while I was there I got a tv and dvd player! HA!

And the best part is I told the taxi driver to wait while I shopped.

So all I had to do was get the shit, and jump right back in the cab.

So the fridge is being delivered tomorrow- and hopefully tomorrow this time I will be drinking a nice cold beverage in the comfort of my own home.

It’s been a pretty tough week to not have ice or cold beer in the fridge- I mean, with this heat wave and all…

Sometimes you have to take the situation into your own hands. I’m only kicking myself I didn’t do this on Monday…

Beyond that- the TV has presented a furniture dilemma in the room- I had to sacrifice a precious chair to hold the sucker up, and move my desk… and well now the whole balance is off… I’m gonna have to figure it out. This may call for a complete switch around of the room… I’ll let you know. But right now it’s too hot to think about that shit- and I’ve got the new Billy Bob Thorton script to read.

Ciao box.

C

BUT IT'S LIKE, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?

2005-07-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

Fucking real life.

Woke up to a total Monday Morning. Seems like if you live somewhere long enough reality is bound to catch up with you.

First of all my refrigerator crapped out. Just fucking died. Spoiling all of my food, and dripping water from the ice box all over the floor. Arg. That (related or not, I have no idea) may or may have not inspired a large group of Italian Ants from the wall by the front door to decide to migrate over to the cat food. I have never seen an ant in this apartment before… but this morning there were tons. But I remembered having seen ant spray under the sink (never a good sign)- and in fact it was there. So I sprayed the little fuckers source hole from here to kingdom come… and we’ll see if I can’t hold ‘em at the gate as it were… For now- all cat food is in a bowl of water. And I would say no food left out, but being that my fridge doesn’t work… “out” is sort a relative term this morning.

Fucking a. And it’s only 9:15.

Shit. The only thing on my side is that I am suppose to meet my landlord today to pay the rent. Looks like I’m not paying till I get a new refrigerator… ha.

Will keep you posted.

ON THE MEND

2005-07-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

Got home on Friday night to a cold. I had been fighting it off all the while I was in Venice but it really took hold Friday night and so I went to bed at about 11pm and slept clear thru till 1pm yesterday. Spent the ENTIRE day in bed and read, slept and watched movies… it was good- because today I feel much better. Thank you mom for sending those medicines once upon a time. They came in awfully handy this weekend.

It is hot here. I mean like really really really hot. Sitting still in the shade with a fan on you and still sweating. The thermometer reads 84 in the shade, but it feels hotter than that. My poor cats. I have been putting ice in their water and wiping them down with a cool cloth... but the poor fuckers are hot and lethargic. Pete spends almost all the time on the sink where the porcelain is cool.

Question- has anyone ever seen an invention of tiles or something like a cat bed that keeps it’s cool? I mean, I have a heating bed- is there such a thing as a cooling bed? I would buy it in an instant if there were such a thing. One for the cats and one for me…

Any way it’s Sunday, and it feels like it.

I woke up feeling much better, an just cleaned the house from top to bottom, am doing laundry, and this afternoon am going to hang out with some friends…

Hope all is well on the home front.

Xoxo

C

VENETIAN DECADENCE

2005-07-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a couple of days.

Venice is absolutely breathtaking. I had only been there once before, and that was for about 10 hours, and at night… so this trip was a real treat.

We stayed in a one two three four FIVE star hotel. What a difference that 5th star makes. Our room was a suite and it was really fucking nice. Big ol tub, and a view over the Grande Canal, a balcony… holy mother of god. Let me put it this way, Elton John was staying at our hotel the same time as us…. Capice?

So we indulged in the fanciness of the hotel, and we ate one two three four twelve amazing meals. I mean, course after course of just amazing ridiculous you can’t imagine delicious.

And then we went and looked at art. The whole reason for the trip was to see the biennale. Which is a exhibition of art from all over the world. It happens every two years and it is up from June to November. There are museums all over the city that participate, so to really see it all would take days… but we saw the two large museums, and a few small ones. And then on Friday, Max and Gracy left at noon, and being that I didn’t fly out until 4ish- I stayed in the city and cruised around alone, and saw a few more shows.

Highlights include a chandelier made of tampons (picture coming), an amazing Australian artist named Ricky Swallow, and the Lucian Freud retrospective.

It’s been a long time since I was so decadent and indulged, good food, good art, and great company.

It was a real treat.

It was really nice to see Gracy and Max and Clair and Pam… but I have to say the real highlight of the trip was Friday morning zipping around alone. And that really has nothing to do with them, but just reinforces my suspicions that I am just far better off alone. It made me ponder just how much time I spend alone in general… it’s really pretty incredible.

Some people are just built to share their lives with another person, take my parents for example: the have been married for over 35 years, they work together, they spend their days off together, they take trips together, and if that isn’t enough they even do their errands together. They are a TEAM. It’s so nice. I don’t think I could ever do that. I just like to say later, and take the fuck off alone. I go to sleep alone, wake up alone, eat alone, read alone, write alone, sing alone, dance alone, hell, sometimes I even drink alone. I just like to be by myself. Which is odd, because I am actually one of the most social people I know… humm.

Anyway, fucking hell, sorry, clearly not a complete thought… perhaps I should think things thru before writing…

Anyhow, Venice was really marvelous. I will post pictures in the next day or two...

Wouldn’t have gone without the kindness of Gracy and Max. So a public thank you to my very generous friends…

It was a blast.

Oh and by the way, I am not going to Sardinia the weekend… didn't have anyone to watch the cats. So I came home. Got to be a responsible mommy!

I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS

2005-07-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

But I was sent this article by my friend Melissa, And I just had to repost it.

This is how I repond to all of you who would ask... so why aren't you dating a hot italian stud yet?
As reported by Yahoo News - June 24th 2005

ITALIANS 'BRIBE' SONS TO STAY HOME INTO THIER 30'S

ROME (Reuters) - More than 80 percent of Italian men aged between 18 and 30 still live with their parents and a new study says it is because they are "bribed" by mum and dad.

The study found high rent and unemployment might also be among the reasons for so many mamma's boys. However, mostly they stay at home because they are spoilt by doting parents.

"Parents will be willing to trade off some of their consumption to 'bribe' those children who remain at home by offering them higher consumption in exchange for their presence at home," economists who conducted the study said.

The researchers at the University of London and University of California, Berkeley, found that a 10-percent increase in parental income resulted in a 10-percent rise in the proportion of sons living with their parents.

That means if the parents get a pay rise, the grown-up children get to spend the cash, giving them an incentive to stay at home.

The study found that 82 percent of 18- to 30-year-old men in Italy still lived with their parents, compared with 43 percent in the United States. The proportion in France, Britain and Germany was between 45 and 53 percent.

The study, entitled "Why do most young Italian men live with their parents?", was published by the London-based Centre for Economic Policy Research.

HAVING A HANKERING

2005-07-11T02:18:00.000-07:00

Been thinking a lot the last few days about Italy vs. Rome. I think I might be ready to live in a different part of the country. I was thinking of spending the fall in the country. Perhaps somewhere a bit more remote, a bit less expensive. And a bit less touristy. Perhaps Tuscany, the Amafi coast, Sardingnia… I don’t know.

I am going to Venice this week for a few days, and I was thinking maybe instead of flying back on Friday as planed, maybe I will take the train back, and take my time, stopping in Pisa, or Lucca or something.

I bet for the same price I pay for my apartment in the center of Rome I could get a fine old place in the middle of nowhere. Where I could write read, and sit with my cats out doors.

I think my main pull is the language, Seems a fucking shame that I have been here for as many months as I have and I still cant speak the fucking language. It’s a joke really. It’s just that my life in Rome consists of English and Irish friends, English speakers at work, reading in English for work, American and other English speaking tourists around every corner…. The truth is, I actually kind of KNOW how to speak, I just don’t get a chance to practice.

And despite what you might have heard, Italians are in fact NOT the friendliest people in the world (or is it just Romans?)… but to make Italian friends, is simply not as easy as it would seem.

At least not for me.

And at least not in this city.

(that being said, I have just recently really taken it to the next level with my Brit friends… I am feeling much more comfortable with them and the crazy chase is starting to surface… and they are starting to understand and enjoy it… it’s kinda great)…

So I don’t know, But I think it’s time to do some exploring.

I know Rome quite well now, and I actually could stay a lot longer. But I’d like to live somewhere a bit cheaper, so I could keep this engine running a bit longer. So who knows.

Perhaps I wont go anywhere. Perhaps I will.

Either way, as most things in my life now, all doors are open, everything is a possibility, and I am ready to accommodate all ideas.

TO MOM AND DAD

2005-07-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

As many of you know- or at least those of you who know me well- I’m not a huge fan of taking showers. I mean, I like to be clean, it’s just that with long hair it is such a fuck process. Wash, condition, brush, dry, straighten…urg.

Anyway, there have been more than a few occasions when I would let it go (ahem) quite some time- since I would have last showered. I mean not a long time, like a week-ish or so…

Anyway. My parents hate this about me- when last discussed over dinner when I was home, I believe my father called me “a child, who refuses to grow up” and said something about “picking battles” that are “totally full of shit.”

And. he is right of course, I mean, he’s right about most things concerning me. Even though I don’t give a shit, and, being too lazy to shower is hardly what I would call “picking a battle”, what can I say… what the hell.

Anyway- mom and dad, wanted to let you know that Rome provides me with the kind of environment that is so fucking hot most days, that I ABSOLUTELY IRREFUTABLY HAVE to shower EACH AND EVER DAY. Sometimes twice.

It’s really a fucking hassle. And I hate it. I so clean these I squeak. But… you gotta do what you gotta do. And I thought, you might appreciate knowing.

ITALY IN THE SUMMER

2005-07-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

So summer no matter where you live still feels the same. Warm, relaxing, bbq’s days by the pool, the beach. God damn.

Been socializing a lot, getting to know these people I call my friends better and better. And really enjoying Rome in the summer. Spent yesterday by the pool. (Rome hosted the Olympics in 1960, and the remaining Olympic sized pool is totally awesome) So me and my friend Suzie and her fiancé Tony spent the day just sitting around getting sun and swimming and drinking beer and totally having a blast.

I am so bloody tan I fear I am going to look like luggage by the end of the summer, (and I was wearing 45 all day…fucking hot). Actually the heat has cooled down substantially. It’s really not so bad. When I first got back it was brutal, but now it’s kinda fine

Roman Law requires all swimmers to wear a swimming cap while in a public pool. It’s pretty crap if you ask me, especially since every time you dive in the fucking thing comes off. I have a few excellent photos of me in my awesome new swimming cap. Fucking hell. It was just so nice to spend the day lounging with friends, BY A POOL. I swear everything is right in the world when your by a pool.

Even when it’s not. What a bunch of cunts (sorry mom) those fuckers are that bombed London. Fucking wankers. All this madness has of course been making me think about 9/11 and how nuts that was. Did anyone see Ron Livingston’s speech? That dude rules. I guess not ALL politicians are assholes. (And apparently it IS possible to make a speech without reading- ahem, Bush….) I was really impressed by him. It was just so nice to here a politician speak wisely and earnestly and kick a little ass while he did it. Totally awesome.

What else. Shit I don’t know. I thought of things to write all day, and no that I’m here I can’t think of shit. Bullocks.

I am totally starting to swear like a brit. Fucking Suzie. She’s rubbing off on me.

Anyway. Tired as hell. Off to bed.

UNTITLED

2005-07-06T02:18:00.000-07:00

The steady calmness of nothing much to do most of time is returning to me. It took a few days, much shorter than last time. It comes on slow, and then it is as if I, just, sort of, tumble… into a sort of self induced laziness. I am not fighting it this time. When I first arrived all those months ago- this life style seemed frivolous and indulgent. Now I understand it is crucial to living a long life. After a few hard months of beating the worker bee mentality out of me, I have come to view these mornings of rest and reading and writing as a delicious treat, that should be savored and enjoyed.

I suppose somewhere deep down I still feel as though all of this is merely an indulgence, a calm before the proverbial storm. My whole life I was taught that there was some importance, even a responsibility to live up to ambition, desire, success. Here in this sleepy Italian city, the world rushes around me and I feel calm, still like a pin standing on end- perfectly balanced. But precarious none the less. Like the slightest pull of temptation- tales of spoils, riches, exotic nights- they could pull me back down to a busy life…

Here I am living the good life, one I have neither earned nor deserve. Still with debt, and running on a financial reserve that doesn’t exist I am seeing how long I can make this odyssey last. Fueled by lazy mornings and hot sticky afternoons in some silly feng-shued office in a fancy part of town talking about movies and waxing knowledgeable. These days are precious. These days are few.

But they are here, and so am I.

IN ALL OF MY THOUGHTS

2005-07-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would be welcomed home like I have been. What a surprise. What a delightful fucking surprise.

BACK IN BLACK

2005-07-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

So now I am in Rome, it's so awesome to be back, really chill, easy, wild really. Like I just fit right back in. Max is here now, and I think that is gonna be amazing. It’s just so nice to have an old old friend around- and for GOOD! Ha. So awesome. He brought so many DVD’s with him- it’s truly thrilling. We are getting him a bike this week, and gonna get him a temp apt (he is in a hotel right now)… but he is gonna be traveling around a bit, so we probably won't get a place together until September. Which is perfect, because there will be a lot more available then, and that is when my lease is up anyway. So I am thrilled.

Everything just feels as it should right now. What s feeling. I can’t tell you.

Speaking of Max, he surprised me with what he is calling "a belated birthday present"- he is taking me to Venice and Sardinia for 5 days in July. We are meeting his mom and sister (Claire) in Venice for some big Art show thing, and then we are going (maybe) to stay at our friend Melanie's place in Sardinia for the weekend.

I'm sorry- HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT???? When did I become a jet setter? I am totally excited. I can't fucking WAIT to go to Venice. It's gonna rock.

So right after that I will come back and start my second round of Italian classes. Which is a good thing, because I can’t remember jack shit for Italian. I ran into my friend Massimo last night, who I only speak Italian with… and it was brutal, he was like- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I just couldn’t talk… it took so much brain power, but then, even after just a few minutes talking to him, I was better after that- I just haven’t THOUGHT about Italian in so long. Bahhhh.

It's hot like a mother fucker here. Really hot. Like- can't be out in the day around 1-2pm. I am going out to buy a fan today, as the AC in apartment in fact- does not work. Shit. It stays pretty cool in my apartment- but not cool enough you know?

The cats were fine in my absence it seems. They seem just dandy. When it's really hot they just both lye completely sprawled on the floor cuz it is kinda cool. I have to fashion some kind of cooling bed apparatus for them... ever heard of anything like that? Like a heating pad but cold? I carried home about 20 lbs of cat food for them, and holy shit was it worth it- they were so happy to eat it, it was cute. Gobble gobble. Love those little fuckers.

I had an interesting insight about my friends when I got back. I felt for a while before I left that I wasn't so sure how much I trusted all my new friends, and I think I felt somehow suspicious of them and them of me... in a way that I couldn't put my finger on...

but when I got back everyone was so genuinely happy to see me, and my phone starting ringing "I heard your back!!! I missed you" and what I realized was this: This little transient ex-pat community is in fact, just that. Transient. And people come and go so quickly and easily- the people here have become so hardened, because it sucks to become friends with someone and then they leave 6 months later. It's like- hi, how long are you here for? 2 months, fuck off then, can't be bothered. And I think when I came back it was like, Chase, she DOES live here, we can count on here, we can become her friend... you know? I just hadn't though of it like that before. Which made me feel better. Because I thought it was about me for a while. And now I realize it's nothing to do with me personally. It was interesting. And I already feel closer with a few of them. I also decided that the people that I'm not really friends with can go fuck themselves. I am not going to try anymore. Some of them like me, and some don't. I haven't a clue why I was trying so hard before. Maybe it's helps that Max is here, and I feel like- well I have a REAL friend here now, I don't NEED you, like I felt like I needed them before.

Anyway- it’s fucking great to be back. Start work on Monday- kinda excited to get back into- time to renegotiate, want to do a lot more there, really get to work, so hopefully that shit will work out.

I will, of course keep you posted.

Xoxo

C

1:26AM: IN BED. CAN'T SLEEP

2005-06-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

My mind is racing. Leaving to go back to Rome tomorrow- having lunch AND breakfast tomorrow all before 1pm, will be in Rome the next time I go to bed, can’t wait to see the cats, thinking about my vespa, and my apartment and the new heat that has descended on the eternal city in my absence, thinking about friends, trying to think in Italian… I think I remember some, want to go back to school, want to make more friends, Max is going to live there now… wow. A real friend. A real live, on the level, old school, real deal FRIEND. In Rome… wow. It’s going to be different this time. Can’t wait. This time I go to Rome with a job, an apartment, friends to see, a vespa.. A LIFE. What a trip. I am excited. I feel alive. And nervous, and anxious, and relaxed… and just… AWAKE.

I can’t sleep.

NYC was great. Had a complete whirlwind- Vicki, TJ, grandpa, the Carter Family, friends in the village, echo’s in Grand Central, rain in Central park, hot dogs with kraut and mustard. What a town.

I gotta say I love this fucking city. I f there is any town for me in America right now it’s probably this one….

Who fucking knows anymore.

Had a really good time in the States. But it’s time to jump the puddle.

At least my flight is direct tomorrow.

Holy shit. I just checked my dashboard widget. It’s 71 degrees (F) at 6 am in Rome. That’s FUCKING HOT.

This is gonna get intense.

What can I say. Stay tuned.

UNTITLED

2005-06-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

So I am once again on the east coast preparing to jump the puddle….

Leaving LA was decidedly weird. I really just kind of snuck out the back door, didn’t throw a party, didn’t call people to say goodbye, just kind hung close to home and then ran like hell to get out of there.

I went out with some friends on my “last Friday night in LA” and I left at midnight. Two beers, a lot of yawns later, I think I was bored. I don’t know what was happening. I think I just had my fill. The job was done, my was quota full, I was ready to go home now.

I think a part of me wished I had wanted to stay, would have been easier that way. Miss LA, decide to come home, I mean, It IS where my friends and family are… but, I’m just done there. At least for now. But I am really excited to be here in NYC, so I will hang out for a few days see some very special special friends, and then it is back to Roma…

Yee fucking haw.

Ps: fuck the spurs. (except you Horry, ok and Genobli, you two I am happy for…But the rest of Texas can fuck right off- sorry Price)

UPSHOT

2005-06-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

Thank god at least I am still in the states to watch the NBA finals.

That really worked out.

LA VS. ROMA

2005-06-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

So I am leaving LA in a few days and I am starting to have all the requisite pangs of sadness and shit. It’s definitely easier on round two-I mean, this time I know where I am heading to and what to expect. I already have an apartment and a vespa, and a job, So it’s a lot less stressful this time. I thought I might not be sad at all- but, as it turns out, I am a little bit.

There so many pros and cons of each of these cities that I live in… and I do feel like I live in both. BOTH feel like home… can’t help it. I mean, for fuck sakes the weather in LA. Holy shit- IT REALLY IS BLISS. Right now it’s like 95 degrees and humid as hell in Rome and its 75 and breezy in LA. I mean, its ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GORGEOUS here…fuck man. While the rest of the world melts or freezes, LA shines on, delicious and lovely as ever. It gives you a feeling that you are somehow better than the rest of the world… like we get something right here.

Course I have that feeling in Rome too. Like we get something the rest of the world doesn’t. Because the food is better there, and the art is better and the sun somehow shines brighter there. I mean, don’t get me wrong, when I drove to work at 6am this morning Downtown LA was really beautiful all lit up by the sunrise.

There really is no difference in the WAY the light hits the buildings, it’s just that the building are so much fucking cooler in Rome.

But you know, LA has things like Sav-on all night pharmacy, and my dentist, and movies round the clock in ENGLISH, but Rome has Luigi my vespa, and people don’t talk about dieting all day. LA has my family and my friends, Rome is filled with strangers and people who don’t like Americans. LA is filled with Actors and aspiring filmmakers who only talk about themselves..

LA is filled with this group of people who are still spinning out the same party having the same conversation… the only thing different is their outfits. And even those are pretty interchangeable. I don’t have any REAL friends in Rome. All my friends are in LA (and NYC… ok, shit and Aspen…) And while all those people in LA are artists, they all feel so UNINSPIRED.

And I finally feel inspired in Rome.

But I don’t know by what.

Having time to be back and get a little perspective on my time in Rome. I have no idea what I am doing there. But I guess that’s fair- it has only been a few months. It’s not like I had it all figures out 5 months into LA. Or did I?

Come to think of it- 5 months into LA I had a car, and apartment, a job, a boyfriend, a cat ,a and a film. Kinda DID have it all figured out. But I was 21 and so ambitious and unjaded by life… now it’s like- fuck man- 29 and over it all.

Hmmmm.

The only thing I know. I mean really know- is that I have my two cats.
And THEY are my home. And right now they are in Rome. And so, that is where I’m headed.

"HOME"

2005-06-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

ok-

So the fact that it has been about 100 years since I have blogged speaks volumes about my old life I think.

First of all, I have been working so much I can hardly deal. Unlike Rome where I spend about 2 to 3 hours DAILY writing, sitting, thinking, finding stillness, I hardly sit down to form a complete thought here in LA. And, truthfully, what’s the point of writing home when I am already here…

The good news is that I am working… I got an awesome string of jobs- so far I have worked on a Budweiser spot, a Nickelodeon promo, an MTV thing and next I do a Suzuki spot. The whole thing will take me thru the 24th of the month. Figure I stay a day or two after, do errands, then I’ll be in NYC from the 27th to the 30th. And then, finally, I will get to go home to Rome. Just in time for the heat, And I go back to work on the Monday, the 4th of July. Fuck.

It’s good to be home, weird, but good. It’s just weird because it feels so normal.

I’ve been super busy, when I am not working I am all over the place, staying at friends house, seeing people, going to shows, going out big time. Went down to San Diego for a night to see Zoë Foster run the marathon. Holy shit, she had never done it before and she ran the fucker in 4 hours 29 minutes... (which is really fucking fast by the way) It was amazing, and totally inspiring. She really kicked ass, it was fun times.

I finally went to this place the Olympic spa here in LA, which is an all ladies Korean spa that just fucking rocks.

And there have been lots of parties, and dinners and TV. Watched a fair amount of TV have to admit… and you know. It’s like life as usual here. My phone rings off the hook (it’s exhausting), I am over worked and over paid, and making time for happy hour with my brother and dinner with Mimi and Santi, and Chinese take out with Damaris…

It’s awesome. But hell man, I feel like I’ve stayed too long. I'm not going to want to say goodbye all over again. I am used to it again. I wanted to come home for two weeks, but because there is all this work, it’s like, fuck man just do it and now I am going to be here a month. Which is fine… but I miss Rome.

I miss Luigi my Vespa, I really miss my cats, and I miss the monuments. I miss the cobblestone, and lemoncello, and pints with expats. I miss driving around and looking at the coliseum. Traffic in LA sucks. At least traffic in Rome you have cool shit to look at…

But it’s fun to work again. Gotten a lot of work and it’s fun to do it. I had forgotten that I am good at it, and I like my job.

Anyway. Like I said not a whole lot to write home about, especially since I am already here. Or well, am I?

Is this what it means to be bi-continental? Everytime I find myself somewhere I wish I was in back in the other place? It's confusing. Seriously.

But it’s fun times. And that’s all I can ask for.

LUXURY

2005-05-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

Man, talk about rags to riches.

My parents have a really nice house. Showers you can turn around in, hot water you can control, TV!! More than one TV, airports for internet, fancy soap in the tray, food in the fridge, garage door clickers… just so much stuff that I have gotten used to life without and it’s wild to be so immersed back into it.

I mean last night I took a bath in a room that is bigger than my bathroom AND kitchen combined….

It’s nice. I can see why I lived here for so long, TV with 500 channels, phone lines, fax machines, Jacuzzi tubs… I get it, I remember. It’s… it’s nice. It is.

It’s making me feel wired. Like I want it all again. But I don’t really…

I mean, yesterday I worked for the first time and I am fucking beat now… I forgot how HARD I worked for the last 10 years, I mean no wonder I moved to Italy to slow down. Don’t get me wrong, the craft service table was awesome, and the free lunch was great… but fuck man, MY BODY HURTS today. Film is really hard work.

But the other thing that happened is that I watched my two friends on a break, one sat down and paid $1500 in bills, and the other pulled out a super fancy new 35mm camera.

There is such a web of making money and spending it and needing and desiring and wanting and have to have new stuff, and car payments, and make a lot and spend a lot… AND FUCKING A. It’s just exhausting.

I guess I feel silly, I lived in this city for 10 years, and in this country for 29 years… I’ve only been gone 4 months… so why then, is this all SO weird? Truth is, I don’t know why, it just kinda is…

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am going over to Carters house for the last 4 episodes of the OC today with Damaris and then Jamie is throwing a party in my honor tonight. It’s memorial day weekend, as true and American holiday as they come… so I am gonna try not to bug out too hard, hang with my friends and make some money.

Tutti Va bene as they say…

ONMAWAY

2005-05-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

it’s 10:30 and I am going to bed- I have a brutal day of travel ahead of me. Have to get up at 4am. Rome to Frankfurt. Frankfurt to Chicago, then Chicago to LA. Get into LA at 7pm… that’s like, 4am Italy time… blarg. It’s a solid 24 hours of travel. Dio Mio. Fucking hell it’ gonna suck. But I have dollars and euros, so no matter what airport I’m in, I can always get a drink…

I’m beside myself, so excited to see everyone.

See you there.

C