KINDA AWESOME

So I have news.... first thing is that I rented my spare room in my apt as of April 1st for a month- and it might be longer but we thought we'd start with a month in case she bugs... She, is 27, from Australia- worked as a publisist for a Aussie TV station in Sydney- decided to say fuck it- and moved to Bolonga 6 months ago... she just moved to Rome...and for better or worse will be my roomate as of april fools day. Good lord. I am really happy- she is super cool, and it relieves some of the pressure to know there is going to be help with the rent....

The other news is: I had my first full blown converstaion with an Italian man today. It was mind boggleingly awesome. I think I am still glowing from it. I was TOTALLY speaking Italian. When I told him I had only been in school for 2 weeks- he said, no you mean two months... and I was like, no- two WEEKS. He was impressed. I, was, endlessly pleased with myself.

And so- I am feeling very fancy pants right now- so I am going to get myself a big cocktail and continue to think I'm the shit...(at least for a little while longer yet...)

One more thing... having a little crash on my vespa has made me a much better driver, far more cautious, but also somehow more confident.... it's as if I've taken a blow and now the street and I are somehow simpatico... I don't know.

Oh shit and one more thing!! Mimi and Santiago you big fucking gaggle of awesomeness!!! I got a fucking postcard with a piture of ma-mees on it today. I CANNOT EXPLAIN the sheer joy I felt to one, recieve mail, and two, to have it be a personal letter- card whatever. So a public WHAT UP YOU FUCKING ROCK...to mameems and mymans. Well done- I love REAL mail. ahhh. (just for the record I got a package from the fams this week... but that came to the store, and not to the mailbox...this was my 1st piece of mail IN the mailbox..... it was huge...)

Anyway.

god, I'm so fucking perky. Jesus.

love to you all.

c

UNTITLED

Still not convinced this is reality...I mean- getting up every day jumping on my scooter and zooming by the colosseum, the forum, the piazza venezia, and the campo di fiore on my way to school- HOW IS THIS ALL REAL? I said that I need to get a job- and it’s true, I think it might reinforce the reality of this situation.

It's finally getting warmer here- and it's like a whole new city. It has been 9 years since I lived in a place that had seasons, and I had forgotten how nice it is to appreciate the approach of spring... each day a little warmer- each day one less piece of clothing. AHHHH.

Pete and Sally (my cats) are great- I think they miss their yard- but then so do I. They have their windows they sit on, and their tiny balcony they turn their nose up at. But the apt is a decent size and so we are comfortable. They have their heated pads, their pillows, and Pete has my cashmere sweaters.... and we have each other. And amazingly- the three of us have discovered- that is all we really need. As long as when it gets dark, and nighttime comes- we can get in bed- Pete at my head Sally at my knees... the three of us are fine. It's like a reset button every night. We can take anything as long as we stay together,. Such a team us 3.

Meeting an Australian girl who might be interested in renting my spare room tomorrow. Nervous- don't want a roommate. Unfortunately I can no longer afford the luxury of living alone. Not in the center in this apartment anyway- and I just don't want to live far away- away from everything I love about Rome.

Carter sent me 4 episodes of the OC- 2 of which I had seen- but I watched them anyway. It was SO WIERD to watch the commercials, and the coming attractions for things like American Idol, and Family Guy.. and all this weird American crap I haven't thought of in ages.

It was pretty weird watching it, and then once it was over turning off my computer and being like- fuck- I'm still in Italy, I forgot for a minute. It was super weird....

So my daily schedule is like this: I get up early- write, sweep (an everyday must in this apt) make coffee, shower, do homework blah blah... then I run down to the internet point to check email, read news ect. Then I spend about 2 hours working on the job hunt... resumes, faxing, calling, whatever.... class is from 2 to 6. Then I usually come home, eat. Maybe go out with a friend, maybe go to my local pub, maybe hang with Alejandro, sometimes go to a movie- whenever there is one in VO ("version Origionale").... don't have a TV- so I have discovered these marvelous things- don't know if you heard of them- they're called "books" They're amazing. It's true, I stared reading, whatever I can get my hands on- it's awesome. So I don't really miss TV anymore (which is probably why it was so weird to watch it last night...)

And so it's pretty easy- I found my grocery store, and my butcher, the place to buy flowers and wine, and I'm finding the good shitty pubs, the swanky places... found the best restaurant in Rome... doing really well. But now I have no money anymore... so it's like fuck. Now I know where to go, I just cant' go there.

But it's good for me to be poor. I've spent so long appreciating everything around me- friends, family, the car, the house, the life.... never realized I should be grateful for the money.... hah.

I cook a lot at home, and I am loosing weight. The ingredients are so much better here- it makes me seem like I am a much better cook than I am. My kitchen is small, but sufficient. I don't have a lot of things, and it's so funny how I have learned to improvise to make do. Need a vase for flowers? Use an old tin can... need a cup for salt? Use an espresso cup... I made eggplant parmesan the other night and I COULD NOT find bread-crumbs at the store. So I bought bruchetta and put my clogs on and stomped it down into crumbs. It fucking worked... hilarious. I don't have bowls. No bowls... who knew cereal could be so good out of a sauce pan.... I just can't bring myself to buy all new shit- I ALREADY OWN A KITCHEN FULL OF SHIT IN THE STATES... I don't know. (But I will buy bowls... I need those). The cappuccino machine was a total necessity though. Really awesome. Having a small fridge and a scooter that can only carry so many groceries at a time means I have to shop often- and it makes me feel like I am very much in the moment.

And I have a washer machine... no dryer. It too is small so the loads are small and frequent- and I line dry my clothes- which makes them stiff and full of lint. But I don't really care... it's all fine. (tough with the cat hair though...)

I like it in Rome. I know I keep writing these long drawn out love stories about Rome- and for that I apologize- must be getting boring… but life is good here…

One last thing today- about a month ago ya’ll had the Grammies- and I just wanted to give a public shout out to my cousin TJ who fucking won a Grammy for his work on the latest Wilco album. TJ is an exceedingly talented and humble little man- but I am very proud of him- and give major props to a 28 year old who already has a fucking Grammy on his shelf. Well done T.

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN

Wow- what a weekend.

There is so much to tell…It’s almost impossible to tell all- must surmise.

-The girl I sat next to on the airplane flying from Philadelphia to Rome- who was awesome- came to visit me this weekend. Don’t know her from Adam- sometimes instinct is right. She is a wonderful woman- smart, interesting amazing. She is 26 and a doctor doing work in Palermo, Sicily- went to Brown and RISD. Good person. Good conversation. Good time. Had a blast with her- REALLY FUN.

-Got taken into a home on Sunday morning and made breakfast for. Andre Ankenbrandt from CRMS told me I HAD to look this woman up- finally after a month we got together. She made the most extravagant brunch- and the three of us (Sandy- girl from plane came with) had THE MOST wonderful time. Talking, sharing ideas…really lovely. Adored her. So kind, smart, successful… cat owner, great.

-Italian Drag queens in a gay dance club. Unbelievable…. Beyond Rangoon.

- Walking in Rome. Finally warm this weekend- so I parked the Vespa for the weekend and explored by foot- so different. Legs are sore I walked so much. Love Rome on foot. LOVE IT.

-My new friend from Germany- Oliver. SO SO SMART. Adorable, sweet, kind, dear. Leaving in 3 weeks- fuck. I like having a new friend… especially one who has something to say. Not all the people I have met here are rocket scientists… many of them ex-pats who have run away from their life to be in a bubble… Oliver is different. I like talking with him- he has a brain, he makes me use mine. (However- sorry ladies, he’s gay)

-Things going SO WELL with boy- settling into being a girlfriend- it’s actually kind of fun. I had forgotten.

-Haven’t worked in a month. Don’t miss work- miss money. Finally used my coordinating skills and made a budget for myself. MUST FIND JOB. Financial stress- turning into tangible fear. Shit. Why couldn’t I have been born a Trump?

-ITALIAN CLASS ITALIAN CLASS ITALIAN CLASS. Love my teachers, love going to school, love to learn, love to FINALLY be able to speak (even if it’s only a little- right now) learning so much with each day- exhilarating. Happiness is talking to people in Italian.

-Found good cat food, found good kitty litter. Happy cats = happy chase.

-Discovering new jewels and gems around every corner. “The discovery of Rome is like the discovery of sex. Magnificent” -L Jenkins. Truer words never spoken.

-The first time I came to Rome I ate in the best meal of my life. Never forgot it. Last Friday I decided to spend the afternoon searching for it. Found it!!!!!!! Went on Saturday night. Memory served. Unbelievable. Cheap, exquisite. My favorite restaurant ever. Wow.

-Dad had a birthday. Missed it. Felt strange. Made a video for him- if you want to download it you can by going here. It’s me in my house… goofy, but whatever.

-Social life booming. Many new friends, many things to do, places to go, people to see. Travel makes us more open by nature. I am as wide open as I have ever been. Wonderful. But I do miss my “real friends”… like people here- ache for my lifers.

-All in all doing well- very well. Love this city, love myself here. Lov-in-ah.

- Happiness is a warm gun…. Or at least a warm bowl of Rome.

STIRRED

On one hand I am searching- on the other hand I've found it... well, perhaps not totally, but in part.

In truth I feel very much at home in this city. And it feels very right for me. But I am poor for the first time in my life, and that makes me scared. I suppose I can always go home- so I am never without a certain security- but the financial freedom my career afforded me was so wonderful (and I can honestly say- NOT taken for granted- so I am glad I was awake and smelling the roses for the past few years...). But now I am in a city that has basically NYC prices, but where you make (I don't know where, but somewhere real poor, Memphis perhaps?) wages.

And the gap between what you make and what you spend is so wide... it's bewildering how people do it.

I think we as humans adapt to our surroundings- America is a real gung ho place...everyone is driven, everyone is ambitious. In my case my drive and ambition drove me right the fuck out of the country....

Someone told me once (when I was in my teens) that the most interesting people he had ever met changed their life at 30. Maybe that has been in the back of my mind this whole time- I don't know...

But I gave up a really lucrative career- and I don't have a fucking clue what for?

I stay genuinely optimistic... and I guess, for the first time in my life, I am discovering faith. Not religious faith- but faith in life- that everything will work out, that whether it is meant to be, or fate or whatever.... but that everything is OK. Everything is alive and breathing and beautiful- and the mother earth will take care of me- and I am in Rome right now- and I feel lucky, and grateful, and humbled by life's possibilities.

And sometimes when I talk to my friends back home- doing their hum drum thing- and they tell me there ain’t jack shit going on... and I ache for that a little- that security, that familiarity... but I was in that for so long. I played it safe for so many years- and I had forgotten about ALL THE THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN IF YOU STEP OUT THE FRONT DOOR... you know? There’s a whole world out here- and you and I are in it- in a way that we weren't before.

It’s heavy- the weight of the world. And maybe it is a cross to bear- but I bear it gratefully, and gladly. Because playing it safe made me sad. And right now, all this change- doing it THIS HARD CORE is really.... big. And scary (but I think if it wasn't scary it would mean I wasn't paying attention.) And so, I feel happy.

Genuinely happy.

I look up and I see the coliseum. And for a place that saw so many massacres in its history- I cannot covey the stupid happiness that place makes me feel. And I see it everyday. And the traffic- I hated being trapped in a car in LA- I feel like the traffic here is a ballet. And even though it’s so cold sometimes on my Vespa- it is so stirring to be out in the world- on the road… bouncing along on the cobblestone- not cushioned by fancy American absorbent shocks….

You know?

I feel invigorated by the way the light hits the buildings… these buildings that were built 2000 years ago as a celebration and an homage to the empire that was once Rome. I am in love. I am in love with the city.

I had a deep well of sadness in me for a long time living in Los Angeles… vacuous LA… I don’t have that here. ( I don’t fool myself that it can’t return… it just feels so far away right now…)

And it makes me so grateful. And humbled- to be here- present, alive, awake. Stirred.

DID YOU MISS ME?

3 whole days since I blogged- must be a record….

Anyway- started school on Monday it is TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME. 4 hours a day- REALLY good school, excellent teachers- it’s gonna work- I can tell. It’s cool, if I keep it up- I’m going to speak Italian. (this is me after 3 days of classes) I am only enrolled for 2 weeks right now- I will extend- have to… but as everything in Rome- it’s expensive. Fuck. But it’s worth it in a way I can’t even explain. I am already speaking a little… it’s so liberating. It’s also nice to have a schedule again- have a little structure to my day.

Made some new friends- been going out and being social… fun stuff.

I really love it here- It’s fucking cold, (really unusually cold for Italy) and I need a job so badly I can’t stand it, but I REALLY feel at home- It just makes sense somehow. I was rereading some blog entries earlier today- from last summer- and the whole time I was so upset that it was all coming to an end. I am so happy I don’t have to leave- it’s so much fun to LIVE here. It’s great.

So I just need the job to fall into place- everything else has done so so gracefully- one thing left to deal with on the list…..

It’ll happen. I just know it.

I found this the other day- and I thought I’d share it.

I wrote this last summer to Damaris in an email. And rereading it now… I am humbled by the great possibilities and luck life has extended to me…


10/12/2004
WHAT I WOULD NEED TO DO TO MOVE TO ROME.


SUBLET APARTMENT
SELL CAR
STORE STUFF
CANCEL CELL PHONE, CAR INSUR…ECT.
PAY DOWN CREDIT CARDS


GET A JOB IN ROME
FIND APARTMENT
BRING CATS
BUY VESPA

LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER CON MI AMORE.



Amazing. Totally amazing.

Thanks for reading.

REAL LIFE

So it’s Monday- enrolled in Italian school this morning…so I will be going to school for several hours each afternoon. Perfect really, still have time to look for a job…which I’m gonna have to really zero in on this week.

Yea, got to get to real life. Ain’t pretty, but it’s true.

Went to a really fun party this weekend, and met some really cool people. The cutest bunch of gay boys ever- who have already called to hang out this week. Love my little gay boys…. And a few very cool women who are good contacts, and seem like they could be friends.

Had a nice weekend. (mom don’t freak out) but I fell on my Vespa. It was wet, I wasn’t going fast- I was actually slowing to a light and my wheel hit a tram track in the st, and the bike just- fell over. It was embarrassing more than anything. My friend Jill was on the back… we are both fine- my knee is a bit bruised, hers is quite swollen, she spent the day on her couch… but other than we are fine. The bike has a small dent and a scratch. Woops. Well, now it’s used.

Fuck it.

Anyway- hope my brother taped the oscars… if not. Fuck it. Doesn’t even matter. It’s just hollywood, and I am beginning to relize it might not be as important as I had previously thought…..


Hummmmm.

REALLY FUNNY

I emailed just about everyone I know about this… but just in case you haven’t heard this…. Listen to this- it is, without a doubt the funniest think I have heard in a very long time.

This is my idea of funny:

click here to laugh

SIMPLE THINGS

Ohhhh- it was warmer today- not a lot warmer…just, enough. It was like a whole different city- the sun was shinning my coat was unbuttoned, no scarf. Me and my friend Jill and Alejandro went to a museum to see, of all things an Annie Leibowitz retrospective…(that was so-so…) but, the building it was in was magnificent- The Auditorium, it is called, and it is akin to the Disney Hall in Downtown LA. It’s a real weird building, and there are actually 3 theaters- for music, theater, dance… and opera…. They were killer. And for some reason they were open- so we had a look inside… so beautiful. They just really understand something here about making shit look good.

Had an apertivo in the Campo di fiori… took a nap- and met up with Justin Dragonas’s ex girlfriend Andrea- who lives in Rome. We had SUCH a good time. It was great- had a really fun dinner with her…. I don’t think there was even one second of dead air- the two us gabbed and gabbed. It was nice to talk to someone who knew the same people I know….

Anyway.

I have to find a job- the one I wanted doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I had an interview on Thursday at Cinecitta (the film studio) here in Rome. I went in to meet with the producers and the Art Dept Coordinator of the new HBO show they are shooting here- which is the aptly named “Rome.” It is by the same people that made The Sopranos, Six feet under…etc… and it is, obviously, is about life in Ancient Rome. So I went and met them- they gave me a tour of the back lot. HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT is all I can say- it is, the largest set ever built for TV- and right now it is the largest free standing set in the world- larger even than the famed Cleopatra set… they weren’t sure- but they think they are in the ranks of the largest set of all time. And I’ll tell you what- it was AWESOME. In the true meaning of the word- AWE inspiring.

THEY REBUILT THE FUCKING FORUM!!! No joke- it was like standing in the center of ancient Rome. Totally totally impressive.

The problem is, that they are wrapping the first season in, like- 3 weeks, and so they are already starting to let people go. So the fucking wank is, in addition to them wanting to hire me, but not being able to, (because there is no job left)… I am coming to Rome at a time- when in the next month about 500 people will be hitting the market looking for work in film. If the show gets picked up for another season- there is a decent chance I can get on it.. but who knows when and if that will happen.

So. Shit.

SO- I am back at the drawing board… hitting pubs, and language schools, etc. I’ll find a job…just- you know, now I really am saying fuck the career. … oh well!

I think I am going to start language school on Monday- I need to learn Italian one way or the other- so I’m just gonna start already. I’ll have a better chance getting a good job if I can communicate….


So for now, today- I am satiated by simple things. An old friend and a glass of wine. A few degrees warmer. Clean sheets, Stan Getz on my stereo, The full moon, Disorono on ice, And, as always- the way my cats look at me.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE ANYWAY?

How did this happen anyway? Good fucking lord. I mean seriously. Rome, I live in Rome? I think I woke up and realized that I live in Rome this morning. Not 3 months ago I was snug as a bug all cute and cozy in my place in Santa Monica and now I’m sitting here- in Rome.

It’s so fucking absurd. I love it. Be careful what you wish for. HA!

I am, admittedly finding myself surprisingly homesick- way more than I thought I would be. And I miss the strangest things- dryer sheets... god what I wouldn't give to have my laundry fresh and fluffy like at home... stupid. I miss the woman who waxes my legs and gives me cheap perfect pedicures.... I miss my family a lot and of course my friends. And, I'm ashamed to admit it but I miss American TV. Like, a lot. It's crazy. I come home and all I want to do is turn on the tube and space out. I don't even have a TV... so I watch a DVD on my computer. Which is great that I have a bunch here.... but then the movie is over and I just want to surf...mindlessly be entertained. Got so used to that. It's pretty wild.

Here's a perfect example. This Sunday are the Oscars. I probably will not get to see them. Now my brain says who cares- it's all crap anyway- Hollywood bullshit...blah blah. Right? But damn the other part of me is like NO!!!!!! I can't miss the Oscars... I've NEVER missed the SHOW!!!! What am I gonna do????? I love the show, the outfits, the speeches.... ahhh. It makes me feel so out of touch. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I am just still holding on tight.

I have been writing a lot. On all sorts of stuff. Using my spare time to write it all down. You know?

Things with the boy are good. We have taken a big step back from the intensity of last summer and are just sort of, getting to know each other. And you know- it's good, he's great. I like him. I don't know how well we fit sometimes- we really are so different. And I mean beyond the cultural stuff- we're just different. He's not very smart or well read or cultured, or even ambitious. He's very Italian that way. (Even though he's from Argentina) I don't know. Sometimes we are walking around and he will ask me questions like... where is the arch of Constantine? I'm like- ARE YOU KIDDING? That’s like asking where the Chrysler building in NYC is? And I'm like, "uhhh, it's the MASSIVE ARCH DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE COLOSSEUM?" I don't mean to be a snob but at times I'm like... dude- tune in... there is a whole world out there. You live in the fucking birthplace of western civilization.... this is the famed "old world" and your walking around like your in a fucking bubble.....

I don't know. It's just frustrating. I mean I'm not stupid... but honestly- I can't seriously be the smart one in a relationship. (I'm the one who needs to learn stuff...) Seriously.

I don't know. But we have fun, and I like him and he's a cutie.. and we are enjoying ourselves. So it's cool. I am just hanging out, living here- trying not to make bold decisions or drastic moves. I'm just kinda chilin,... you know? Feeling my way around. Trying to figure it out. Trying not to project too much of ME, MINE, WHAT I WANT onto the situation, and trying to let Alejandro bring his assets to the table- trying to accept all this for WHAT IT IS.

It's weird though- my whole life since I was 11 or so- I knew I wanted to live in Hollywood and make movies. And everything I did, summer classes, high-school, college, summer jobs... everything- was about getting closer to that goal.

And then there I was, doing it.

And I left.

It's so strange. It's so odd, that I am here now. Doing this- and it's awesome. I want to be here. I am so glad I'm doing this, its just like, WHAT? What the hell am I doing? This wasn't in the plans....

So now- here I am, at 29. And for the first time in 20 years- I don't know what I'm doing. The future is unclear. And that is at once both liberating and terrifying. It's just crazy. How is it possible that I am unsure? I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. Well Chase, welcome to the brave new world. Everything is different. You wanted it- you got it.


It makes me smile and laugh like an insane person sometimes. I'm like. This is crazy! ( I feel like Chevy Chase in National Lampoons Vacation- the 1st one- right before he jumps in the pool naked with that model... "this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy" And then he jumps in.)

That’s me.

But at least I jumped right?

THE END OF AN ERA

Good lord.

As if my father needed any more bad news this week. Yet ANOTHER good friend of his died this week. This time he took his own life- sending a bullet thru his brain.

As I’m sure many of you have heard, Hunter S Thompson ended his life on Sunday. Marking a terribly un-extraordinary way to end a truly extraordinary life. While some friends are calling his death selfish, and cruel. I think my father said it best- it was just an impulsive thing… the likes of which we spent a life time in awe of- that was Hunter did best…..

And so, the man famed for Gonzo Journalism, drug enraged politics, and of course fear and loathing in the heart of America is gone. I however, thank him for something he was a little less known for… and that was taking my fathers keys one night and not letting him drive.. This was, one of a string of events that awoke my father from his drinking, and inevitably changed his life, as well as my own.

I loved that book about Vegas too, but I appreciated him for mostly selfish reasons.

Ps: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT MAGNOLIA…

CHASE AND THE GERMANS

So I got a phone call today- “want to work today?”

“Sure I said, doing what”

OH MY GOD.

Cut to the Vatican, Chase pulls up, 40 German tourists in tow- and SOMEHOW I AM GIVING A TOUR of Rome to these eager people via Vespa.

It was absurd. We drove around for about 3 hours… in the rain… with me giving them (what little I knew) information about some of Rome’s more famed sites.

“When was this built?” One especially eager older German man wanted to know- referring to the coliseum…

“It was begun in 72 ad completed in 80 ad.. it took over 70,000 slaves to carry these stones from a quarry in a town called Tivoli some 17 miles away…”

And you know what’s amazing? That’s true… I know that. I don’t even know how I know that shit…. I just do.- I guess I’ve just been paying mild attention to some of the cheesy tour books that I was given as a gift over the last few months…

It is amazing, things said with certain conviction… with a certain air… people will believe ANYTHING you tell them if you say It in a way where they think they MUST believe. Why, it is the VERY CORNERSTONE of American Politics…

Anyway… so somehow I survived the day. It was pretty ridiculous though.


Me. A tour guide…. But I made some money (if I break it down hourly the last time I made that little was working as a house painter when I was 19…. Never said I was moving to Rome for the $$$$). And it was fun. Stupid, but fun.

Oh yea, and one more thing- the best part- all my tourists were wearing matching blue plastic ponchos. WOW. Hideous. Awesome.

WENT TO MY FIRST

Italian mall this weekend. The mall. The Primavera Mall. (spring mall) Ahhh, The epicenter of society. Teenagers, parents and children, young couples…. People EVERYWHERE. Crowed mall madness. Awesome. It was, decidedly, exactly like an American mall, without the obesity. It really is jarring I have to say, being at a mall without any fat people. It’s been a while come to think of it since I’ve seen a really fat person. I mean, there are people that are a bit round around the edges…but truly, there just ISN’T as much obesity. It’s nice. Strange. But nice.

I’m not usually a big fan of the mall, but I needed a store called “Media World” Which, is Italy’s answer to Best Buy. And it’s exactly the same really…. What’s REALLY jarring is traveling half way across the globe only to see the same shit. . Sony, Panasonic, you know the usual suspects. Shit,”I robot”, and “Spiderman 2” on the TV’s across the store. America is powerful. Fat, and powerful.

So I purchased my very first espresso maker. And it’s TERRIFIC. When I awoke this morning I made steamed milk and coffee- mixed it up- and I’ve got me a latte. Very delicious indeed. It’s a remarkably simple machine. Everyone’s machines back home seem so complicated, with vast buttons and unnecessary gadgets. My little black machine was cheap, simple, perfect. And it make s delicious coffee.

So I am feeling very at home now. After all, home is waking up and making coffee.

PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKKI WIENER!!!!

PEACE PARADE

So as I walked out the door this morning to meet Alejandro something weird was going on…. The street (via Cavor) was empty and weird, cop cars at all the adjoining streets, and people just kinda milling around. “Accident?” I thought…. But then It became obvious. Better. Parade. Awesome. Now, when you don’t speak the language it takes a little while to sort out what the fuck is going on at certain times… but (once Alejandro got there it helped a lot too) this is what I figured out. There is an Italian female reporter being held hostage in Iraq… and this was a march for her release…. 500 thousand Romans showed up… all wearing their rainbow flags (the rainbow means peace here, NOT gay pride. But it still makes me smirk when I see and OBVIOUSLY straight guy franticly waving a rainbow flag… can’t help it really).

So I decided to join in- and we walked (for those of you that know Rome) from Piazza Republica, down Via Cavor to Fori Impiriali, up to Piazza Venietzia, past Theatro Marcello, and then down thru Circo Maximo, and met finally at a stage at the Coliseum.

It was, if nothing else, an excellent walk. We walked for about two hours, hundreds of thousands of us, singing, clapping, admiring. Marching. Fucking peace march. Sweet. Check out the pics here

SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY ALONE TODAY.

God it was bliss. I actually woke up kinda sad. Having a friend die while I’m way out here has made me feel pretty lonely. I am definitely having pangs of homesickness- especially since there is a funeral tomorrow that I would give anything to be at.

So I just decided to indulge myself and gorge myself on all things Rome. I figure I was gonna start school on Monday- but now I have a job interview for a job I really want on Monday- ( I want it so much I can’t even talk about it actually) so I’m not starting school, and so today is mine. Vacation. Do all the things I WANT today.. Indulge. Fall in love with Rome all over today.

So I did. I spent a long time at the internet point this morning- just emailing and surfing and said FUCK IT and just relaxed and hung out on line for a while…

Then I went to my favorite restaurant and sat in the corner and read my book and ate so slow. And had a 2 hour lunch by myself. God it was so great.

Then I drove all over the city…just cruzing. Pulled over and watched the tourist and the locals alike sit on the Spanish steps. I must have sat there for two hours before I realized my ass was so numb from the cold marble. People just came and went. 5 minutes. They came, took a look around. Sat down. Stood up, took a picture, admire the picture. And the got out the map. Spanish steps. Done. What’s next? Sitting there for 2 hours- I feel like I could never be done there. I want to see it in Spring, and summer, and august when it’s abandoned. An in the middle of the night. 5 minutes done. Not for me.

People are so funny. So many observations this afternoon at the Spanish steps. The awesome group of Italian teenage girls who after a long build up finally got up the courage to cross the steps and ask theteenage boys on the other side for a light for her cigarette. She plays it too cool though, and the guy doesn’t bite. It is enough for her and her friends to laugh about for a while- until they start taking pictures of themselves with their camera phone…. They all look like a European version of Avril Levine…. Both the boys and the girls…. Two older English ladies stop at the steps to consult the map and have a rest. They spread out a newspaper to sit on….. a 6 member well dressed American family stop at the steps. The 2 boys are the first to arrive, they look around and sit casually aching to fit in, little sister , younger brother, dad and finally mom follow. They all sit, mom stands. After a while they decide to meet back at the steps in 15 minutes. Dad and son climb the steps, mom and daughter go into the Channel store, and the first two just sit and try to look cool. A woman with bad highlights and an orange plastic coat is picking up garbage. She sighs and rolls her eyes, it seems the older English ladies have left their newspaper… “va fangula” she says under her breath. I wonder why she’s picking up trash. Community service? I wonder, Do they have that here? Seems far too organized for Italy… but I am resigned to all sorts of surprises here in Rome.

I drive around for a while. The sun is setting, and from the Villa Bourgese I can see the Vatican. St Peters Dome sitting majestically as the highest point in Rome. Then like something out of a Hitchcock movie the birds come. Thousands- hundreds of thousands flying, swooping, diving, gathering. It is like a ballet for birds. Magnificent. I jump on my bike and drive over to where they are. I find myself on a bridge to trastevere trying to take pictures. But it is dusk and so hard to get the right exposure. I need my 35mm goddamnit!!!! It is marvelous. I watch them till it’s dark and they just as suddenly as they emerged, they disperse. Where do they go I wonder? Do birds have favorite trees? Or do you think they swap it up?

I’ve never thought about birds before. My dad loves birds. I don’t even know what kinds these birds are. Black ones I reckon. But that’s about all I have to offer on the subject.

SO I go to the phone place, and I call my dad and my brother and nikki. And we talk for ages. Ahh it’s good to hear their voices. And it just seems so odd to me that I am not going to see them anytime soon. It’s so odd that this is my life now- this is my choice. And I wonder if I can really pull it off. If I can stay- and if it’s what I really want. Who knows? I want to be here right now, that much is clear. Will missing my people get easier? I imagine it can only get harder. I feel like it really hasn’t even hit me that I don’t live near my family anymore. Talking to them it was like…well, ok, see you tomorrow. But no, I won’t. I really don’t know WHEN the next time I’ll get to see them is. That is so odd.

29 and never lived away from my family. I mean college… but whatever. Carter was 45 minutes away for 2 years of that…and lets face it who remembers anything about college anyway.

I was standing in an Irish pub last night- Finnegan’s, my favorite. And I’ve gotten to know a lot of the people in there, and they have really embraced me there. They like me, and they invite me out…and it’s nice to feel like I have some sense of community out here. And it’s ex-pats from everywhere. New Zealand, England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, the States…. And there was a point last night where I felt, just really happy. I was a little drunk, and Jill had just made a toast to me “people ALWAYS say there gonna come back… you did Chase. You did”… and I’m looking around at these people- MY PEOPLE. No one I know knows these people. I made all these friends myself. And they like me. And I like them, and it’s cool. And we wanna do stuff, and make stuff together… and it’s great. And I look around and I realize of the 20 some-odd people in the bar- I can name about 10. And I feel comfortable. And I started to smile. Because IT WAS MINE. This moment was mine. I had found it last summer, and I made a decision and I followed thru, and I made it reality, and I earned it. IT WAS MINE. And it made me smile.

NEW MEMORIES

I had been thinking a lot before I left LA- about how I had covered almost the entire city with memories... "oh I shot in that building, that's where we had lunch the day we founded Chick Pee Productions, I remember I was on the phone with Sarah when my phone went dead there, that's the good photo place, remember the time the truck went dead right here?..." Just full. Chock a block full.

And now, in this new city I have so few. I am making them. "That is the spot Alejandro and I first kissed. That's good pizza," (but I know it's not the best... haven't found that yet), and then I'm out- it's like "ooh, I wanna try that bar"... mostly I just wander around looking, seeing, exploring with my eyes.

Not speaking italian is like being in candy store with no money. It's cruel. And by that I mean this- I know I can go out and get a job so I can buy the shit in the store and play with all the kids- but getting a job is so hard and is going to take so long to find and even once I get a job- to be able to save up enough to spend!!! OK enough with the metaphor- but sincerely, it's a lot harder than I thought. Practicing on my own isn't EVEN gonna cut it. I need lessons, and badly. I just found about a good place yesterday- just been too fucking sick to deal with it. I would like very much to like classes soon. Because as I learn I think it'll start to be fun.

So many questions I want to ask... for example I was in the grocery store today buying laundry detergent. Good lord. How to tell the difference between bleach, softener, and actual soap? This is one of the few markets American products have not penetrated, so going with the familiar name brand isn't applicable here. And I guess I could open up and smell (a test that had proved to work for body soap)... but only IF I COULD ASK!!!! Just you know... the basics. Which I just don't have. And every time I try, I open my mouth and Spanish comes out. Fuck it's stupid. At the same time today I explained at the hardware store that I needed an adapter for my surge protector. And he understood, and even modified the little bugger for me.

So I CAN communicate. Just, you know, NOT EASILY. But it does make things interesting.- You know how when your broke you always think... "if I had money I would do this and this and this" and then you have money and all of the sudden all the good ideas are gone. Well THAT'S how I feel. If I could speak Italian I would talk to the man at the hardware store, and the grocer, and EVERYONE. Just to prove I can. At this point I'm afraid to speak- If I start a conversation they might want me to continue talking, a task, which right now I am incapable of fulfilling.

I spoke with a woman today that ACTUALLY WORKS at Cinecitta (the film studio here) she is a friend of Bruce's and she called me after I emailed her two weeks ago. She wanted to meet, but then canceled at the last minute. She is working right now- which is a great sign. I don't know if she can get me work, actually I think she might be under the impression that I can hire her... but we will see. Everyone else I've met is TRYING to work, she is ACTUALLY working. Which is an excellent thing. keeping my fingers crossed. (although at this point I have to say, what can I offer as a shopper? I don't know the city or where anything is, and I don't speak italian... how much can I really help?) But I remain optimistic. Cuz if I tune in and listen to what everyone is telling me I'd be fucked.

I woke up this morning feeling loads better. I think my cold finally broke! That was a rough one all right.

What else, I don't know. Everything is good. You know. I really live here. And I feel like I do too. It's cool. Lot's still hanging in the balance though... will I stay, can I get a good job, what to do with the place in LA... all these things. Can't think about all that just yet. First things first. Learn Italian!!!!!!

Gotta learn. Cuz I got candy to buy.

MOVED IN

So feeling a bit better today, not a ton…but some. Woke up at home!!! Strange. A new home. But I feel comfortable. And the cats- my little troopers. They looked at me yesterday as I put them in their cages…like, “Your joking… HOW are we moving AGAIN??? Well…as long as your going…take me with you”

So we moved… in the rain, via cab. It’s so odd that everything I own can fit in a cab. I mean, 4 suitcases, a cardboard box, one small bag and 2 cat crates… but shit, I’m mobile baby.

So we got in a taxi, after a very long and cold wait… but we got in, and I realized. I WAS IN A CAR. I haven’t been in a car in 2 WEEKS. Now you east coasters, this may not seem like a big deal… but being from LA… 14 days is an eternity not to be in a car. It was kinda weird. I got in and though…this is not a Vespa….

It was funny. So we got home…head spinning with sickness, and tired and cold…I unpacked a bit, and then hunkered down in bed and watched Finding Nemo and Arthur and then fell deep deep asleep. Perfect. (until Shoni called at 3:30 am…”what’s the time difference?” Awesome)

And I got up this morning- still sick, but light years better, and I moved in fully.

Still haven’t nailed the good kitty litter here. Still searching. Most of it either tracks ALL OVER THE PLACE or is DUSTY ASS HELL. So… anyway. Once that little glitch is ironed out…we’ll be in business. Also I need a closet. The only closet is in the extra room. Which is fine for now- but at some point I’m gonna rent it out, and I’m not going to have any hanging room. SO that will need to be solved fairly quickly.

The apt came furnished, and with most items necessary. But it’s missing the strangest things… like dishes. Pots pans, silverware, glasses..sure. But no plates. So odd. So I found some at this shitty little market, 5 or 50 cents. I was like, SOLD! But how odd is that? Oh and how about this- no shower curtain… that’s weird right? But other things, like a box of salt, and vinegar… but no plates. Italy.

I need to go to the grocery story… I have some food, but I need detergent to wash, and things like tacks to hang things and all of that. Extension cords…oh yes, and a shower curtain.

I’ve posted a few pictures of my new apt so you can take a look at your leisure. I apologize for the blank walls… I am gonna have to solve that PRONTO (to use an Italian word).

SO now I just need to get healthy, and then I need to focus all my energy school and a job. I actually got some info about teaching English… could be interesting. I’ve never done anything like that before… but right now I just need a nap. This cold isn’t completely gone. And so with that- I will talk to you soon.

SAD NEWS

Oh man, my dads best friend died this week. He just had a heart attack and died at 56. It’s so sad. And I just feel so bad for my father and I can’t do anything from out here… and it sucks. Anyway. Bob Eastman was a great man and he will be sorely missed by all. Just wanted to send a big wave of love to his family and to my parents who had been working and playing with “Uncle Boob” for 20 some-odd years. He was a big happy man. And I, for one will miss him greatly.

GOT IT PART DUEX

Oh I got it alright- INFLUENSIA!!!

That’s right bitch I am sick as a dog. Spent the last 2 full days in bed, but then had to get up and move into my new apt today (in the rain no less).

But the good news is, I’m in, I’m home in Rome…not I have to just relax and get healthy. Gonna just unpack and take it easy over the next few days. Too sick to do anything else, and the cold medicine here, well, sucks shall we say. (not to mention you CAN'T get medicine on the weekends.- Pharmacys are closed on the weekend... turns out friday night is like the worst time in the week to get sick...lucky me)

I would say If the mission was to take myself as far way from my comfort zone as possible, than I would say, especially after this weekend.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I GOT IT!!!

Hallelujah praise the pope himself. Chase has an apartment in Rome!!!!!!

And it’s so FUCKING awesome.

Oh man oh man oh man.

It’s a TWO bedroom- with a separate kitchen, and bathroom and hallway that connects it all. It’s got a balcony and a washer (no dryer, they don’t “do” that here)… nice stove oven (as appose to the many hot plate situations I saw) small fridge. But completely furnished…I’ve already thought about how I am going to rearrange…. It’s perfect. Oh yea- and its RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF TOWN, but on a quiet back street. Big windows- light and lots of perchable spots for the cats…. I mean- it’s the best apt ever… I move in on Monday!

So depending on what happens job wise… we’ll see what I do with that extra room. In my ideal scenario I can keep it for an office to write and put the spare bed for all you fuckers when you come to visit (yea!!!). But truthfully, one doesn’t get a big two bedroom in the center of town without paying for it…. So I may very well have to rent that room out. Blah! But concessions need to made to have it all you know?

It’s funny, when I visited last summer everyone was like- I pay $500 euros for my place…it’s big, Oh I got a job NO problem…

I mean it wasn’t as thought the people I met were living rich by any means…it’s just the story they are singing now that I live here is quite different. “Shit man, yea it’s hard to get a job. Apartments are really hard to find…good luck.”

The best I can figure is this:

Since the Euro was introduced, the cost of living in Italy has gone up considerably. But wages haven’t gone up, and neither has the conditions of anything. So for an apartment you are paying near NYC or San Fran prices, but the apts are in dire condition. Because Italians aren’t, shall we say the most ambitious people on the planet. Most of them live with their parents (till they are about 40 or so..)- so to make 200 euros a week suits them fine. $1200 a month is considered a very good living here. A GREAT job is 35,000 a year. Now 10 years ago 35,000 and you could live like a king here…but now, you can just barely manage with that.

SO it’s a pretty fucked up place to have moved in that respect.

But that’s not why I came. Sincerely- If I wanted to make good money amass lots of material things drive a fancy car and live like a fat cat…well, I would have just stayed home. Because that’s precisely what I was doing.

But there’s more to life isn’t there?

SO I’ll rent a room out, I’ll work my ass off. But I’ll be living in Rome and DOING SOMETHING NEW.

It’s great. I was talking to an older welsh man last night, and he thought I was OUT OF MY MIND. Giving up a good job and coming to “this hell hole...” Some people don’t get it. I wouldn’t expect them to. Others do. People who still remember hope, change, possibility, faith.

All of which I have again. For the first time in a long time.

AHH FOR FUCKS SAKES

Who cares... I fucking wanna kill some shit. Fuck this whole apartment search. I found an apartment. (haven't said anything cuz I didn't want to jinx it) It's perfect in every way- two bedrooms, balcony, quiet street, laundry fridge, stove , separate kitchen, bath...the whole nine, awesome neighborhood- expensive but still a deal... yea well I saw that little beauty three days ago. Put money down...filled out the app... whole thing. STILL HAVEN'T HEARD.

Fucking hell. I'm from America. And not just anywhere. I'm from Hollywood. I could have built an entire apartment COMPLEX in as long as it's taken for me to hear. I know it's time to slow down and all- but I feel like I just sprinted into a wall of wet cement.

It's not that I didn't get it, or that it's not mine or that I won't or whatever. it's just italy. and shit like this just TAKES 5 days. That's all. The landlord has to think about it, and the real estate agent has the flu..... oh and what the fuck.

So do I keep looking in case it falls thru? DO I just wait till I hear, then if it does fall thru and I've been sitting here with my dick in my hand? So I keep looking- of course I do- I keep looking. But you know I FOUND my apartment... that's my house- I know it- so why bother? It's a fucking steal- it's perfect! But I have to look. SO I do. and all it is, is more crap after crap after crap. (it's awesome!)

And now I can't sleep- what if I don't get. SLEEP CHASE. Can't sleep. SLEEP.

Ahhh PMS- lets throw a side order of that shit in just to spice it up.

AHHHH small room with foreign boyfriend man!!!!! 2 cats, 5 people, one dog. Cat hair, dog hair, HUMAN hair!!!!!!!

Stay the course chase, stay the course.

So I go out, and get all crazy- have a blast discover new shit, make new friends... trying to DO stuff when all I want to do is unpack, get a phone line and hunker down and nest for a while. Set up shop, get to work.

I'll get the apartment soon. I mean, I hope. I'm suppose to call in two hours.


SO anyway. That's my day today.


ha.

THE MAP

So as many of you know I wanted to come to Rome and make a map of the city with the one way streets on it. But the problem is… I’ve discovered since I’ve been here… YOU CAN’T MAKE A MAP OF ROME WITH THE STREET DIRECTIONS ON IT. And you know why? Because they keep changing. HA. How ridiculously perfectly Italian-ie roman is that? I mean good lord. They change for no good reason, one day you turn to drive down a street that has been one way for ages… and there you are going the wrong way.

It is one of those things that drew me to Rome. And presumably, one day, will turn me away.

Marvelous.

IRONY

I’ve never been much for it. Irony always seemed to me a perspective that had gotten self righteous with itself and somehow thought it was better than it was.

That being said… this shit is ironic.

I don’t own a lighter.

More to the point I am not in possession of a lighter at this time.

Now the reason this is even remotely ironic is that in la in a garage in Santa Monica I have about maybe 5 or 6 hundred lighters sitting in a jar in a box on a shelf. I started collecting lighters when I was 19 when I lived in Holland for a semester. I figured they were the perfect token to collect while traveling. Useful, memorable, perfect. Then on a trip across the US I made a point (sometimes to Mimi and Damaris’s annoyance) to buy a lighter in EVERY STATE WE PASSED. So thru those and other trips I’ve amassed an impressive collection. They are stored in two Jars. One for those that work, and those that no longer posses their inner spark.

I always have a lighter. Usually about 8 on my person at any given time. I always have a lighter.

And right now I don’t. How is that possible? Amazing.


As I packed, I picked 10 or 12 favorites to bring with me. I tossed them in my luggage I put two in my purse and I was off. When I arrived, I found in lu of my lighters a note that read “Dept of United States blah blah blah.. because of blah blah blah…we have taken you lighters…this was necessary because of blah blah blah thank you very much. And thanks again for flying the friendly skies.”

Terrific. I was using the two I had in my purse, but they have disappeared into the vortex that is the “other peoples pockets of Rome.”

And so. I have no lighter, just one pack of matches from Jimmy’s bar in Aspen, that has survived with me for who knows why…and it has just 3 matches left.

OK- so it’s not like it’s hard to obtain lighters or matches… seems like I always have tons. It’s just so odd that at this moment I have none. Ironic. Perhaps. Or maybe just a circumstance that I think is better or somehow more important than it really is.

TUTTA CITTA

Rome rocks. It’s so fucking cool here. I had an hour to kill today in between appointments to see apartments- so I took Crazy Baby Blue (a name I am considering for the new Vespa- what do you think?) for a little joyride. So fun to just drive aimlessly around with no destination in mind. Its a hellava lot easier to enjoy when I don’t have to pull over and consult that god damn map…. Actually they have an excellent map here. It’s called tutta citta. Which means “the whole city” and it works a lot like a Thomas guide except it’s not quite so large… just a magazine really. But I feel like I can get anywhere with that little book, that and my Vespa. I mean- sometimes I have to KEEP pulling over and having a look- but I always get where I’m going.

So I drove all over and eventually landed in the Piazza Nuvona. Which is really the best people watching ever. Tourists from the entire world. Different languages at every inch, Asian and Arab street merchants, an all silver completely frozen human dressed as the stature of liberty, 3 older gentlemen with electric guitars doing Pink Floyd and Dire Straits covers…. Side walk restaurants packed with people soaking up the afternoon sun drinking wine and eating gnocchi. French school children on group tour… one girl stands and teaches her schoolmates about Bernini’s famous fountain in the center… she consults her notes and a boy in group smiles at her which makes her blush….

At a café today I sat next to an English couple that were negotiating with their guide book how best to fill the 4 days they had in Rome. It was all could do not to stand and tell them – I CAN TAKE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. I LIVE HERE! But I resisted and just listened to them weigh out Piramede (basically an ancient pyramid in the middle of an intersection) and the Etruscan Museum…. Neither of which should be missed in my opinion, but what do I know… I liked all that shit so much I uprooted my entire life to have more time at things like Piramede…

Later I wandered over to the pantheon… which is probably my favorite place in all of Rome. There is just something about the hole in the ceiling. It’s so fucking cool. It’s just a hole. I n the ceiling. I love it. I can’t wait to go there when it’s raining. I have to see that…. Rain just pouring in… Awesome. Truly AWE-some.

Anyway. The apt hunt continues… seen some promising ones… I will report properly when there is actual news to report.

On a side note- for those of you that know Justin Dragonas- you might remember his ex-girlfriend Andrea? Well, either way she lives here… and the other day I called an real estate agency about a listing I had read. And a girl answered the phone- who, wouldn’t you believe it turned out to be fucking Andrea…. It was pretty amazing. She was going to email me photos of an apartment- so I gave her my address, and she said “wait…. Chase Carter?…. Do you know a guy named Justin Dragonas?” Holy shit what a small world. It was pretty terrific really.

I take it all in like an omen. Like all of this was meant to be.


Finally I am finishing today with a poem a dear old friend sent me today.

It is exactly how I feel.

Moving Forward

The deep parts of my life pour onward,
as it the river shores were opening out.
It seems that things are more like me now,
that I can see farther into paintings.
I feel closer to what language can't reach.
With my senses, as with birds, I climb
into the windy heaven, out of the oak,
and in the ponds broken off from the sky
my feeling sinks, as if standing on fishes.

-Rilke

BEST NEWS EVER!!!!

I’ve been waiting for what it feels like is my whole life to say the following words.

I GOT A VESPA!!!!

And it’s perfect. It’s baby blue/ teal... it’s totally mint and delicious, it runs great.. it had a crack in the glass which I already replaced, and a crack in the fender which I am ordering tomorrow… It’s a 2000, it has 9044 km on it… it was owned buy a woman who just got pregnant and so…for a mere $550 euros ($740) that little beauty is mine!!!

It’ is 50cc which means it’s like equivalent of a one cylinder or something like that… I took that baby out on the highway- and she topped out at around 70k.. which is about 45mph. Sweet. For those of you familiar with my relationship with the California DMV, I’m sure you are relieved to know that even if I wanted to I COULDN’T speed…

OH BUT ITS AWESOME!!!

Check a picture of the little beauty here



It’s totally awesome and amazing. I can’t believe I just drive around with enormous shit eating grin on my face… Oh I also bought a sweet new helmet… so I am ready to go!

One mission accomplished. Next up, apartment, learn Italian, get a job.

No problem.

Xoxo

c

ps: jesus chase want some cheese with you WHINE? I blogged when I was in a mood. Sorry for the sob story. Such a pussy…

ADJUSTMENTS

My oh my.... Roman living.

I'n not in Kansas anymore, that much is for sure.... and to that I say thank god, and holy shit all at once.

I have spent the last two days looking at one unbelievably terrible apartment after another. I swear finding a decent apartment in Rome is like finding an apple seed on the LAX tarmac... (what a mataphor..jesus chase) But it's true. Shit is fucked up here. "Monolocale" it means one room- with a tiny kitchen, a bathroom and if your lucky room to stand (the latter of course being optional...) But this is my price range. What with the Dollar being in the toilet as it is...and me not having a job... I just have to be realistic.

It's an adjustment, that is for sure...for those of you who knew my last apartment... which seems like a palace in comparison- I am preparing to downsize greatly. But after this morning's venture I think I have to rethink a few things. For one, I am now prepared to pay quite a bit more for an apartment... honestly, I think I would rather live better and maybe not stay here as long than live like shit and stay longer... We'll see. I mean, I am not trying to be an American Prima Donna... but seriously... is it so much to want a shower? Am I a spoiled western beast to want a refriderator that is larger than a computer screen? I've been spoiled, I don't dare deny it.... but this is Rome for gods sake. (which is lot more like NYC in terms of real estate than I had previously been led to believe...awesome.) That being said, I remain sort of curiously and hopelessly optimistic.. as if I cannot fathom a world where all of this doesn't work out. (you know the old "once lucky, always lucky" misconception...)

And I mean really, I have an apartment I am welcome to stay in for as long as I need to, and I have been lent a Vespa until I find one to buy. So the truth is...so far, I'm fucking set...

SO- my first appointment to see an apt was at 9:30 this morning... I left the house at 8am... because Rome is an incredibly hard city to navagate in, so I gave myself ample time to get lost, find myself and eventually find said apartment. (the apartment by the way was something out of Silence of the Lambs... the kind of place you would expect to find yourself dead in the trunk of a car kind of thing...very homey...) Ok, but so anyway- it was SO UNFUCKING BELIEVABLY COLD this morning. I mean like, packing raisins that turn into walnuts style... the kind of cold where your eyes water and then the tear frezzes on your cheek. That kind of cold... Ok, so imagine that cold, and then imagine screaming down the street on a Vespa totally exposed and all windblown. The first half hour I yelled out loud and laughed hystericlly at the pure absurdty of the situation. The second half hour I began to cry and the hysterical laughing just kind of turned into minor hysteria... then- somewhere around an hour and 15 minutes into this frost bitten venture- I was lost as hell, streets change names without warning...holy fuck ...I got pissed. Then- FINALLY I found this dump of an apartment and the creapy guy who wanted to inseminate me, I thought for sure, was asking me when I wanted to move in... that's when I decided to change the gameplan- and opt to look for apartments in a wee bit higher price range.

Looking back I can laugh.. but it was a rough morning. And that was just the first place.

Take it in stride Chase. Take it in stride.

Ahh man it's great. I mean- I can'teven remember the last time I was lost in LA... I'm lost all day long here.. it's awesome. I just wish it was warmer. Being lost is one thing- being lost and cold is quite another... but what the hell.. you know? I came here for something different- and in pure italian style- they have surved up a steaming dish of exactly that.

This afternoon I am going to look a at a Vespa- I have a very good feeling about it...hopefully by tonight I will be a Vespa owner...but we'll see. At this point I have all but let go of any and all expectations...

So thats it. To recap:

its cold.
really really cold.
apartments are like apple seeds.
my tits are like walnuts.
and the city is my oyster.

fun times. fun times.

xoxo
and ciao.

ps: sorry for any spelling mistakes, this wasn't written on my computer but rather at an internet point... no spell check here...

WELL IT'S OFFICIAL...

I live in Rome.

After a tough day of wanting to sleep all day yesterday- I made it until about 9pm and then PASSED OUT. The cats are total little soldiers. They’re fine!! We are such a team the three of us. We made it thru customs no problem. The guy questioned me slightly- 4 bags and two cats… “how long are you staying?” TWO MONTHS, I said. As though all this of stuff was hardly enough for such a long time. He bought it. The funniest thing- trying to convince the cab driver that the cats weren’t going to shit in his cab. I was like- look, just start driving and we’ll have a hell of a lot better chance that they wont. (Sally did take a massive piss the second she saw the cat box. Good little girl. She made it.)

Alejandro is a sweet heart- It’s great to see him. Not sure he’s the man of my dreams necessarily, but god damn I don’t know what I’d do with out him. I just sort of broke down last night. All this sadness about moving and missing my parents and my friends and my family… I feel like I’ve been trying not to cry for weeks. And when I finally got here I just sort of collapsed into him ( I think he was a little overwhelmed… but it was such a relief to FINALLY BE HERE).

He’s funny though- he’s happy I’m here- and wants me to stay with him but doesn’t want me to move any of his things. Boys. How am I supposed to live at his apartment for however long it will be without moving a few things? I’m not talking a lot- but it’s like- can we move those candles that haven’t been lit in a year- so I can put my lotion and hair brush there? Good grief. I can’t remember who it was that I was talking to about whether or not he would have cleared out a drawer or two for me…well I won- because of course he didn’t. (For those of you lucky enough to have spent 4 hours with me packing the other day- you will be happy to know I have completely rearranged all my suitcases AGAIN to accommodate living out of them. Ahhhhhh.)

That aside, it’s great to be here. I didn’t leave the apartment today. I had a much needed long winters nap with the cats. As I said I went to bed at 9p and then woke up bright eyed and ready to go at 1am. So I took an ambien (thank you dad) and slept till 10am. Perfect. I was going to get up and go out- but its SO FUCKING COLD here. I said fuck it and Pete and sally and I slept till 2p. Alejandro was at work all day- so Lena (his roommate with the dog) and I hung out. She’s totally fucking awesome. We made fun of Alejandro and all his funny beauty products. She also wanted to make sure I understood that I was totally welcome here as long as I needed to stay- such a sweet heart. For those of you that don’t know- she has a dog- and stupid Alejandro (who I adore, don’t get me wrong) didn’t tell them I was bringing my cats until 10 days before I arrived. And they were pissed, naturally. I mean, a house guest is one thing, a house guest with animals is totally different. Plus they didn’t know how the dog was going to be around cats… and blah blah blah. Good grief- what a stress out that was. Stupid boys. So, anyway she wanted me also to know that I am totally welcome- and all that madness was about Alejandro and not me. She was very sweet. So she and I spent the day together- smoking cigarettes, drinking espressos, and laughing, looking at pictures… getting to know each other. I like her. She and I are very much relieved because her dog and my cats are getting along. I don’t think I will be leaving the cats out of the room when I’m not home- but while I’m here they are welcome to wander the house- which was a major concern of mine- that is now put to rest.

It’s funny. I spent so much energy and nervousness on getting here- I forgot about all the hard work it was going to take ONCE I GOT HERE. Now that I am here it’s like- holy shit I have a lot to do. But a vespa, get an apartment, get a job, and oh yea learn Italian. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t a little overwhelmed. But it’s ok. Really. I think that’s also why I slept in and have ended up not leaving the house today. It was so much work getting out of town- and now that I’m here and I can visualize the long road ahead- I just needed a fucking day off- you know?


The cats are happy!!! I can’t believe how OK they are. Right now sally is on top of the closet on her “miss Sally Sue” bed, (the highest spot in the room, of course) and Peter is sleeping next to me on the bed. It’s like- as long as we’re together- we’re gonna be fine. It’s awesome. I love them- and I feel so safe with them here. Best thing I ever did bringing them with me. Totally worth the Shingles.

So then. I bought the newspaper yesterday where I find the Vespas and the Apartments. Holy fuck. Talk about overwhelming. I don’t speak Italian. Imaging for a moment trying to decipher classified ads in a different language. Good god- what a head ache. So that is the big project tomorrow. Figure that out. I know in my heart everything will work out- Alejandro and his partner are on the job helping me find a good vespa- and I know me and my cats will find a perfect little home- and I’ve heard of lots or Italian classes that are free, and fuck- work will happen. It’s just , you know, a lot.

I miss my friends. And what sucks is I know that missing them is going to get a lot harder, and not easier. And that blows.

But it’s gonna be great. Cuz I’m doing it. And I’m fine. And I’m excited, and (not to quote Cameron Crowe) but it’s all happening. Amazing.

So that’s it. I love you all, and Italy rocks. Can’t wait till I tell you about my awesome new Vespa. That’s top of the list. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Xoxo

C

READY

…Set, go.

So here it is- I am sitting in a rocking chair over looking the tarmac in Philadelphia- happy, calm, ready. In the ultimate display of good omens, as I walked into the airport- “Don’t stop believing” by journey was playing in the terminal. Wow. It was the good sign I was waiting for.

So all is good, the cats are checked in- and I feel good. We are on time and it’s all good. Some slight delay with boarding… some supply delay- whatever. Shouldn’t be too long.

I don’t know. I’m ready, I’m not afraid. I’m set, happy, GOOD TO GO.

And so. Here I go.

And with that I say- ariveaderchi.

Thank you all for the support, the love and the friendship. I promise I will be in touch. More than you know.

UPDATE

Here in Philly being spoiled- slept like a rock. Cats are fine- totally fucking ok with all of this. And so am I. Thank god for my cousin- pampering me, taking care of me. Me and my cats feel totally safe. We go to the airport again in a few hours. We’re fine. And I’m excited.

When next I write I’ll be in Italy…. Wow.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

I’m sitting in the airport- I’ve said goodbye to everyone I know. All my possessions INCLUDING my cats are packed into two cat crates, 3 suitcases and a box. And that’s it.

I’m moving. Via airplane out of the country.

Holy fucking shit.

This is intense.

My cats were crying so loud in the airport- now they are probably howling on the tarmac. Good lord. After much deliberation I decided NOT to sedate them. I, on the other hand just dosed up… Thank god for Vicki and her magic pills.

So here I am- all puffy and cry-faced- sitting listening to the worst smooth jazz airport nightmare music. All sorts of visions of my life in LA running thru my head- and crying. People walking by, looking at the girl in the corner quietly crying into her laptop.

Thank god I’ve got a sense of humor.

I guess is what people mean when they say I am brave for doing this. This is fucking intense.

So I go to Philadelphia tonight where my cousin will be greeting me and taking me home for a night to relax with the cats. She’s gone food shopping and rented movies- and she is going to take care of me for my last night in the states.

And that’s it. That’s all. I feel crazy- and excited and scared and like I want to throw up and sob and laugh and freak out all at once. I’m on the verge of a panic attack and then I remember the colloseum or the way the traffic snarls itself around the piazza Venetia… and I get a secret smile. And the fear goes away.

I DONT USUALLY

Like chrismas songs- but I think this one is a hit:

Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way...

ODE TO SHINGLES

ODE TO SHINGLES

Oh my dear sweet shingles-
How you make my arm tingle
Your virus thru my blood mingles
Reminding the world why I should probably be single

Red, itchy, painful spots
Blisters, boils- fucking blots
They told me herpes you are not
Although that’s a story I have not bought

I’ve got the shings- what can I say
As I get older, I’ve begun to decay
Fucking hell, I wish they’d just go away
But I’ve got to stay strong- never to dismay

But I say fuck it- it’s not my fault
How am I to fight such a physical assault
One day all this will halt…
Until then I’ll just eat a shit load of salt…

I’m really not that worried, I mean I’ll survive
So what if I can’t sleep or drive
It’s not like I’ve got hives
Some time you gotta take the shings in stride.

Astonishingly…

its been almost a month since I've written. SO MUCH has happened, I suppose I've just been too busy to write about it all.

For starters, I am officially out of my apartment. As of the 10th of January I was out. What a haul to get out. But I am organized and so put together- I now am down to odds and ends of things to get done before I am off.

Also I was in Colorado for a week or so visiting and relaxing and building snowmen (only to get drunk and knock them over) and building a bon-fire on new years…. It was so great to be there- me, and my whole family all crammed into this tiny house sharing one bathroom having a blast. My big project was doing an awesome horse paint by number while I was there. Really ugly and really fun. (My father made me give it to him… ridiculous)

Speaking of ridiculous, I was diagnosed this morning with having shingles. SHINGLES!!!!! It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard, but I have this tiny weird rash, and as it turns out its fucking shingles. It’s such an old lady disease. Actually it’s really an encore of the chicken pox, or some such shit… who the fuck cares. I’m on drugs, it’s going to go away, it won’t last long, it doesn’t itch, it’s not painful…it’s just, fucking, SHINGLES. Hilarious really. But watch out…if you haven’t had chicken pox- I can give them to you… how dope is that? I’m carrying “the pox” My father and I have been coming up with nicknames for me- his current favorite right now is “shingles the clown”- “shingles” is a close second. Dad says I should become a roofer… it’s getting stupid around here- but what are you gonna do with shingles??? Good grief.

On a more serious note I am starting to have serious second thoughts about traveling with the cats. I am so torn over what is the MORE responsible thing to do, take them with me- don’t abandon them- freak em out, but at least we are TOGETHER. OR, go to Rome get an apartment and get situated and then come back for them… I guess If I felt like I had someone I could trust to leave them with that would make the decision easier, but that isn’t the case at all. Or more pointedly the people I trust can’t take them. Which is kind of freaking me out (probably why I got “the shingles” they’re stress related)… I don’t know. But I have been proceeding with plans as if they too are getting on a plane with me in 19 days.

19 days. Holy mother fucking shit.

That’s like- really soon. I’m TRIPPING. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this- I am near panicked, but really excited, but nervous and happy, and scared…and HOLY SHIT. Rome. I’m going to LIVE IN ROME in like, two and half weeks.

Wow.

But there are fun times ahead until then- Vicki is coming to town, Damaris’s birthday, a HUGE goodbye party. good shit-

For now I am praying for a job to come along to give me extra $$$$$. I have been filling my days with, running errands, going to my storage (seems like there is always a reason), canceling credit cards…all that kinda shit. It’s fun to get rid of everything. This weekend I am having a huge yard sale (if it ever stops fucking raining. Holy shit it’s been raining since the 27th of December. Gimme a f-ing break.)

Anyway. That’s all. Crazy shit. For now, me and my shingles are going to bed.


I’ll be in touch sooner than later.

THE THING IS…

I can’t think of anything substantial to write.. only opening liners..you know they way we start blogs… and so…

THE FLOWERS By my bedside table are finally wilting

I WANTED To go to that party tonight…but I eni-meni-mighted it so may times and every time it came up no…so I didn’t go

FINALLY I went and say good theater in LA tonight… twice

I LOVE IT WHEN My frys at McDonalds are salted well

HELLO My little soon to be Italian cats… do you know that I’m going to put you on a plane to be taken so far away? DO you have any idea?

I’M ACTUALLY Remembering why I love this city… pity really

CREATIVITY Is totally the best feeling in the world…

ITS BEEN A LONG TIME Since I really FELT like an artist.. I did this week… its nice.

ID LOVE TO SHOW YOU My Christmas presents that I made, but on the off chance my family might check this, I can’t . Let me just say I am proud of the work I’ve done over the past few days.

WHAT THE HELL Are my friends going to do without me when I’m gone? More to the point, what am I going to do without them?

I LOVE Christmas- everyone is too busy to call- so I don’t have to feel guilty about not calling them back.

SHOWERING Is overrated.

AMAZING I had forgotten what it was like to be inspired by music… especially when it’s by your friends.

BY THE WAY for those of you keeping track, I am borrowing a car right now

AND FINALLY I think I will miss my weekly episodes of the oc the most.

HOLY SHIT

well its official, like really really official.

My car now belongs to someone else. It's paid for, I've cancled my insurance and today a nice vegan named Jason drove it away.

Thank you sweet car for being so good to me.

I will miss you.

Sweet land of Vespas.... here I come.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

since I've blogged. I've been kinda nuts. Something about America that keeps me so fucking busy.

I sold my car, I sublet my apartment (furnished) starting Jan 1st for 5 months. I got rid of 90% of my clothes, I've been selling cds, I sold my art dept kit... I turned 29, and organized a fundraiser at the Santa Monica Museum of Art. And Alejandro came to the states to which I've been playing serious hostess. All in all it’s been a big few weeks.

Having Alejandro here has been really fun, hard but fun. We have fought a few times... (this is where the Sound of Music song "getting to know you" comes in....) I am so out of practice of being a girlfriend its ridiculous... but we are stumbling our way through.

It has been SO much fun to rediscover Los Angeles. I made a list of the things I haven't done while I've lived here for the past 8 years and I have been starting to do them all. What fun. I went to the opera, and I snuck him onto the Universal lot, and gave him the Chase Carter tour, and we took a double Decker bus ride thru Hollywood (so much fun) and god knows how long it had been since I stood in front of the Chinese Mann and put my hands in the cement... we drove up the coast, we are going to LACMA today, and to a clipper game tomorrow.

It's been kinda jam packed but a lot of fun. And I am remembering how much fun I've had living in this town for the last 8 years.


I have been so looking forward to leaving and moving on I haven't even really stopped to think about all the shit I am leaving behind. Which is mostly just friends. But damn- it's hard to believe this chapter of my life is closing. I have the most amazing friends, and they are such a good support system, and such wonderful, kind, fun, like-minded people.

My brother and nikky threw me a birthday party last Sunday after noon. Very easy- just about 15- 20 people, pizza beer, that’s it. No big deal.

And do you know what those mother fuckers did for me? They all pitched in and raised over $1000 for me to buy a vespa when I get to Italy. Can you fucking believe that? Do you have any idea what it is like to look at $1000 in 20's, 10's, 5's and ones?

It was awesome. Anyway, they also wrote these notes to me about riding off into the sunset, and going to miss me and all of that kind of stuff, an it made me cry. For the first time since I decided to go, I realized that I am going to leave my people. My family, my peeps. I live and die by these people. How am I going to survive without them? I mean Jesus! The thought is almost unbearable.

There are so many of us in LA- anytime I ant to have just my closest friends it’s still like 20 people. Because that’s how big it is out here. and we've all known each other all out lives... and I am leaving that.

Because I have to , it really isn’t a choice. it's just sad. and hard, and scary.

But totally totally right.

ELEVEN THINGS I AM EMBARRESED ABOUT

I weighed myself for the first time in a long time today. I’ve officially hit 170. Brutal.

I just ate chocolate.

I’m addicted to 6 different TV shows. Ugly.

I am scared to move to Italy.

I am at this point right now where I know what needs to be done. And yet I am terrified. 3 months ago I would have been my usual paralyzed self. But right now I know there is action to be taken... and I am still scared. It’s so hard. It’s so big. In theory it’s so easy. Sell the car, rent the apt, sell my shit, pack the rest…. But yikes, I mean seriously. What am I doing? Am I serious? I know I don’t belong here any longer, but do I really belong there? A month ago I was positive I did- but now… what if I don’t? The thought is paralyzing… I am freaking out- and I don’t know who to tell, or even how to deal with it myself. When I came home everyone was so supportive as to me leaving- taking a risk – going for it. But I’m scared. It’s hard. It’s so much harder to do than to say.

Alejandro is coming here in19 days- and I am tripping. How will he like it? Will he be comfortable? Will I totally have to chaperone him? All these thoughts? How do I deal with them- where do I put them?

I met Alejandro when I was in fantasy land- and now I am in reality- and the thought of introducing him into my reality is really… Scary. More than that it’s terrifying. It’s almost paralyzing. I am trying to DO every Day. DO SOMETHING that furthers me along the path of leaving. I can’t tell you how intense the viewfinder of leaving has on this place. I am able to see this land- this LA- LA land so much clearer from the “I am almost out of here” view…. Its nuts.

I hate LA. I feel like I have lost. Like when I came here I thought I would win… but now somehow I think it’s defeated me. I am humbled so much by that thought. It almost keeps me up at night.

I can’t wait to leave my family. I want to be away from them. I am scared I will never want to come home. I am more afraid I might learn to miss them. What if I do decide to come home? I’ve never stuck my tail between my legs before… I’ve also never stuck my neck out this far.

I am nervous about Alejandro coming here. I want to do things my way- declare my own life. But I also want to accommodate home. I feel torn. I feel scared.

Number eleven:

I thought going to Italy would help me have it all figured out. And for a while I did. But now, being back I am starting to question everything. And that makes me feel very, very strange. I guess I just need to go again. Because it is only away from all of this that I can feel right. Cuz I definite y don’t feel right here in LA.

OVERLOAD

I think what I will miss most about living in America is the fun of multi tasking at once. And by that I mean this.

It’s Sunday night and I am sitting at home alone watching TV, reading Vanity Fair, downloading music, smoking cigarettes and writing emails ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I’m not sure Italy goes this fast. I don’t think it’s prepared for this kind of speed.

That’s ok though. Sometimes it’s cool to slow down.

SEXPERT

I’m not really the kind of person that works for free. I don’t volunteer or offer my time. I’m more of a “can I write you a check?” kinda gal. I like to donate- just not usually my time.

SO when I volunteered to work the merchandise table at a Martin Sexton (martinsexton.com) concert the other night I was pretty surprised with myself.

And even more surprising was that I had a fucking blast.

For one thing- I’m a huge Marty fan- I’ve seen about 10 of his shows and it’s always a pretty amazing experience. Marty is a singer songwriter type who has the MOST AMAZING voice- and a range that boarders on insane. Every time I have ever been to one of his shows I have always been nestled deep in the crowd quietly singing along and letting him rock my world.

Not this time. This time I was that girl behind the table during the entire show with a view of the stage a beer in my hand talking to people, selling shirts, cds, stickers and answering questions. I was sort of shocked how much I knew about his career and all his music… I had no idea I was such a Martin Sexton head.

But as the night wore on and people asked more and more specific questions about the tour, about what album is that song on- which bootleg is the best… I totally had all the answers, and when I didn’t I just sort of made it up- and because I was behind the merch table- and people believed me… It was hilarious.

Anyway at some point his manager came up and said- get out in the crowd- take a break. So I walked out during halleluiah and it was so bizarre… because once I was in the crowd I thought to myself “oh yea, I’ve done this before- I love this show…” it was really odd to be there- but having such a different experience.

It was as if, I was at his show, but not. But some how more. It was a great night.

Any way, I don't know that I will start voluteering for the fire department senior dance anytime soon. But it was pretty cool to do something nice for marty.

CATCHING UP

I didn’t really watch TV when I was in Europe. I mean, maybe from time to time in I saw some terrible variety show in Italian, or some shit in a hotel room or in a bar.

But today, in my hung over state I watched TV and movies, and ate Mexican and sat on my couch ALL DAY.

It was delicious. Today is my only day off this week- and I was hung over from Mimi’s Birthday party last night- and I just kinda needed to veg out.

Oh and I did. It was spectacular. I caught up on weeks and weeks of tivo. Saw season finales, season premieres… old sex in the city. I basically fit a month of TV into one day.

But now it’s 11:30pm and I’m going to bed. Because I have to go to work tomorrow. And I am suddenly back at work in the middle of a huge hard job- making money so I can leave.

Oh yes- and pretty big news- it’s official Alejandro is coming to the LA for his first ever American visit. He will be here for 10 days in November, for my birthday and thanksgiving.

It’s pretty fucking sweet.

It’s kinda like watching TV all day.

Only better.

OH YEA

I remember this life.

I remember getting up at 6 am for work, and having dinner with Mimi and Santiago, and dinner at my parent’s house, and sitting at my computer fucking around at work. I remember paying bills and balancing my checkbook. It wasn't THAT long ago that I cleaned the fucking shit out of my apartment (with my cleaning lady's help of course)- and went to Whole Foods and stocked up.... I remember what a burrito tastes like.

It seems so simple and easy to put the top down and drive around in this gorgeous weather and go thru the motions of my life here. I've been doing it for 8 years- of course I can. I remember why I've stayed here for so long- that house, my friends this weather... good god- it's easy here. And nice.

But sort of numbing too. It's strange to be back- here in my vacuous numb existence that is my life in LA. It's safe and warm and totally familiar. And I am instantaneously back.

Except this time- I have a trick up my sleeve and a love in my heart. And that makes me different. And strong. And defiantly NOT numb.

My time here is temporary- and that makes everything great. I have a lot to do, and I am working- and my mother and father are making it so easy for me to make this move- Letting me do whatever I need with my apartment-and totally being supportive. I didn’t realize how important that was to me- it’s making the transition easy...

And you know all signs point to this decision being right and good and healthy and ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.

And Alejandro has decided to come out for my birthday and thanksgiving. Which is totally awesome- because it relieves some of the pressure to GET OUT OF HERE... now I feel like I can take my time and do it right- and well- I get to see ali.

So....

So I am at work (working hard as you can see)... and I don't know. I had Italian for lunch.

3p today. I was at my desk working, kinda different than the past 7 weeks- but what are you gonna do- things change.

PACK WITH CARE

And so, after almost 7 weeks I travel back to Los Angeles this morning. I have been to 2 continents, 4 countries… and used exactly 56 different toilets.

I have packed and repacked the same 2 suitcases so many times over the past seven weeks- finding different arrangements for the same things.. each time I took such care thinking- what do I need on the next leg- how do I pack most effeciantly.. how can I do this so when I get there I don’t even have to open this bag… all this thought as to how to make it easier.

But this morning-

Fuck it. I just rammed shit everywhere- it was so satisfying. I didn’t fold, I didn’t plan- I just crammed it in- dirty socks and clean underware in the same section- (the horror!!) My carry on is the most mish moshed group of unessasry shit. But who fucking cares… soon I’ll be at home and I can turn the suitcases upside down on my living room floor and spill it all out if I want to.

Terrificly I am going to be in MY OWN SPACE tonight. And it always feels good to go home. Especially this home. I love my apartment so much. It’s really the greatest place I’ve ever lived…it’s the reason I haven’t moved for the past few years- this house- this home where my cats are so comftorable- and so am I….. I can’t believe I am giving it up. It makes me a little sad- the thought of leaving a house that I have put so much work into. It’s perfect really- I never need to leave this apartment.

Except that I do. Because it’s in the wrong city. And sometimes you have to go after something different than the comforts of home.

So today I don’t think about leaving- only returning. Because from time to time, all of us need to go home.

UP AND DOWN

At first I was so happy to be back- telling stories, sharing pictures... talking about Alejandro.

But then I had my first Friday night/ sat morning alone. And all the sad, depressed loneliness that has been so prevalent in my life in the past few years in America came back to me in a flash.

You see, when you want your life to change, you want it to change RIGHT AWAY. And I am in NYC for a few more days and I really can’t do anything here to get my life packed up and move onto Rome until I get back to LA. So last night and this morning I felt this overwhelming feeling of limbo, and boredom and missing Rome and Alejandro so much I thought I might break. Tears and anger. Why am I here? What was the point of coming to NYC, I just want to go home, sell my car, pack my house and get the fuck out of here. God I'm so sick of the states.

So I got up and thought “I have to get out of the house”. I took a shower, got dressed, put make up on and blow dried my hair- I was ready for a day in NYC. But then I had no one to meet, and didn't feel like going out to that dirty stinky city. So instead I sat down and cried my make up off.

What a girl.

Right in the middle of it Alejandro called. It's like he must have known. It made me feel so much better to know that he is sitting in Italy feeling the same way waiting for me to get back to him.

But what the real savior if the day was, was going to lunch with Megan. She's so rad and she just listened to me vent, and vented right back. At after a few hours I feel so much better. I feel restored, ready to take it all on again.

Sometimes, no matter how tough it gets, all you need is love to call in and an old friend to listen to.

I'm a lucky girl. Even if I it forget sometimes.

THE LADIES THE LADIES

It is such an amazing thing to have good women in your life. Especially when you've just fallen in love and all you want to do is gush about your boyfriend and look at pictures and watch video tape... and have them tell you how cute he is, and how sweet he seems and oh my god he's such a babe, and your so lucky and "tell me more tell me more"

I felt like I was in grease. You know, summer lovin, had me a blast.

I think I needed to tell them all about it to somehow validate it- make it real. Before then it was still all mine- just in my head- now it's out there- shared. Real.

And they were so good- oohing and ahhing at all the right times- listening to my every story so intently- the way only a group of your closest girls can.

Last night we were exactly the kind of scene all men wonder about when they ask "what do you girls talk about when you get together on ladies night?" Last night we were they...in FULL force.

It was exactly what I needed.

I have spoken a few times to my man- and it's tough. Long distance is a bitch and it's been years since I've done this. It's also been years since I cared enought to try... Talking on the phone sucks- and when calling italy it's also- EXPENSIVE. but fuck it right?

I do have to say that I LOVE text messages. I can totally send him notes all day and it's cheap.

This is gonna suck I can already tell. But I'mma do it.

Cuz love is worth it.

(oh my god someone shoot me I sound like I'm in some terrible romantic comedy with jessica alba or mandy moore or something...gag).

Anyway- I love my ladies and I want to say thank you to them for letting me fall into them.... love my girls. LOV-ING-AHH.

PICTURES

it you want to view some pics... this is where you can find them

http://www.flickr.com/photos/16677352@N00/

BACK IN THE BIG APPLE

So all good things must have a bookend...or at least this good thing does.

I am alive and well in NYC, I made it here fine. Took some uber drugs (thank you Vicki) and slept thru the entire flight.

Arrived into the arms of Miss Emily Henry and am about to go to sleep after being awake for what seems to be 25 hours. It is 6 am my time and I am exausted.

Will write more when I'm not so fucking tired.

Good god.

Right now I just miss Rome and I really miss Alejandro.

AHHHHHH.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME

So as it turns out it’s true.

While I was driving around in some of the neighboring villages of Rome I got a little lost- and I found myself on some strange road going in a direction which I was sure was AWAY from Rome… and lo and behold- the road took a turn and there it was – the sign.

Rome. This way.

So I took it. Cuz rome was the way I was going.

Tomorrow morning I will take the road away from Rome- but not for long. I will come back. A little later today I will go to the trevi fountain where I will toss an American quarter over my right shoulder to insure my return

It seems that all my life my roads have lead me to Rome.

Thank god. Today I feel really really happy. I was sad yesterday- but today I feel great. I am so grateful to have had this experience and to have been able to so totally open myself up and receive it. I would say this is the best time of my life…but that just feels so cliché. And quite frankly- I think I can do better. I feel for the first time in a long long while that the best is still yet to come.

I want to thank you all for reading my stories- and I will see you in the states.

Con Amor

Chase.

THE SADNESS SETS IN

Started crying this morning. Shit. Have no idea if I’ll ever be able to stop. All I want in the world is to come back here. I figure it’s at least 3 months… wait for the holidays- and then 2005 brings me back.

I have a huge list of things to do today- go back to the coliseum, buy that bag, get food and wine and coffee to bring home….. buy the apartment and vespa magazines, get a picture by the pyramid… and try not to cry.

Thank god so many of my girls will be in NYC to greet me with open arms. I am going to seriously need some support when I get home. Thank god for them.

So I am trying to keep my shit together so I can still be HERE for my last 2 days.

Anyway.

On a different note- I have been eating out so much lately and I haven’t really reported about it in a while- but the food is so amazing. Lamb chops, pasta with carbonara, and homemade ravioli, meet filled tortellini, tiramisu, gelato, oh my god the FUCKING WINE, and espressos, and crème caramel, and steak, and DID I SAY RED WINE, grappa is evil…, and mozzarella and fucking hell the pizza… oh god spinach, veal (yes veal, Mimi and santi can be proud)…it’s all just so good.

I had the pleasure of being pre menstrual last week and as a result went thru one of those- “I could eat and never stop” days. And so I just let myself. I had 5 meals that day. It was SO AWESOME. I didn’t really eat for about a day and a half after- but that one day I had panini, pizza, pasta, steak in red wine sauce, more pasta and then another slice of pizza. Rome is definitely the best place in the world to binge eat. Bulimics unite- I have found your Mecca.

Anyway. I am off. My last blog from Rome will be tomorrow.

See you all soon. Don’t panic if I’m different. Don’t panic if I’m not.

That’s actually a note to myself. Don’t panic. It’s just America. Don’t panic Chase. Don’t panic.

UNTITLED

Wow- went on a long drive yesterday to Tivoli and to all the neighboring villages- it was so breathtakingly beautiful. Found abandoned castles and little hillside villages- and long winding single lane country roads. Hopped a fence and stole grapes from a vineyards. Stared at a waterfall for hours…it was a great great day.

It’s total paradise here.

I can’t wait to come back and find a little apartment of my own- I actually found a village I wouldn’t mind living in a writing my memoirs in… I wish.

Does anyone have any contacts in Publishing? Seriously- I HAVE to come to Italy to write. I just need someone to pay me for it.

All is well- We went to THE MOST INCREDIBLE dinner for Alejandro’s birthday. His sister used to work there- it was on the top of a hill with this majestic view and it’s one of those places where you don’t order they just bring you food- holy shit it was out of control. Then we went driving thru the center at night- which is really amazing. The tiny roman alleys in the center are always so busy during the day but to have them all to yourself in the middle of the night is just the best.

I willed my cold away. I feel fine. I’m sure I’ll collapse when I get home. But until then….

I’m off time to have some coffee. (oh yes- for those of you that remember me as a decaf only girl…yea, that’s way fucking over- the Italians have shown me the perfected art of coffee. God bless them.)

Missing you all

c