Is it really the 14th of December? Jesus Christ it’s been a long time since I wrote… I mean I guess it’s only 8 days but that’s a lot for me… fuck man. LA. Being back here- fuck, I’ve slipped right back to where I was before I left and sometimes it feels like my time in Rome, my life there, and that whole experience didn’t even exist….
It’s fucking weird.
I think the jet lag is finally wearing off. I was in a state of exhaustion for about 2 weeks- seriously fucking tired.
I did the museum thing… what a relief to get that over with. I got 47 volunteers. I have no idea how I did it- working and being all jet lagged and weird… but I did it and the evening went great and blah blah blah…. I just felt like I could finally relax once it was over. That week building up to it was just brutal.
I hadn’t been back in the country for a week and there I was making upwards of 50 phone calls in a day- balancing budgets, multi tasking, going out with friends at night, Basketball games, dinner parties… I mean it was like my life here in LA was on hold, just waiting for me… and all I had to do was show up and it would just start again…
Like my life was a part in a play that some understudy had been performing for me for the last year… and now I am back, and while it was a little strange at first, automatic pilot took over – and I am here. Playing this part, being this person… doing this job, being this daughter, and this sister, and this friend…
And it’s nice and comfortable and all of that- I mean Jesus, I can’t tell you nice it is to HAVE THIS. HERE. STILL.
But.
But I don’t know… feels kinda tired, and I feel kinda like this is just a means to an end. Come here, make money, move on.
I was talking to an old friend who (after telling me I looked simply exhausted) was hoping I would take care of myself in the next few weeks and that I would remember all the things I had learned and the ways I had changed and that I wouldn’t just let myself slip back into my old ways…
And I was trying to explain to her, that while I would love to have time for myself and have the nice relaxing pace I’ve had for the last year… I don’t know how to do that here-
How am I not going to go to dinner with Mimi and Damaris next Monday? How am I not going to go to Harry’s birthday party cuz I have to get up at 5am? (Oh wait I did that last night and have felt guilty all day. And MORE than guilty, I feel like I missed something…) because I WANT to go to Harry’s birthday, and I WANT to go to the Clipper games with Max, and to Thursday night to watch Lost on Tivo with my friends… I mean who wouldn’t?
It’s fun to have a social life… it’s just fucking exhausting.
Anyway.
I am home and I am fucking KNEE DEEP IN THE HOOPLA. Looking so forward to Christmas- cant wait to go to Colorado and get the fuck out of LA again.. taking my cats (my poor cats… they are so cool, so tough, so awesome… what a team we 3…). I think I am excited for Colorado because it is comfortable and familiar but I don’t have adult patterns there, and I can’t wait to have a little nature in my life, and finally- I just can’t wait to kiss those two little boys. I just can’t fucking wait.
So for now I am at work, making some stupid insurance commercial. Sitting on an apple box, in the sun, on a back lot in LA, surrounded by fake houses, watching my life go by.
Because that’s what I do in LA.
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