well its official, like really really official.
My car now belongs to someone else. It's paid for, I've cancled my insurance and today a nice vegan named Jason drove it away.
Thank you sweet car for being so good to me.
I will miss you.
Sweet land of Vespas.... here I come.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Friday, November 26, 2004
IT'S BEEN A WHILE
since I've blogged. I've been kinda nuts. Something about America that keeps me so fucking busy.
I sold my car, I sublet my apartment (furnished) starting Jan 1st for 5 months. I got rid of 90% of my clothes, I've been selling cds, I sold my art dept kit... I turned 29, and organized a fundraiser at the Santa Monica Museum of Art. And Alejandro came to the states to which I've been playing serious hostess. All in all it’s been a big few weeks.
Having Alejandro here has been really fun, hard but fun. We have fought a few times... (this is where the Sound of Music song "getting to know you" comes in....) I am so out of practice of being a girlfriend its ridiculous... but we are stumbling our way through.
It has been SO much fun to rediscover Los Angeles. I made a list of the things I haven't done while I've lived here for the past 8 years and I have been starting to do them all. What fun. I went to the opera, and I snuck him onto the Universal lot, and gave him the Chase Carter tour, and we took a double Decker bus ride thru Hollywood (so much fun) and god knows how long it had been since I stood in front of the Chinese Mann and put my hands in the cement... we drove up the coast, we are going to LACMA today, and to a clipper game tomorrow.
It's been kinda jam packed but a lot of fun. And I am remembering how much fun I've had living in this town for the last 8 years.
I have been so looking forward to leaving and moving on I haven't even really stopped to think about all the shit I am leaving behind. Which is mostly just friends. But damn- it's hard to believe this chapter of my life is closing. I have the most amazing friends, and they are such a good support system, and such wonderful, kind, fun, like-minded people.
My brother and nikky threw me a birthday party last Sunday after noon. Very easy- just about 15- 20 people, pizza beer, that’s it. No big deal.
And do you know what those mother fuckers did for me? They all pitched in and raised over $1000 for me to buy a vespa when I get to Italy. Can you fucking believe that? Do you have any idea what it is like to look at $1000 in 20's, 10's, 5's and ones?
It was awesome. Anyway, they also wrote these notes to me about riding off into the sunset, and going to miss me and all of that kind of stuff, an it made me cry. For the first time since I decided to go, I realized that I am going to leave my people. My family, my peeps. I live and die by these people. How am I going to survive without them? I mean Jesus! The thought is almost unbearable.
There are so many of us in LA- anytime I ant to have just my closest friends it’s still like 20 people. Because that’s how big it is out here. and we've all known each other all out lives... and I am leaving that.
Because I have to , it really isn’t a choice. it's just sad. and hard, and scary.
But totally totally right.
I sold my car, I sublet my apartment (furnished) starting Jan 1st for 5 months. I got rid of 90% of my clothes, I've been selling cds, I sold my art dept kit... I turned 29, and organized a fundraiser at the Santa Monica Museum of Art. And Alejandro came to the states to which I've been playing serious hostess. All in all it’s been a big few weeks.
Having Alejandro here has been really fun, hard but fun. We have fought a few times... (this is where the Sound of Music song "getting to know you" comes in....) I am so out of practice of being a girlfriend its ridiculous... but we are stumbling our way through.
It has been SO much fun to rediscover Los Angeles. I made a list of the things I haven't done while I've lived here for the past 8 years and I have been starting to do them all. What fun. I went to the opera, and I snuck him onto the Universal lot, and gave him the Chase Carter tour, and we took a double Decker bus ride thru Hollywood (so much fun) and god knows how long it had been since I stood in front of the Chinese Mann and put my hands in the cement... we drove up the coast, we are going to LACMA today, and to a clipper game tomorrow.
It's been kinda jam packed but a lot of fun. And I am remembering how much fun I've had living in this town for the last 8 years.
I have been so looking forward to leaving and moving on I haven't even really stopped to think about all the shit I am leaving behind. Which is mostly just friends. But damn- it's hard to believe this chapter of my life is closing. I have the most amazing friends, and they are such a good support system, and such wonderful, kind, fun, like-minded people.
My brother and nikky threw me a birthday party last Sunday after noon. Very easy- just about 15- 20 people, pizza beer, that’s it. No big deal.
And do you know what those mother fuckers did for me? They all pitched in and raised over $1000 for me to buy a vespa when I get to Italy. Can you fucking believe that? Do you have any idea what it is like to look at $1000 in 20's, 10's, 5's and ones?
It was awesome. Anyway, they also wrote these notes to me about riding off into the sunset, and going to miss me and all of that kind of stuff, an it made me cry. For the first time since I decided to go, I realized that I am going to leave my people. My family, my peeps. I live and die by these people. How am I going to survive without them? I mean Jesus! The thought is almost unbearable.
There are so many of us in LA- anytime I ant to have just my closest friends it’s still like 20 people. Because that’s how big it is out here. and we've all known each other all out lives... and I am leaving that.
Because I have to , it really isn’t a choice. it's just sad. and hard, and scary.
But totally totally right.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
ELEVEN THINGS I AM EMBARRESED ABOUT
I weighed myself for the first time in a long time today. I’ve officially hit 170. Brutal.
I just ate chocolate.
I’m addicted to 6 different TV shows. Ugly.
I am scared to move to Italy.
I am at this point right now where I know what needs to be done. And yet I am terrified. 3 months ago I would have been my usual paralyzed self. But right now I know there is action to be taken... and I am still scared. It’s so hard. It’s so big. In theory it’s so easy. Sell the car, rent the apt, sell my shit, pack the rest…. But yikes, I mean seriously. What am I doing? Am I serious? I know I don’t belong here any longer, but do I really belong there? A month ago I was positive I did- but now… what if I don’t? The thought is paralyzing… I am freaking out- and I don’t know who to tell, or even how to deal with it myself. When I came home everyone was so supportive as to me leaving- taking a risk – going for it. But I’m scared. It’s hard. It’s so much harder to do than to say.
Alejandro is coming here in19 days- and I am tripping. How will he like it? Will he be comfortable? Will I totally have to chaperone him? All these thoughts? How do I deal with them- where do I put them?
I met Alejandro when I was in fantasy land- and now I am in reality- and the thought of introducing him into my reality is really… Scary. More than that it’s terrifying. It’s almost paralyzing. I am trying to DO every Day. DO SOMETHING that furthers me along the path of leaving. I can’t tell you how intense the viewfinder of leaving has on this place. I am able to see this land- this LA- LA land so much clearer from the “I am almost out of here” view…. Its nuts.
I hate LA. I feel like I have lost. Like when I came here I thought I would win… but now somehow I think it’s defeated me. I am humbled so much by that thought. It almost keeps me up at night.
I can’t wait to leave my family. I want to be away from them. I am scared I will never want to come home. I am more afraid I might learn to miss them. What if I do decide to come home? I’ve never stuck my tail between my legs before… I’ve also never stuck my neck out this far.
I am nervous about Alejandro coming here. I want to do things my way- declare my own life. But I also want to accommodate home. I feel torn. I feel scared.
Number eleven:
I thought going to Italy would help me have it all figured out. And for a while I did. But now, being back I am starting to question everything. And that makes me feel very, very strange. I guess I just need to go again. Because it is only away from all of this that I can feel right. Cuz I definite y don’t feel right here in LA.
I just ate chocolate.
I’m addicted to 6 different TV shows. Ugly.
I am scared to move to Italy.
I am at this point right now where I know what needs to be done. And yet I am terrified. 3 months ago I would have been my usual paralyzed self. But right now I know there is action to be taken... and I am still scared. It’s so hard. It’s so big. In theory it’s so easy. Sell the car, rent the apt, sell my shit, pack the rest…. But yikes, I mean seriously. What am I doing? Am I serious? I know I don’t belong here any longer, but do I really belong there? A month ago I was positive I did- but now… what if I don’t? The thought is paralyzing… I am freaking out- and I don’t know who to tell, or even how to deal with it myself. When I came home everyone was so supportive as to me leaving- taking a risk – going for it. But I’m scared. It’s hard. It’s so much harder to do than to say.
Alejandro is coming here in19 days- and I am tripping. How will he like it? Will he be comfortable? Will I totally have to chaperone him? All these thoughts? How do I deal with them- where do I put them?
I met Alejandro when I was in fantasy land- and now I am in reality- and the thought of introducing him into my reality is really… Scary. More than that it’s terrifying. It’s almost paralyzing. I am trying to DO every Day. DO SOMETHING that furthers me along the path of leaving. I can’t tell you how intense the viewfinder of leaving has on this place. I am able to see this land- this LA- LA land so much clearer from the “I am almost out of here” view…. Its nuts.
I hate LA. I feel like I have lost. Like when I came here I thought I would win… but now somehow I think it’s defeated me. I am humbled so much by that thought. It almost keeps me up at night.
I can’t wait to leave my family. I want to be away from them. I am scared I will never want to come home. I am more afraid I might learn to miss them. What if I do decide to come home? I’ve never stuck my tail between my legs before… I’ve also never stuck my neck out this far.
I am nervous about Alejandro coming here. I want to do things my way- declare my own life. But I also want to accommodate home. I feel torn. I feel scared.
Number eleven:
I thought going to Italy would help me have it all figured out. And for a while I did. But now, being back I am starting to question everything. And that makes me feel very, very strange. I guess I just need to go again. Because it is only away from all of this that I can feel right. Cuz I definite y don’t feel right here in LA.
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