Tuesday, November 02, 2004


I weighed myself for the first time in a long time today. I’ve officially hit 170. Brutal.

I just ate chocolate.

I’m addicted to 6 different TV shows. Ugly.

I am scared to move to Italy.

I am at this point right now where I know what needs to be done. And yet I am terrified. 3 months ago I would have been my usual paralyzed self. But right now I know there is action to be taken... and I am still scared. It’s so hard. It’s so big. In theory it’s so easy. Sell the car, rent the apt, sell my shit, pack the rest…. But yikes, I mean seriously. What am I doing? Am I serious? I know I don’t belong here any longer, but do I really belong there? A month ago I was positive I did- but now… what if I don’t? The thought is paralyzing… I am freaking out- and I don’t know who to tell, or even how to deal with it myself. When I came home everyone was so supportive as to me leaving- taking a risk – going for it. But I’m scared. It’s hard. It’s so much harder to do than to say.

Alejandro is coming here in19 days- and I am tripping. How will he like it? Will he be comfortable? Will I totally have to chaperone him? All these thoughts? How do I deal with them- where do I put them?

I met Alejandro when I was in fantasy land- and now I am in reality- and the thought of introducing him into my reality is really… Scary. More than that it’s terrifying. It’s almost paralyzing. I am trying to DO every Day. DO SOMETHING that furthers me along the path of leaving. I can’t tell you how intense the viewfinder of leaving has on this place. I am able to see this land- this LA- LA land so much clearer from the “I am almost out of here” view…. Its nuts.

I hate LA. I feel like I have lost. Like when I came here I thought I would win… but now somehow I think it’s defeated me. I am humbled so much by that thought. It almost keeps me up at night.

I can’t wait to leave my family. I want to be away from them. I am scared I will never want to come home. I am more afraid I might learn to miss them. What if I do decide to come home? I’ve never stuck my tail between my legs before… I’ve also never stuck my neck out this far.

I am nervous about Alejandro coming here. I want to do things my way- declare my own life. But I also want to accommodate home. I feel torn. I feel scared.

Number eleven:

I thought going to Italy would help me have it all figured out. And for a while I did. But now, being back I am starting to question everything. And that makes me feel very, very strange. I guess I just need to go again. Because it is only away from all of this that I can feel right. Cuz I definite y don’t feel right here in LA.

1 comment:

elle said...

Ohmygod, Chase, I totally know what you're going through!

I was in the same place 4 years ago (when I was the same age you are now, coincidentally). I was totally burned out on L.A. and seriously considered moving to London. When I finally took the leap and left L.A. in 2001, I opted to stay domestic and moved to Portland, OR.

And I never looked back.

Although I miss my L.A. friends, I've never given that soul-sucking city a moment of thought. And for the first time, instead of ASPIRING to be something... I'm actually BECOMING something! In Portland, I am happier, healthier, and more fulfilled.

Trust me, Chase, leaving L.A. will be the best thing you've ever done for your spirit. You will lose that feeling that L.A. defeated you and realize you actually defeated L.A. - by breaking free of its grasp, carving your own path, and living a more authentic life.

And Europe! What a perfect place to start living a more authentic life!

And here's the thing: if things don't work out for you in Italy, if you decide to return to L.A., it doesn't mean that L.A. won or that you failed. It's still a victory for you, because you took that risk - and had a grand adventure!

I'm so proud of you, Ditto. You're at a turning point in your life. Whatever happens, you will be a better, stronger, more well-rounded person for taking this leap. Consider it a birthday present to yourself.

Buona avventura! And BUNCHIES!