I weighed myself for the first time in a long time today. I’ve officially hit 170. Brutal.
I just ate chocolate.
I’m addicted to 6 different TV shows. Ugly.
I am scared to move to Italy.
I am at this point right now where I know what needs to be done. And yet I am terrified. 3 months ago I would have been my usual paralyzed self. But right now I know there is action to be taken... and I am still scared. It’s so hard. It’s so big. In theory it’s so easy. Sell the car, rent the apt, sell my shit, pack the rest…. But yikes, I mean seriously. What am I doing? Am I serious? I know I don’t belong here any longer, but do I really belong there? A month ago I was positive I did- but now… what if I don’t? The thought is paralyzing… I am freaking out- and I don’t know who to tell, or even how to deal with it myself. When I came home everyone was so supportive as to me leaving- taking a risk – going for it. But I’m scared. It’s hard. It’s so much harder to do than to say.
Alejandro is coming here in19 days- and I am tripping. How will he like it? Will he be comfortable? Will I totally have to chaperone him? All these thoughts? How do I deal with them- where do I put them?
I met Alejandro when I was in fantasy land- and now I am in reality- and the thought of introducing him into my reality is really… Scary. More than that it’s terrifying. It’s almost paralyzing. I am trying to DO every Day. DO SOMETHING that furthers me along the path of leaving. I can’t tell you how intense the viewfinder of leaving has on this place. I am able to see this land- this LA- LA land so much clearer from the “I am almost out of here” view…. Its nuts.
I hate LA. I feel like I have lost. Like when I came here I thought I would win… but now somehow I think it’s defeated me. I am humbled so much by that thought. It almost keeps me up at night.
I can’t wait to leave my family. I want to be away from them. I am scared I will never want to come home. I am more afraid I might learn to miss them. What if I do decide to come home? I’ve never stuck my tail between my legs before… I’ve also never stuck my neck out this far.
I am nervous about Alejandro coming here. I want to do things my way- declare my own life. But I also want to accommodate home. I feel torn. I feel scared.
I thought going to Italy would help me have it all figured out. And for a while I did. But now, being back I am starting to question everything. And that makes me feel very, very strange. I guess I just need to go again. Because it is only away from all of this that I can feel right. Cuz I definite y don’t feel right here in LA.