SOLDI SOLDI

I hate shopping.

I always have.

I am one of those shoppers that always puts it off until I absolutely have to go… you know, I wait until I am down to a few ragged pair of underwear, and I finally breakdown and say fuck it, and go to the Gap Body. I walk in, throw 10 of the exact same size and color on the counter and run for my life.

My mother is the only person I shop with. She is probably the only person in the last 5 years I have tried clothes on in front of. She makes shopping easier for me. She’s fast, has good taste and often pays for things. Somehow it’s not as bad with her.

But lets face it, it’s always pretty bad. Especially because, number one: I don’t have a lot of money to buy whatever I want, and number two: I don’t have a body shape or size that stores tend to favor. So shopping sucks. I can’t fit into anything, and when I do I can’t afford it.

Shopping is evil.

Ok. So I am performing a wedding next month in New Jersey. (for those of you that don't know I am an ordained Minister and my cousin has asked me to perform her wedding, which will be my third). So I have this wedding and I don’t know what I’m going to wear… and normal, it’s like fuck it, I don’t give a shit, recycle clothes, no worried, everyone is looking at the bride anyway. But see, IM THE FUCKING REVEREND., it’s not like I am going to just blend in and be anonymous. I’m pretty sure I will get noticed.. I’d say there is a pretty good chance at least everyone at the wedding will be staring in my general direction for about 10 minutes during the ceremony. Shit

So I have a skirt I can use, and I am totally gonna wear the stand by comfort heals,… that just leaves the shirt. It’s all about the top, which is easier for me than bottoms, so that much is good I guess.

Here’s the rub.

IM IN ROME.

If I thought shopping in the US was bad… holy fuck,.

Stores in Rome are like Beverly Hills on Meth. All the clothes are size fuck you, and so are the prices. I mean SERIOUSLY. And the women working are so mean it’s amazing… really amazing. I’m not intimidated very easily, but I went into a store today and oh my god, I thought they were going to call Interpol on me or something… how dare a person like me DARE to shop in their store…

And now that my Italian is better I can now understand, that no, I’m not being paranoid, they really are talking about me. AWESOME.

God damn I hate shopping. I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. Unfortunately I neither have a very wealth sugar daddy or an ass you could crack a walnut on, so it was kind or a sham in the end for me.

There are only 2 reasons I have any clothes at all. One: my mother. Two: I know where to go at home for what I want when I need it. So when I absolutely have to I can do the old in/out move and get said desired items.

Ahhhhh. SO now we have come to the crux of my problem.

I need something, and I don’t know where to go to find it which means, sadly enough.. I will be forced to…BROWSE.

Is there nothing worse than this? I think not. Wandering for hours looking at one store after another filled with my insecurities and loathing,

I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I wouldn’t give for the familiar comforts of the fancy department at Banana Republic right now.