A JOKE

did you hear about the guy who thought he was a moth?

He went to the doctor and says "doc, I think I'm a moth",

and the MD says, "that's not really my specialty, you should go see a shrink"

and the guy says, "I know, I was on my way, but I saw that your light was on"

DOES ANYONE ELSE

Find it funny that two words I can’t spell are business and career?

Without spell-check I would get those two wrong each and every time.

I think it’s perfect.

RECOVERING

Yea I was in the mood for rowdy… and I got it. Holy shit. Not once but twice.

Really fun. Highlights include dancing on tables, breaking a TV in a taxi, walking down via Cavour at 6am (have great pictures), a very very hairy Italian ass crack (also captured on digital film), some French girl named Elodine, and a hung over dog hair that turned into the whole damn dog.

Fucking happy days. Fun times. Indeed.

Would like to think it’s gonna calm down for me… but that’s a fucking joke. Leisa Inman is in town this week- it’s her birthday on Monday, then it’s Suzie’s birthday next weekend, then Zoë Foster is coming in for 4 days (HOORAY!!!! SO SO EXCITED), and two days after she leaves my entire family on my dad’s side (the Carters) arrive for the weekend.

So fuck it. I’m just gonna turn this party up to a nice respectable level. Because I know it, and you know it, and everybody here knows it, and above all, I deserve it. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that this party is about to become a historical fact. But don’t worry mom, I won’t hurt anyone, I won’t even touch em. I’m just gonna make ‘em cry a little. Just by lookin’ at em.

HAVING A HANKERING

It's friday afternoon and I am feeling the grind of a 5 day work week creeping up on me. I've never had a job that made me work weekdays before... no wonder so many people want to blow their fucking head off. Not that reading scripts and watching movies is all that bad of a fucking job... it's just... how do people live without weekdays off? Anyway.

I think I am going to go out and get kinda rowdy this weekend. Feeling it on the deep and down. Somethings just need to be done. I read so many scripts this week, and screened one TERRIBLE movie after another... where do these fucking people with their terrible movies come from? (oh wait, I AM one...)

Anyway. Time to blow off some steam- as only me and the ex-pats can.

There are those that can't do. They teach.

This weekend not only will I do... but they be teaching future generations about it.

ha.

HOLY FUCKING TRAFFIC

For the record, I don’t think I have ever seen traffic like I saw tonight… what normally takes 10 minutes to ride on my Vespa from work to my house took me OVER AN HOUR. And that’s on a fucking motorino… I bet it would have take 3 hours or more in a car….

I’ve NEVER seen anything like it before.

It was so bad I actually thought the terrorists had blown something up, and I just hadn’t heard about it yet…. I mean it was brutal. I still don’t really know why it was so bad… a huge rain storm in the afternoon caused some massive floods and several accidents…

I mean, I guess. It was wild.

Normally you see cars all lines up- think of the 405 right? This was totally different- every possible inch of the street was filled with car, truck, van, bus, motorino… pedestrian…. Each going different directions… All so smashed in that you literally couldn’t get thru…

Italians have a very loose grasp on the whole “block the box” concept… meaning they don’t have one. You know those MC Escher drawings where every shape co-mingles so tightly each going a different direction so that after a while they become one solid mass.

Yea, Italian traffic. It’s kinda like that.

It was like the worst I’ve seen in New York and LA times about 100.

It was awesome.

But at least it wasn’t raining, like it was on the way to work. I got so unfucking believably wet. At one point I was so absurdly wet, my glasses were fogged and my face soaked- the top of my jeans were soaked all the way thru- my rain coat was simply emptying onto my lap. I considered pulling over to wait it out- but I would have been late… and for some reason I decided to trudge thru it. So I said fuck it, and I cranked my ipod to some serious classical music and just embraced it.

I Laughed and screamed the whole way there…. It was amazing. In a totally stupid absurd ridiculous my-kind-of way.

COMMENTS

And to think I almost didn’t even post those midnight rambles… I’m glad I did. Thank you Amy and Roberto… you must have sensed I needed a comment or two. (something other than advertising on blog commenting… hate that)

It seems silly to rant on when Caroline’s parents and so many other have lost everything they owned… so many people lost their lives, and here we wait while Rita moves in… Jesus.

At any rate thank you, you remind me of what IS in LA. And that is most of the people I love most in the world. I’m so lucky to have all you amazing talented bastards (especially you two) in my life…. And that’s the reason I can stand it there for 3 months, or at all.

But I’m not there yet. Am I?

I awoke to a crisp fall day. It seems over night fall has descended here in Rome… Afternoon rains, chilly nights and cool crisp mornings. Work is in full swing right now- so I had two scripts to read today… which kept me in bed with the cats all morning… cuddled up and laughing. Finally TWO hilarious scripts… (I will omit the part about screening the worst film of all time… wow- some people just shouldn’t quit their day jobs).

Come lunchtime I jumped on Luigi and on my way to the store found a Korean market… it was so close to my house, I can’t believe I had never seen it before… I went nuts- tofu, mushrooms, sesame oil… wow. I can home and made a stir fry feast (thank you Penelope for leaving the wok..) Holy yum. OTIF right here in Rome. (Other Than Italian Food… is what that bad boy stands for, it’s what us WOP’s say…)

It was such a small thing, but finding something new today, right when I was all tumultuous about leaving… but damn it was great. Not making me want to stay, or leave… it just, made me happy. Complete. Imagine that. A Korean market making you feel complete. How delightfully simple I can be.

At work I use a PC. I have been a MAC user since I was in 3rd grade. It is a point of pride that finally after 5 months I finally figured out how to change my desktop picture. (Understand the computer is in Italian as an added bonus of difficulty). I put a picture of my godsons up. So no matter how silly I get with my desires to be more, go farther, be different, I can look at the boys and know…they are the light at the end of my tunnel.

Going back to LA is only a means to get to them.

And I can’t wait. But I refuse to let this precious moment pass by.

Everything is just so delicious isn’t it?

PS: Life on Mars by David Bowie is really a great fucking song. Seriously.

I'M LYING HERE

It’s 1am and I can’t sleep. It was a year ago I lied in bed, not far from here, unable to sleep. Tossing and turning thinking about picking up and moving to Rome. And here I am literally, just down the street, a year later, thinking about moving back.

My mind is racing. What will I do with that comforter I bought? How much do I give away, can I afford to ship my vespa home, will it pass a California smog test, should I bring it to Colorado? what I do I do with my coffee maker and TV? God, do I even want to come back? Is this permanent, am I really going back? Do I have to go to LA? Really? Fuck man, I want to go to Colorado, New York, some small tropical island, sure as shit not fucking LA…

The Russian just went to bed. Thank god. I miss Penelope. The Russian talks too much.

I told her today she has to move out earlier than expected. And I told the other girl that was going to be my new roommate not to bother, I was leaving for an indefinite amount of time. She wants to rent my vespa “while I’m gone”

What does that mean, while I’m gone? Do I really want to leave?

I guess I do. It’s just. I like it here so much, and what about my job? I mean, yea it’s not enough money, but I really really like it. I love reading scripts and talking about movies all day for a living. Too bad it’s not A LIVING. That’s the whole problem isn’t it. It’s not enough money it’s just fun. I like acquisitions and development. Maybe I haven’t pushed myself hard enough. Maybe I could have gotten more out of this time…

But what more? Wasn’t this whole time in Rome about NOT pushing myself for once, wasn’t it about resting and finding stillness, and letting my ego rest? Didn’t I do that? Why am I freaking out?

I am kinda. Freaking out.

I don’t think I want to go back to LA. I don’t think I want to turn 30 and move in with my parents a week later. I don’t think I want to go out and watch all the people I love slowly drink themselves to death. I don’t think I want that mediocre life of mine back in LA…

I think I’m just feeling whiny. I think I am just pre menstrual. I think I’m tired and don’t want to have to take a sleeping pill to sleep again tonight. (fucking jet lag… it’s been like 6 days….)

I don’t know. I’m tired, and Pete is snoring for gods sakes.

Maybe I should leave early. Maybe I shouldn’t leave at all.

WHAT A STRANGE LITTLE LIFE I HAVE.

So I am back in Rome.

Got in the other day, and it was really like coming back to real life. I guess I really do live here now.

My vacuum cleaner is broken. I have bills to pay, I need to resign my lease, I start work on Monday. Back to life. Yuck.

Not that this life is all that bad at all.

Got a new roommate. She’s a Russian. Her name is Julia. She lived in Russia for her first 11 years and then in Santa Cruz. Just my luck, a Russian surfer chick. She's ok- not spectacular, (she aint no Penelope) but I think she's gonna be fine. She seems nice enough, and whatever- you know?

Anyway.

It's kinda weird to be back. Now that I know I am leaving, in December, and probably not coming back for a while- I feel weird.

I really don’t want to tell my friends. It took me so long to get them to open up, and now I’m just gonna bail on them? Shit. I mean, sure I can come back and visit… but I feel like a traitor. Like by planning to leave I am breaking some sacred ex-pat code.

This is of course a bit melodramatic… but I do feel this way somewhat…

Anyway- tonight is Notte Bianca. I was here for this last year. Amazing that I am starting to write about things a year later, and still in Rome. Actually come to think of it, I’ve been blogging for over a year, oh and yes, I’ve also been in Rome for a year now (not consecutively of course) but I first came here over a year ago.

What a strange little life I have.

This is from a blog I wrote almost exactly a year ago today:

“I want to be here- I like this life- I want to get paid to write and live in Rome. I want to learn to speak Italian and I want to be an ex pat. I want to be away from all the things that I hate in America- I want to learn to appreciate America again.
I want to live in Rome. And take weekend trips to sienna and Tuscany and I don’t know- everywhere. I want to do it.
I can- I mean- I think I can.
What the fuck? For so long I have come up with excuses- not to act, not to direct, not to do any of the things I want to do- no more.
I want to change my life.
And I’m the only one that can do that.”

That’s the great part about blogging- you can always go back and look thru. I mean I have really come full circle from that. For one thing I live in Rome, I have gone to Tuscany and I am learning to speak Italian and I am an ex-pat… and dare I say it, I have even begun to appreciate America again. (gasp!)

But more than that I have taken the reigns of my life and owned them, taken responsibility for them. And it’s pretty fucking cool. I wish I could stay in rome, but financially it just isn’t happening here.

So I guess that means Its time to come home.

A few more months and then it’s me and lil ol America…. It’s gonna be good. But these days, it’s always good. In fact it’s been this good for over a year now… wow.

HAPPY DAYS

Whoa. What a couple of week. I swear I feel like life couldn’t get any better.

I sometimes wonder why I get to be so lucky. Why me? How is it possible? Not a day has passed in literally months when I don’t pause and realize, I FEEL HAPPY.

Really Really happy.

It’s magnificent. Everything I ever wanted, I have, I need for nothing. I am so blessed with friends and it feels so good.

Being back in the States has been pretty wild.

The wedding was a blast. I mean, top 5 weddings of my life, really fun, really rowdy, really crazy. The ceremony was beautiful… just about every relative I have came up to me afterwards and told me it was lovely, and wanted to know if I had a parish or what. HA!

The late night crowd was in full effect. I will say only this. I have trashed some hotel rooms in my life, but this one takes the cake. It was a proud moment for derelicts everywhere.

The day after the wedding was one of the best days of my life. Me and my family, and the rowdy kids from the night before, my grandpa and his brothers family all in my Aunt’s backyard lighting fireworks in the daytime, eating pizza, hanging out, laughing- god the laughing… haven’t laughed that hard since the last time I was around the people I loved the most in the world… felt so good.

Then I went to the Cape. 5 days in a gorgeous house on the beach with my mom, my aunt, Nikki and Damaris. Holy fucking great. We went to the beach, we did jig saw puzzles (including the hardest one Nikky or I have ever bothered to complete.,) we read, and ate Lobster, we played mini golf… it was amazing. Then my dad and Uncle showed up… It was just SO FUCKING GOOD.

And all the while New Orleans continued to drown.

There is nowhere like the states to make me feel so entirely, whatever this feeling is. Guilty, ashamed, confused, HELPLESS? Man I hate this government.

Being here, I’ve been thinking a lot about coming home for the next year.

I think I am going to be in LA for the winter (YIKES) to work for the man and make some money, and then be in Colorado next spring and summer and maybe even NYC next fall? I don’t know. But I want to be with my god sons more than anything else in the world, and I ache for the country… so I think I am going to give myself the gift of the babies in Colorado next spring. Me, mud-pies and mountains. Happy Days.

But I have to say I have serious reservations about being a part of this country again. I mean, part of me has never left, but do I really want to be paying taxes to a president who makes his vacation in the middle of a war a priority over the single greatest natural disaster in this country’s history? I’m just not sure that’s a corporation I want to support…

I’ve loved being so far away. But I miss my real friends. Being around Damaris is like remembering how to breathe again. I’m just better when she’s around. I miss that, you know?

Anyway. To quote Lloyd Dobbler I “Can’t figure it all out right now sir. Just kinda hanging with your daughter.”

But for now I am in NYC. Been staying with Vicki, spent a wonderful afternoon with Brent yesterday, went to Justin Dragonas’s birthday party, saw a real movie IN A THEATER… New York is fun.

I love this town. And I kinda wanna come here for a few months so I can see my friends for more than just an afternoon a lunch or a drink. It would be nice to actually spend some time with these people. (to have time to see my most secret loyal reader, you know who you are…)

I don’t know.

I do think my new career is to be around the people I love as much as possible. It may not be the most financially responsible thing I have ever done, but at least I’ll be happy.

And man, right now I am. I am just so fucking happy.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. But, what a lucky girl I am…

KNEE DEEP IN THE HOOPLA

So here I am… in Crazy-ass New Jersey. I swear to god New Jersey is like a different country. It’s like a twisted subculture the likes of which gods not seen. And my Aunts house is the zeitgeist. Ground Zero. New Jersey-ites are the strangest people on earth (think Sopranos except more white trash) … It’s all a bit much.

I think I thought- “oh I’m going back to the states- I’m going home.”

I AM DEFINITELY NOT HOME.

Holy fucking shit.

But all that being said, I’m having a pretty good time. It’s fun to be here in the land of the insane. My cousin is getting married in a few hours, and I am performing the ceremony.

I guess I’m ready. I mean, I’m kinda nervous- it’s a pretty big wedding, and it’s my entire family on my moms side. Yikes.

Remember Sixteen Candles? The house the morning of the wedding- that’s us, literally. There are 9 of us at my aunts house, sharing one bathroom, 6 cars, 2 cats, 2 dogs and several hangovers… It’s ridiculous. My uncle smoking ciggarettes and making bacon, Carter and TJ building a sculpture out of lawn furniture wasted at 4 in the morning...( they actually TP'd the backyard) it's beyond beyond.

Meanwhile- New Orleans is underwater, families are displaced, people are being raped, shit is being looted, water moccasins are rocking out with floating coffins- the levee is down and the end of the world is upon us…. And there’s Bush, looking like an asshole and thinking about golf and oil. What a dick.

Anyway.

I gotta go- I have a wedding to perform. Andiamo.