KINDA TRIPPING OUT

I’m starting to freak out a little bit about leaving. It’s resolved and it’s official, I am leaving Rome. Dec 1st. And it’s dawning on me that I am soon enough going to be back in the States and this life, and this apartment, my job and these people will all be a part of my past.
And, as is normal with moves like these, I have begun to evaluate my time here- what it meant, what I learned, why and if and how I move on- emotionally physically- etc.
And, as I may or may not have mentioned, my friend Leisa Inman has been in and out of town for the past 3 weeks. (Travelling throughout Italy, using Rome as a home base). But she is leaving tomorrow, and being the dope sister that she is, she is taking a suitcase home for me. Mostly summer clothes, some fancy shit I’m not gonna wear, extra bathroom shit that- being that I have zero minus two months left, I won’t use up.
And packing that bag today? It totally bummed me out.
I mean, I’m excited to move on- new heights, new stuff… the boys (!!!!!!!!!) I’m looking forward to Colorado so much. Kinda freaking out about LA actually. I’m ready to move FORWARD not backwards.
I left LA for a reason, and I can’t believe I have to go back. And that makes me wonder what this HAVE TO really means? I mean, yea, I’m fucking broke. And it’s only gonna get worse- and the only place in the world for me to live rent free and make lots o’ cash in a short amount of time, is LA. And I’ve created this- I mean, I spent all my money. I partied and gallivanted in Rome for year, at some point- you gotta go back to work Chase. That’s just a fucking fact.
And maybe that’s a part of it. Is that I have really allowed myself to be on a sabbatical from my life here in Rome… and maybe simply I don’t want to go back to the “real world”. But it feels like more than just that.
There are a lot of pressures for me in LA. There are a lot of roles I play there. Sister, daughter, boss, employee, best friend, second best friend, oldest friend, college buddy, high school friend, ex- girlfriend, industry wanna be, aspiring artist, apartment owner, fellow drinker, Laker fan, Clipper Fan Christmas gift giver, hell, cell phone answerer, Starbucks drinker, Whole Foods lover…ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
I led a very social life in LA, and truthfully, I hate it. At least I’ve came to. Once I had a blast there, but now, I’m done. And you can’t go back.
It’s exhausting for me there. And I don’t want to have to be THAT PERSON. And yea, I can sit here and say I don’t have to, and I’m not going to an blah blah fuck you blah. But- us humans, we don’t change. We have our roles and that’s where we live and how we play.
Who am I kidding to say that when I get to LA my cell phone won’t start ringing and just fucking never stop. And who am I to pretend I wont love every fucking caller. Because I have history with them- with you. But it’s overwhelming there for me.
And I’m not trying to whine. I’m really not. It’s just. LA is like the belly of the beast for me. Go back and work for the man. Go to hell and create advertising for the most gluttonous society in the world. I spent almost a decade selling shit to America. Shit they don’t need, and they can’t afford. And I made a great life out of it. But I became a numb sad vacant version of myself.
And while I KNOW that person won’t come back- because I’ve changed, I know that. It just seems pretty hard-core to have to go there at all. And I think I’m afraid to get stuck there again. Like if I go back and am in LA, that doing that somehow de-values my time in Italy. Like my time here meant nothing.
Whatever. Most days I wake up happy as shit- convinced I’ve got this game beat- or at least I’m winning. And most days I’m right. But it’s time to get on the road again. Because nothing great lasts, ebb, flow blah blah blah. Keep em’ wanting more... that’s what they say right?
If I have learned anything from my time in Italy, it’s that courage is in the stillness. It took all I had to walk away and sit still, and shut the fuck up and listen.

And I won’t loose anything I’ve learned. Especially once I land in Colorado. I just know from experience: LA is the least still place in the world.