TARGET AUDIENCE (aka love letter to the 80’s)

Well, I got taken. Total snap drag take out by the man- suckered by advertising- targeted, zoomed into and fuckin sold. It’s the heartbeat of America, it’s our raison de etra… it is the great American machine. I knew it was happening, I felt it go down, and I did nothing to stop it. Because that’s how capitalism works. God bless it.

And some days I just love it.

Last week my cell phone broke- well, it wasn’t completely dead, in truth I probably could have gotten another several months out of it. But the fucking things sucked. It hung up every time I flipped it open… it was a piece of shit. Slow, old, total piece. (albeit at one time a very expensive piece of shit) but it was dying something vicious and it was not going to be long before it was completely caput, So I decided to head that fucker off at the pass and get a new one.

So I went to the Cingular store- figured I’d just buy the new razor in like, black or silver or whatever cuz it was closest to my old phone (you know, the piece of shit), and it was actually only $100 which seemed reasonable enough. (my last phone cost me almost $400… so $100 seemed like the deal of the century)… Plus, I knew a few people who had the razor, and they liked it enough.. so ok I figured I’d buy it. But then at the last minute I decided not to buy the phone that day- I don’t know why, the person I was with got antsy and I decided I didn’t care enough to stick around and buy the fucker.

Honestly I was thinking do I REALLY need it? The phone isn’t dead YET, and after a year in Italy, the idea of rushing out to buy a little shiny object simply because I could, seemed… well, unnecessary. Like do I REALLY NEED a new one. Not totally, not yet, not 100%.

I’ve been very aware of that recently- all the marketing and advertising that has been pushed my way. I don’t think I ever really noticed it before- having grown up with it- but to have a brief respite from it- I realized how much of a relief it is to NOT have all that advertising shoved down your throat… and what a difference it really makes. Can you imagine?- I didn’t WANT anything. Not for an entire year- new camera? no, this one works. New blackberry? Please. New I pod, why? New digital whatever, new nothing… no. No new phone- NOTHING NEW. No clothes, NO NOTHING NEW- in a year I bought myself a ring (which actually my mom bought for me) and a pair of earrings. And that’s it. Seriously, food, beer and 3 pieces of jewelry. I didn’t even do Christmas. No shopping, no consumerism. I actually felt really good about NOT having all the trimmings. Such a relief.

Because before I left I was- fuckin, knee deep. Two phone lines, cell phone, fax, TV, cable, tivo, fancy car, all the insurances, video camera, computer, digital camera, extra batteries, extra cables, a charger in the car, in the bed room, in the office and one in the kit… I mean shit, you name it I had it… serious… all the STUFF.

And when I got rid of it all: pheeeew what a relief. I can’t tell you. And so much extra space in my life.

So then I go and lolly about in Italy for a year- no advertising, no marketing, no desire.

I’ve only been home two months. What can I say? My defenses are down. My stamina is low… my immunity to “the sell” is weak.

After I didn’t buy the phone that day (which I was secretly proud of) I was watching TV when a cingular commercial came on- for the razor phone- IN PINK. Which is pretty fucking awesome. But THEN they had the psychedelic fur’s “Pretty in pink” as the god damned soundtrack…

DUDE.

How can I fight that? Seriously… dude- I have no resistance to pretty in pink- I go right back to my love for Johnny Hughes, my endless infatuation with the 80’s… I think of Molly and Judd, Little Anthony Mikey Hall, Emilio, Abe Froman even James Spader… fuck me…I’m 16 in my trans am, a black one- not the guy the car- a black car, a pink guy, I’m twisting into a sea of 80 music and leg warmers, Ferris is there and life is moving pretty fast but I’m stopping to look around so as not to miss it, adults are the enemy and when you grow up your heart dies, I’m in a rolls, I’ve heard the fender on this is 5 grand- do have 5 grand? I don’t have 5 grand, but THIS is getting good- oh man, put the diamond earring in my year, cross the football field because no one was buying this together woman of the 80’s thing anyway…. And let’s plow because I’m the duckman and I live to like you and Jakes my boy, and the girl in the hat is so vogue and for a moment I’m farmer Ted, I’m not really a farmer though, and long duck dong is there and it’s sofa city sweetheart, and I can remember lots of things… because life is not what not and secondly it’s none of your business… and I got Caroline in the bedroom right now passed out cold I could violate her 10 different ways if I wanted to.. but it’s time to whip it and I’m having a total eclipse of the heart. In the 80’s it was really human for you to listen to all of my shit, even if we did have bra’s on our heads, on the highway to the danger zone, and screws fall out all the time in the 80’s, because the world is an imperfect place, but I’m a fucking genius because I can’t make a lamp, but moe-lay really pumps my nads and the question isn’t what are we gonna do today, it’s what aren’t we going to do, but it’s all voodoo economics, and it’s no problem what so ever because my best friends sister’s boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

And it WAS pretty serious.

Seriously.

And this is the thing about advertising.

They flash that pink phone and play that song, and me, their IDEAL target audience sees it. And that last paragraph storms thru my mind in an instant. And they win.

Game over. I loose they win. I HAVE TO HAVE THE LITTLE PINK PHONE. I have to.

And so I do. I go down to the store and buy it, and because its pink (and pretty) it’s $150. But I pay, I pay for Ferris and Molly and all of it.

And then I have it and every time it rings (and it rings a lot…) I have a little bit of that with me.

And that’s a lot. Plus every time someone sees it they say “ohhhhh you got the pink one, awesome….”

AND I LOVE IT. LOVE IT. I’m using the word love. I love my phone. IT’S AWESOME.

Sick. Demented. Delicious.

Caroline laughs and it’s raining all day and she loves to one of the girls…She’s pretty in pink. Isn’t she?