OVERLOAD

I think what I will miss most about living in America is the fun of multi tasking at once. And by that I mean this.

It’s Sunday night and I am sitting at home alone watching TV, reading Vanity Fair, downloading music, smoking cigarettes and writing emails ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I’m not sure Italy goes this fast. I don’t think it’s prepared for this kind of speed.

That’s ok though. Sometimes it’s cool to slow down.

SEXPERT

I’m not really the kind of person that works for free. I don’t volunteer or offer my time. I’m more of a “can I write you a check?” kinda gal. I like to donate- just not usually my time.

SO when I volunteered to work the merchandise table at a Martin Sexton (martinsexton.com) concert the other night I was pretty surprised with myself.

And even more surprising was that I had a fucking blast.

For one thing- I’m a huge Marty fan- I’ve seen about 10 of his shows and it’s always a pretty amazing experience. Marty is a singer songwriter type who has the MOST AMAZING voice- and a range that boarders on insane. Every time I have ever been to one of his shows I have always been nestled deep in the crowd quietly singing along and letting him rock my world.

Not this time. This time I was that girl behind the table during the entire show with a view of the stage a beer in my hand talking to people, selling shirts, cds, stickers and answering questions. I was sort of shocked how much I knew about his career and all his music… I had no idea I was such a Martin Sexton head.

But as the night wore on and people asked more and more specific questions about the tour, about what album is that song on- which bootleg is the best… I totally had all the answers, and when I didn’t I just sort of made it up- and because I was behind the merch table- and people believed me… It was hilarious.

Anyway at some point his manager came up and said- get out in the crowd- take a break. So I walked out during halleluiah and it was so bizarre… because once I was in the crowd I thought to myself “oh yea, I’ve done this before- I love this show…” it was really odd to be there- but having such a different experience.

It was as if, I was at his show, but not. But some how more. It was a great night.

Any way, I don't know that I will start voluteering for the fire department senior dance anytime soon. But it was pretty cool to do something nice for marty.

CATCHING UP

I didn’t really watch TV when I was in Europe. I mean, maybe from time to time in I saw some terrible variety show in Italian, or some shit in a hotel room or in a bar.

But today, in my hung over state I watched TV and movies, and ate Mexican and sat on my couch ALL DAY.

It was delicious. Today is my only day off this week- and I was hung over from Mimi’s Birthday party last night- and I just kinda needed to veg out.

Oh and I did. It was spectacular. I caught up on weeks and weeks of tivo. Saw season finales, season premieres… old sex in the city. I basically fit a month of TV into one day.

But now it’s 11:30pm and I’m going to bed. Because I have to go to work tomorrow. And I am suddenly back at work in the middle of a huge hard job- making money so I can leave.

Oh yes- and pretty big news- it’s official Alejandro is coming to the LA for his first ever American visit. He will be here for 10 days in November, for my birthday and thanksgiving.

It’s pretty fucking sweet.

It’s kinda like watching TV all day.

Only better.

OH YEA

I remember this life.

I remember getting up at 6 am for work, and having dinner with Mimi and Santiago, and dinner at my parent’s house, and sitting at my computer fucking around at work. I remember paying bills and balancing my checkbook. It wasn't THAT long ago that I cleaned the fucking shit out of my apartment (with my cleaning lady's help of course)- and went to Whole Foods and stocked up.... I remember what a burrito tastes like.

It seems so simple and easy to put the top down and drive around in this gorgeous weather and go thru the motions of my life here. I've been doing it for 8 years- of course I can. I remember why I've stayed here for so long- that house, my friends this weather... good god- it's easy here. And nice.

But sort of numbing too. It's strange to be back- here in my vacuous numb existence that is my life in LA. It's safe and warm and totally familiar. And I am instantaneously back.

Except this time- I have a trick up my sleeve and a love in my heart. And that makes me different. And strong. And defiantly NOT numb.

My time here is temporary- and that makes everything great. I have a lot to do, and I am working- and my mother and father are making it so easy for me to make this move- Letting me do whatever I need with my apartment-and totally being supportive. I didn’t realize how important that was to me- it’s making the transition easy...

And you know all signs point to this decision being right and good and healthy and ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.

And Alejandro has decided to come out for my birthday and thanksgiving. Which is totally awesome- because it relieves some of the pressure to GET OUT OF HERE... now I feel like I can take my time and do it right- and well- I get to see ali.

So....

So I am at work (working hard as you can see)... and I don't know. I had Italian for lunch.

3p today. I was at my desk working, kinda different than the past 7 weeks- but what are you gonna do- things change.

PACK WITH CARE

And so, after almost 7 weeks I travel back to Los Angeles this morning. I have been to 2 continents, 4 countries… and used exactly 56 different toilets.

I have packed and repacked the same 2 suitcases so many times over the past seven weeks- finding different arrangements for the same things.. each time I took such care thinking- what do I need on the next leg- how do I pack most effeciantly.. how can I do this so when I get there I don’t even have to open this bag… all this thought as to how to make it easier.

But this morning-

Fuck it. I just rammed shit everywhere- it was so satisfying. I didn’t fold, I didn’t plan- I just crammed it in- dirty socks and clean underware in the same section- (the horror!!) My carry on is the most mish moshed group of unessasry shit. But who fucking cares… soon I’ll be at home and I can turn the suitcases upside down on my living room floor and spill it all out if I want to.

Terrificly I am going to be in MY OWN SPACE tonight. And it always feels good to go home. Especially this home. I love my apartment so much. It’s really the greatest place I’ve ever lived…it’s the reason I haven’t moved for the past few years- this house- this home where my cats are so comftorable- and so am I….. I can’t believe I am giving it up. It makes me a little sad- the thought of leaving a house that I have put so much work into. It’s perfect really- I never need to leave this apartment.

Except that I do. Because it’s in the wrong city. And sometimes you have to go after something different than the comforts of home.

So today I don’t think about leaving- only returning. Because from time to time, all of us need to go home.

UP AND DOWN

At first I was so happy to be back- telling stories, sharing pictures... talking about Alejandro.

But then I had my first Friday night/ sat morning alone. And all the sad, depressed loneliness that has been so prevalent in my life in the past few years in America came back to me in a flash.

You see, when you want your life to change, you want it to change RIGHT AWAY. And I am in NYC for a few more days and I really can’t do anything here to get my life packed up and move onto Rome until I get back to LA. So last night and this morning I felt this overwhelming feeling of limbo, and boredom and missing Rome and Alejandro so much I thought I might break. Tears and anger. Why am I here? What was the point of coming to NYC, I just want to go home, sell my car, pack my house and get the fuck out of here. God I'm so sick of the states.

So I got up and thought “I have to get out of the house”. I took a shower, got dressed, put make up on and blow dried my hair- I was ready for a day in NYC. But then I had no one to meet, and didn't feel like going out to that dirty stinky city. So instead I sat down and cried my make up off.

What a girl.

Right in the middle of it Alejandro called. It's like he must have known. It made me feel so much better to know that he is sitting in Italy feeling the same way waiting for me to get back to him.

But what the real savior if the day was, was going to lunch with Megan. She's so rad and she just listened to me vent, and vented right back. At after a few hours I feel so much better. I feel restored, ready to take it all on again.

Sometimes, no matter how tough it gets, all you need is love to call in and an old friend to listen to.

I'm a lucky girl. Even if I it forget sometimes.

THE LADIES THE LADIES

It is such an amazing thing to have good women in your life. Especially when you've just fallen in love and all you want to do is gush about your boyfriend and look at pictures and watch video tape... and have them tell you how cute he is, and how sweet he seems and oh my god he's such a babe, and your so lucky and "tell me more tell me more"

I felt like I was in grease. You know, summer lovin, had me a blast.

I think I needed to tell them all about it to somehow validate it- make it real. Before then it was still all mine- just in my head- now it's out there- shared. Real.

And they were so good- oohing and ahhing at all the right times- listening to my every story so intently- the way only a group of your closest girls can.

Last night we were exactly the kind of scene all men wonder about when they ask "what do you girls talk about when you get together on ladies night?" Last night we were they...in FULL force.

It was exactly what I needed.

I have spoken a few times to my man- and it's tough. Long distance is a bitch and it's been years since I've done this. It's also been years since I cared enought to try... Talking on the phone sucks- and when calling italy it's also- EXPENSIVE. but fuck it right?

I do have to say that I LOVE text messages. I can totally send him notes all day and it's cheap.

This is gonna suck I can already tell. But I'mma do it.

Cuz love is worth it.

(oh my god someone shoot me I sound like I'm in some terrible romantic comedy with jessica alba or mandy moore or something...gag).

Anyway- I love my ladies and I want to say thank you to them for letting me fall into them.... love my girls. LOV-ING-AHH.

PICTURES

it you want to view some pics... this is where you can find them

http://www.flickr.com/photos/16677352@N00/

BACK IN THE BIG APPLE

So all good things must have a bookend...or at least this good thing does.

I am alive and well in NYC, I made it here fine. Took some uber drugs (thank you Vicki) and slept thru the entire flight.

Arrived into the arms of Miss Emily Henry and am about to go to sleep after being awake for what seems to be 25 hours. It is 6 am my time and I am exausted.

Will write more when I'm not so fucking tired.

Good god.

Right now I just miss Rome and I really miss Alejandro.

AHHHHHH.

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME

So as it turns out it’s true.

While I was driving around in some of the neighboring villages of Rome I got a little lost- and I found myself on some strange road going in a direction which I was sure was AWAY from Rome… and lo and behold- the road took a turn and there it was – the sign.

Rome. This way.

So I took it. Cuz rome was the way I was going.

Tomorrow morning I will take the road away from Rome- but not for long. I will come back. A little later today I will go to the trevi fountain where I will toss an American quarter over my right shoulder to insure my return

It seems that all my life my roads have lead me to Rome.

Thank god. Today I feel really really happy. I was sad yesterday- but today I feel great. I am so grateful to have had this experience and to have been able to so totally open myself up and receive it. I would say this is the best time of my life…but that just feels so cliché. And quite frankly- I think I can do better. I feel for the first time in a long long while that the best is still yet to come.

I want to thank you all for reading my stories- and I will see you in the states.

Con Amor

Chase.

THE SADNESS SETS IN

Started crying this morning. Shit. Have no idea if I’ll ever be able to stop. All I want in the world is to come back here. I figure it’s at least 3 months… wait for the holidays- and then 2005 brings me back.

I have a huge list of things to do today- go back to the coliseum, buy that bag, get food and wine and coffee to bring home….. buy the apartment and vespa magazines, get a picture by the pyramid… and try not to cry.

Thank god so many of my girls will be in NYC to greet me with open arms. I am going to seriously need some support when I get home. Thank god for them.

So I am trying to keep my shit together so I can still be HERE for my last 2 days.

Anyway.

On a different note- I have been eating out so much lately and I haven’t really reported about it in a while- but the food is so amazing. Lamb chops, pasta with carbonara, and homemade ravioli, meet filled tortellini, tiramisu, gelato, oh my god the FUCKING WINE, and espressos, and crème caramel, and steak, and DID I SAY RED WINE, grappa is evil…, and mozzarella and fucking hell the pizza… oh god spinach, veal (yes veal, Mimi and santi can be proud)…it’s all just so good.

I had the pleasure of being pre menstrual last week and as a result went thru one of those- “I could eat and never stop” days. And so I just let myself. I had 5 meals that day. It was SO AWESOME. I didn’t really eat for about a day and a half after- but that one day I had panini, pizza, pasta, steak in red wine sauce, more pasta and then another slice of pizza. Rome is definitely the best place in the world to binge eat. Bulimics unite- I have found your Mecca.

Anyway. I am off. My last blog from Rome will be tomorrow.

See you all soon. Don’t panic if I’m different. Don’t panic if I’m not.

That’s actually a note to myself. Don’t panic. It’s just America. Don’t panic Chase. Don’t panic.

UNTITLED

Wow- went on a long drive yesterday to Tivoli and to all the neighboring villages- it was so breathtakingly beautiful. Found abandoned castles and little hillside villages- and long winding single lane country roads. Hopped a fence and stole grapes from a vineyards. Stared at a waterfall for hours…it was a great great day.

It’s total paradise here.

I can’t wait to come back and find a little apartment of my own- I actually found a village I wouldn’t mind living in a writing my memoirs in… I wish.

Does anyone have any contacts in Publishing? Seriously- I HAVE to come to Italy to write. I just need someone to pay me for it.

All is well- We went to THE MOST INCREDIBLE dinner for Alejandro’s birthday. His sister used to work there- it was on the top of a hill with this majestic view and it’s one of those places where you don’t order they just bring you food- holy shit it was out of control. Then we went driving thru the center at night- which is really amazing. The tiny roman alleys in the center are always so busy during the day but to have them all to yourself in the middle of the night is just the best.

I willed my cold away. I feel fine. I’m sure I’ll collapse when I get home. But until then….

I’m off time to have some coffee. (oh yes- for those of you that remember me as a decaf only girl…yea, that’s way fucking over- the Italians have shown me the perfected art of coffee. God bless them.)

Missing you all

c