WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE ANYWAY?

How did this happen anyway? Good fucking lord. I mean seriously. Rome, I live in Rome? I think I woke up and realized that I live in Rome this morning. Not 3 months ago I was snug as a bug all cute and cozy in my place in Santa Monica and now I’m sitting here- in Rome.

It’s so fucking absurd. I love it. Be careful what you wish for. HA!

I am, admittedly finding myself surprisingly homesick- way more than I thought I would be. And I miss the strangest things- dryer sheets... god what I wouldn't give to have my laundry fresh and fluffy like at home... stupid. I miss the woman who waxes my legs and gives me cheap perfect pedicures.... I miss my family a lot and of course my friends. And, I'm ashamed to admit it but I miss American TV. Like, a lot. It's crazy. I come home and all I want to do is turn on the tube and space out. I don't even have a TV... so I watch a DVD on my computer. Which is great that I have a bunch here.... but then the movie is over and I just want to surf...mindlessly be entertained. Got so used to that. It's pretty wild.

Here's a perfect example. This Sunday are the Oscars. I probably will not get to see them. Now my brain says who cares- it's all crap anyway- Hollywood bullshit...blah blah. Right? But damn the other part of me is like NO!!!!!! I can't miss the Oscars... I've NEVER missed the SHOW!!!! What am I gonna do????? I love the show, the outfits, the speeches.... ahhh. It makes me feel so out of touch. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I am just still holding on tight.

I have been writing a lot. On all sorts of stuff. Using my spare time to write it all down. You know?

Things with the boy are good. We have taken a big step back from the intensity of last summer and are just sort of, getting to know each other. And you know- it's good, he's great. I like him. I don't know how well we fit sometimes- we really are so different. And I mean beyond the cultural stuff- we're just different. He's not very smart or well read or cultured, or even ambitious. He's very Italian that way. (Even though he's from Argentina) I don't know. Sometimes we are walking around and he will ask me questions like... where is the arch of Constantine? I'm like- ARE YOU KIDDING? That’s like asking where the Chrysler building in NYC is? And I'm like, "uhhh, it's the MASSIVE ARCH DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE COLOSSEUM?" I don't mean to be a snob but at times I'm like... dude- tune in... there is a whole world out there. You live in the fucking birthplace of western civilization.... this is the famed "old world" and your walking around like your in a fucking bubble.....

I don't know. It's just frustrating. I mean I'm not stupid... but honestly- I can't seriously be the smart one in a relationship. (I'm the one who needs to learn stuff...) Seriously.

I don't know. But we have fun, and I like him and he's a cutie.. and we are enjoying ourselves. So it's cool. I am just hanging out, living here- trying not to make bold decisions or drastic moves. I'm just kinda chilin,... you know? Feeling my way around. Trying to figure it out. Trying not to project too much of ME, MINE, WHAT I WANT onto the situation, and trying to let Alejandro bring his assets to the table- trying to accept all this for WHAT IT IS.

It's weird though- my whole life since I was 11 or so- I knew I wanted to live in Hollywood and make movies. And everything I did, summer classes, high-school, college, summer jobs... everything- was about getting closer to that goal.

And then there I was, doing it.

And I left.

It's so strange. It's so odd, that I am here now. Doing this- and it's awesome. I want to be here. I am so glad I'm doing this, its just like, WHAT? What the hell am I doing? This wasn't in the plans....

So now- here I am, at 29. And for the first time in 20 years- I don't know what I'm doing. The future is unclear. And that is at once both liberating and terrifying. It's just crazy. How is it possible that I am unsure? I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. Well Chase, welcome to the brave new world. Everything is different. You wanted it- you got it.


It makes me smile and laugh like an insane person sometimes. I'm like. This is crazy! ( I feel like Chevy Chase in National Lampoons Vacation- the 1st one- right before he jumps in the pool naked with that model... "this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy" And then he jumps in.)

That’s me.

But at least I jumped right?