I FEEL LIKE I LIVE HERE

I feel so at home in this place- it’s totally wild.

I wake up and I have a schedule- and I have errands and fun shit to do- and I feel like I seamlessly fit in- like I have dissolved right into the fabric of this city. I’ve never had this before. It’s just- it’s – well, I‘m home.

So.

I have decided to move here. After the holidays- jan- feb ish. And what makes that so remarkable is that I am more scared NOT TO MOVE. It would be scarier to stay.

I can’t go back to my old life. (it’s so under the tuscan sun I want to gag…) Instead I am just totally ready. It’s nuts because it seems so obvious to me. I would be weirder if I DIDN’T move here. I just belong. And that is a very strange thing.

And so now my life is filled with a new kind of excitement. But my mind is racing.

I’ve been tossing and turning thinking about things like health insurance and taxes and absentee voting- and visas and I don’t know- my cats.

I want to be here- I like this life- I want to get paid to write and live in Rome. I want to learn to speak Italian and I want to be an ex pat. I want to be away from all the things that I hate in America- I want to learn to appreciate America again.

I want to live in Rome. And take weekend trips to sienna and Tuscany and I don’t know- everywhere. I want to do it.

I can- I mean- I think I can.

What the fuck? For so long I have come up with excuses- not to act, no to direct, not to do any of the things I want to do- no more.

I want to change my life.

And I’m the only one that can do that.

But right now it’ keeping me up- making me nervous- makes me want to smoke and pace and jump up and down and totally freak out.

I’m also anxious because this is going to be a big week. Tomorrow I am moving out of my apartment- which makes me really nervous- I really love my apartment. And so then I have to return my Vespa and take a taxi to Ali’s apartment (he doesn’t live In the center of town like I do- he’s about a 10 minute vespa ride into the suburbs)…then on Tuesday we are going to London- which is so weird. I am nervous- because I don’t know where I’m staying and I haven’t got a clue what to do when I am there- and I don’t know…it’s weird. I’m sure we’ll have fun- I’m sure were going to have a blast- it’s just- I think I am also nervous to travel with someone else- I am fine on my own- but with another person.. its just, I don’t know. I hope I’m not too selfish to travel with someone else. That’s the one thing about being on your own- you can be as selfish as you want…. And I’ve been on my own for a long time.

SO.

Does any one want my house? I’ll deliver it furnished- it’s a great house. Does anyone want my car? Can’t BELIEVE I’m selling my car- that’s so nuts. I can’t wait to sell my car. I can’t wait to get rid of all my shit- I can’t wait to start over.

I am scared. But happy scared- not morbid depressed LA scared. God I hate LA- I mean I actually love LA- it’s just so blahhhhhhh. I never want to go back.

Actually- I’m excited to go home. I am excited for my closet of clothes- I hate everything I own here- so sick of it all- perhaps I should go clothes shopping… And I am excited to see my friends and my cats- and then I am excited to come back.

But right now it’s 2 am and I can’t sleep because my mind is racing.

Because I’ve decided to make this fantasy into a reality…. And that is totally fucking crazy.